Struggling

[K4te]

Hi, I'm new.

I got told at 18 that it was unlikely that I would ever have kids. My partner and I met nearly four years ago and due to medical science improving, we got referred for a specialist to see if this was still the case.

After a gruelling twelve months we have been told that there is a slim chance we could get pregnant but due to my medical problems any pregnancy would risk a one in four chance of having a baby with serious and life limiting disabilities.

Having experienced medical issues throughout my whole life, I can't face having a child and the possibility of having to be confronted every day with the fact that my own medical conditions caused the issues my child would face.

As such my partner and I have decided against our own children and are currently looking into the possibility of adoption.

A lot of my school friends have all recently announced. One has polycystic ovaries, another's partner had problems with a low sperm count, and a third happily announced 'I can't believe how effective the pill is; I got pregnant straight away'. Although I'm bitter about the last friends insensititivity, I am geniinly made up for all three.

However I am struggling to also contain my feelings as I know I will never have that. I am crying a lot and it just all feels so unfair that because of sheer bad luck with my own health, I have been forced to make the decision to not have my own children as I couldn't cope with the guilt.

I feel like a really horrible person.

[pm27]

You're not a horrible person. Your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation in which you have found yourself in. The mix of joy for others and sadness/jealousy/grief for yourself is so hard. Infertility is unfair.

Have you considered counselling? I had some approx 6 months after we ceased treatment. It helped me understand the grief cycle and that my feelings were "normal". Over a year on from ceasing treatment things are much improved, things still upset me but generally I'm OK but even on days when I'm not I know things will be OK again.

Are your friends aware of the health issues that have meant you can't take the risk of having your own (biological) children. Perhaps share with a friend you know will be supportive?

[K4te in reply to pm27]

Thanks. I've had several bouts of counselling. They help in the short term for me.

All of my friends are aware and it was very clear that my best friend was worried about my reaction. I reassured her that I am happy for her but she understands that the other feelings I have are not directed at her.

My partner is very supportive but states that he doesn't 'get' why I feel like this when its my choice not to risk having children. I don't think he means to be so insensitive but I think that's just man brain not engaging.

[pm27 in reply to K4te]

I'm glad your friend understands the mix of emotions and that you're happy for her. I had a similar situation less than 2 weeks after our 1st BFN with a very close friend ringing to say she was 12 weeks, fortunately we were able to talk about our feelings openly. I know how much she wanted a child and she wanted the treatment to work for us. She was one of our best supporters during and after treatment.

Have you considered donor eggs? It might be an option if the doctors consider you are able to carry a baby. Sadly donor eggs didn't work for us.

Yes you made a "choice" to not have children but it's a horrid choice no-one should have to make. I think when you think it's "your fault" (which of course it isn't) you can take it harder than the other person. We took it in turns, range of factors my age, his swimmers!

I'm aware that I may need further counselling in the future as new challenges come up. I might try a specialist in in/fertility issues next time as the person I saw last time was a general counsellor.

[K4te in reply to pm27]

We hang really 'taken turns' but I love that turn of phrase! 🙂

I've been told I might struggle to carry to full term and if I did it's a 1 in 4 chance. He had superman swimmers.

My best friend really is being great about everything and had invited me to some of her scans as she said I was 'welcome if I wanted as she would like to share it' thought was super nice as she knows I'm unlikely to experience it first hand so offered a chance to get the experience second hand.

I think a specialist fertility counsellor sounds great. Would love any recommendations.

[Hidden]

Hi,

just reading your posts and wanted to say your are such a courageous woman. It takes real strength and courage to come to your hard decision.

I am reading Jody days book and in the back it gives some great resources:

bica.net for infertility counselling.

Also my GP referred me to local resources which maybe worth seeing what's available to you and accessing through your GP.

Other good websites;

lifewithoutbaby.com

themotherwithin.com

www resolve.org

I have found reading books on the subject really helpful. Jody days book is worth getting ....it's really insightful.

I think it affects women more because it affects our bodies so much. It has taken my husband alot longer to process our diagnosis. And he deals with grief in a completely different way to me, which is fine. But make sure you have the support you need in this. Xxxxx