No purpose

Gave up work 2 weeks ago for the first time in my life. My anxieties were becoming too big, the job very stressful, I made the tough decision to give it up,

I have my first one to one CBT session this week, on Wednesday and I'm hoping it is going to help.

I'm not sure we're I will go from here, no motivation to work, although need to eventually, thinking about some kind of voluntary work.

Hours should go slow spending all your time in your bedroom, surprisingly time flies, and nothing gets done. Well I will have an hour or two were I will do something just to keep things ticking over, wash my hair,tidy up, complete a form. Then retreat back to the bedroom. I feel a great comfort here. I also realise something is not right, I sleep so much.

It's only since giving up work, and reading and talking to people I realise (for the first time ) I have a sickness, and that is not something I am finding easy, it's going to be very difficult for me as I am the funny one in the crowd, the life and soul of the party, the one you thought you could depend upon. The times throughout my life when I didn't feel good before no one saw me I hid away until it went away, work was so busy no one noticed ...

Sometimes I really don't want to talk to or see friends or family and over the years gradually this has got worse , feel like I'm closing down, still very aware....

My patience is minimal I'm surprised I'm writing this blog today....

I'm going through stuff in my mind trying to work out what happened and realising I had not such a good childhood, but I seemed stronger because of that all those years, why now??

I guess it all catches up with you. I always thought when I was anxious in the passed or low, it was just the things I was going through at that time, not realising that it's me and I will always be prone to it,

The worst part about it, is you need to fight, fight the thing itself, fight the authorities who make you wait for help, long lists for everything, fight people judging you, because you look so well to them ,you can't be ill. And quite honestly I've been feisty all my life achieved so many wonderful things, but now I have no fight.......

9 Replies

  • It never ceases to amazes me the similarities I find between myself and people who post here. It's what makes this such a good site; people speak intelligently about their experiences.

    I really admire you for giving up your job. That must have taken so much courage. I am sure it's the beginning of something new and exciting for you.

    I, too, struggle with the diagnosis of an illness. I feel as though I have no right to have an illness that no one can see. Like I'm a fraud and a drain on resources. I don't consider that depression deserves the same care as any other illness.

    Have you had any thoughs about the kind of voluntary work you would like to do? For me, working with children is the best tonic. Their little personalities make it almost impossible to feel sad!

    Take care x

  • Thanks Suzie,

    Your right the other perspective on this is the new beginning, on a good day I see that.

    Trying to think of suitable voluntary work, must look up what's available,

    Yes I think that's why we all have such a hard time, because others cannot see our illness, and usually don't see us at our worse because we shut ourselves away. I recall trying to confide in someone when I was feeling so low and knowing I was on the brink of something big, I had said that my job was proving too much for me and I was thinking of ways round it, the reaction was one of horror haha they said oh no NEVER give your job I can understand and see both sides of the story, but if I had used this persons principle I would not be here today to tell the story believe me. Then I believe what would have happened is people would have said, no job is worth your life/health/whatever. Life is kinda typecast and people with anxiety and depression invariably don't's's like the old "pull yourself together" thing ....

    I'm very private and so it's so difficult I really don't want anyone to know, I feel a fraud, came from a background were you should just get on with it.

    It's a fine line and so far I've stayed on the right side of the line....brought up two gorgeous daughters who are happy individuals and have fled the nest. Had a successful career achieved loads. I hope I can continue in a lesser way maybe to do good things, but gotta stay on the right side of that line, an I'm a bit tired.....

    I wish you well too


  • I'm very private and I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling. Lately I've been through quite a bad patch and when I tested the water with my boss, she was so unsympathetic it just sent me deeper into the depths of secretivity. Life would be so much easier if depression made you come out in huge green spots wouldn't it! X

  • Haha suzie that did make me laugh. Huge green spots !! It would though you are right.

    I totally understand what you say and it's such a shame because if people understood more it would help all round.

    I'm just off to paint huge green spots on myself and pop to th supermarket!!! Hahaha

    All good wishes to you x x x x x x

  • By the way I hope things improve for you soon xx

  • I understand how you are feeling. Been there myself. I have found when my life busy I have little time or inclination for sorting out problems. The trouble with that is things that need dealing with and aren't have a nasty habit of becoming bigger and harder to face. I think of them as poison boxes in the mind. Unless they are dealt with they keep leaking and sometimes they open completely like Pandora's box. I think this is whats happened to you.

    You have to deal with the emotional issues before you can move on with your life. I wish I knew how to but anti-depressants helped and so did therapy.

    An acquaintance told me recently that she has 'magic' boxes in her head where she stores all the great moments in her life. She said you can make these - they could be anything which has brought you pleasure. When you need to you can then open these to relive them.

    Hope this helps - its just another way of looking at your problems.

    Bev x

  • Thank you x

  • you are not alone. you will get through this. it's a tough old road but keep talking-dont bottle stuff up- i hope you feel better soon, x

  • Thank you x