"Do what you want to do". I would if I knew what that was!

[Haazbeen]

I've been doing a lot of thinking of late. Way too much thinking if I am being honest and dwelling on things that aren't at all healthy.

The first time I really went off the rails I was in my early thirties. I quit my job, my marriage and decided to travel the world to do what "I wanted to do". To get away to heal. In reality I just dragged all my baggage with me and was still as miserable as sin and lonely although better than I was.

20 years on, I have been thinking again I need to do something radical. To run away again. I just can't cope with life as it is and I either run away or choose a more permanent solution to achieve the peace of mind I crave.

So I was thinking, if I was to be radical and change what needs changing (as an alternative to suffering daily or the permanent solution) what would I do? What would change? Honestly, I don't know. I have no confidence in my decision making abilities now (I have made so many mistakes over the last decade) and worry I will simply go from frying pan to fire and inevitably hurt those I love along the way. That no matter what I try to change my baggage will follow me like an obedient puppy.

So like many of you I am sure, I feel that something needs to change. Has to change in fact. I can't face things not changing the pain is too great. But what do you do when you know that will hurt others. How can you do that?

I've come full circle again, as always. I can't hurt others even though they are not helping me and my situation is intolerable. I have to suck it up, carry on, and suffer. Why is life so complicated and painful. How is this progress?

I realise that what I seek isn't out there but is within. Knowing that doesn't help. It makes me feel even more lost!

Thanks for listening and apologies for complaining so much.

[Hidden]

You need to sort out your concerns and move on. The past has gone, sort it file it and move on be brave and help yourself

Talk to your GP and He may be able to arrange a course of CBT, they can explain coping techniques to help you move on away from what has effected you. Only you with some help can address your concerns and fears. Let your past go and move on to your future, never let your past pull you down to the pits

BOB

[Haazbeen in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bob.

The challenge I face at the moment is dealing with the now not the past. I actually know what I want to change (even if I can see the future clearly). The problem is that circumstance means I can't really make those. They involve things that are beyond my control (well other than if I literally run away and abandon everything). Coping with what I can't change is the real challenge and to date I am not coping well despite medication and weekly counselling for months.

[Hidden]

Hi good advice from Bob. If you don't know what you want in life a good start is to think what you don't want and go from there.

[Haazbeen in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Lilaclil. Sound advice from both you and Bob. Very grateful. I certainly agree that the best option is to tackle what is right in front of you and not worry too much about what comes next. As I said to Bob though I just can't do anything about the right hear right now and that is what is eating me up.

[Hidden]

Yes you can - you can start planning your future. I have depression and had first had some counselling in my mid 20's. I also made a decision. I decided I was either going to end my life or do everything in my power and try everything to change it and do more of what I wanted in my future. I was going to leave no stone unturned.

I chose the latter (obviously) but kept the former in reserve as a sort of comfort blanket. In other words I took my well being and future into my own hands and decided to captain my own ship in future. I knew I was on my own in life and that it was up to me.

In 2 short years I learned for the first time how to make friends (I taught myself), bought my first property, went abroad for the first time, got 2 kittens as I love cats, found a lifelong passion and hobby, learnt to drive, and finally went to Uni as had long been my dream. Some of these were hard and required sacrifice but I did it willingly. My life changed out of all recognition thank goodness.

Ok you might have done all these things and want others but you get my point. I still suffer from mild depression with a few bad flare ups but that's due to a couple of very deep things I can't solve.

You haven't got to do huge things but many small changes can add up to a lot. And I can't see small changes hurting anyone. Big ones might. But you can make small ones.

A counsellor explained it to me very well. You have a bank account and it is £100 overdrawn. Instead of insisting on getting all the £100 at once you concentrate on getting £10 here, the odd fiver there and before you know it you have £80 to put into the bank. Ok you are still short like I am but most of it is there. See what I am getting at?

To my regret I never managed to train for a fulfilling career but don't mind office work and have done this all my working life. It's a compromise - but then life always is isn't it? The bonus is that I was solvent and could put most of my energy into my private life instead.

Running away didn't help before and it won't again. You can't run away from yourself as you found out. Little changes and a few of them is the way to go.

I hope this helps a bit.

[Haazbeen]

Thanks Hidden for your wisdom and kind words (again!). Certainly makes sense. Accepting the things we can't change about ourselves but working hard to change the things we can one step at a time. I guess I am at that crossroads you talk about. I do want to fight but I have little hope or energy. However, perhaps focusing on just one thing for now will be that all important first step to find both

[Hidden in reply to Haazbeen]

You are more than welcome. Here for you anytime.