Giving up

Finished ivf in July last year suppressed my feelings for last 6 mths put on a brave face had a bit of a breakdown this mth marriage was failing my sausage dog got ill dealing with my nans death just all came out went to counselling at my ivf centre bought bk horrible memories. Anyone else learning to deal with suppressing feelings of loss and going to counselling? Will it get better? Feel exhausted 😟

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  • I'm sorry you are going through so much at the moment :( I don't know if your counsellor mentioned to you, but mine at the NHS IVF centre warned that counselling can make you feel bad for a little while after your session because you are targeting those tough feelings so take comfort in the fact that this is normal and happens to many people, so you aren't alone.

    I have started to accept that somedays will be 'bad' days of loss and sadness, and some will be good, and been very honest and open about it with my husband and close friends (maybe not telling everyone the details, but just saying 'I am having a sad day today'). You grieve however you grieve, so long as you are getting up, getting to work, doing your best to stay healthy and social, there is no right or wrong way.

    Sending good thoughts!

  • Hi

    Just wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone. I think i have experienced something similar and we stopped treatment last August, mainly tried to sweep thing under the carpet and now we're also facing a marriage breakdown. It just isn't possible to keep a lid on emotions of this magnitude. IVF is physically and emotionally draining and it takes a long time to recover but i do believe we will and i do believe we will feel better but only if we grieve and take time to grieve, it won't just happen over time. Counselling will help but it's not a quick fix and like you say it's going to release lots of emotions and it'll be on your mind. Can you have counselling somewhere else? Our council has a wellbeing service and I self referred to that. We're having a Relate couple's counselling session next week to see if that will help us deal with our emotions better and with each other. Have you read Jody Day's book? If not i highly recommend, along with her workshops and the Gateway Women community forums. Hang in there, lots of love and big hugs xxx

  • Hi Lesley thank you for your reply I will definitely have a look into your suggestions we r working through our problems it's just so tuff when u don't have friends who r going through same thing to talk to. X

  • I know, it really really is and it feels overwhelming and so isolating a lot/most of the time when all your friends are going in the direction you wanted to. It's heart breaking. I've started to let a few friendships drift off to give myself the time to make new ones with other childless women, that's been a big shift for me. There are meetup groups for Gateway Women all over the country so you can meet people not just online if you wanted to. I joined an organisation called Dovecote this week too, they have a Facebook group and they're very supportive and also have meet ups, workshops etc. Just do whatever and how much feels right for you when you're ready to move forwards. I'm doing 2 steps forward 10 steps back at the moment but I'm dealing with things and trying to take control. Letting emotions out is really important, as well as looking after yourself. I self medicated with wine last year but I learnt that was only going to destroy me even more. Definitely don't do that :) Keep in touch. xx

  • After we ceased treatment I initially felt relief and then felt sad for quite a long time. I accessed counselling about 6 months later. It helped me to understand the grief cycle and that my reaction was "normal". The counsellor explained that with most losses there is some kind of ceremony or acknowledgement but with childlessness there isn't. The counselling also helped with dealing with the losses due to miscarriage and the losses of what mind have been.

    Things have got better a year on from deciding to cease treatment. Things can still get to me but it's not as hard as it was. I have read some of Jody Day''s book and that was also helpful.

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