Coping with abortions

[loubear]

I had an abortion in march last year. When is the pain going to start going away?

[Hidden]

Oh, you sound in so much pain. I feel for you but don't know how to help you with those feelings. I guess you made the decision because it was the right one for you and/or for the baby and that was all you could do. We all have to make painful decisions sometimes. I wonder can you try writing to the baby, try telling it what you had to do and why. There will have been good reasons, no one takes that decision lightly. You will also need to grieve and writing to the baby that would have been born may help you to do that. There is no way to run away from the feelings, all you can do is to face them, stay with them and find a way to process them. Perhaps talking to someone may help but it may be the child in you and the child that was in you that you need to talk to, you need to love yourself and the child, to keep the child that was inside you with you still, you have the memory so he or she will never be gone entirely. suexxx

[loubear in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for the advice. It will be hard but I think I will try writing, maybe I haven't let go yet and I'm just guilt ridden. Xxxx

[missrat]

Rose has written so well.

Do you know whether your baby was a boy or a girl? Some people find that it helps to give the baby a name - perhaps a 'unisex' one if necessary. They will always be a part of you. I don't know if organised religion plays a part in your life, but if so you may be able to find a minister or priest who is willing to pray with you and bring at any rate partial closure. If not, can you plant something which will remind you of your child, but on which you can look with gratitude.

Some abortion services will also point you to counselling to deal with the guilt and other unexpected feelings which arise.

Thinking of you.

Ann xx

[Photogeek]

HI Loubear, I am sad that you are going through such pain, it must be v.hard. You are i am sure grieving for what could have been, decisions like this are always v. hard to make and accept and I agree that I am sure you did what you thought was the best thing at the time. Time heals eventually too, have you looked up Post Abortion Counselling Services, they I am sure would be very supportive, and help you to feel a bit better. Guilt is hard and a waste of energy, but we all feel guilty sometimes, and its torture. Please get help, you are not a bad person by doing what you did, but it has now created a problem which you must deal with, better to get it sorted out now. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. Hugs to you and look after yourself, and most important, FORGIVE yourself, I have tried to forgive myself many times, and it helps me a bit.

[Suzie40]

What a terrible thing to be experiencing. I feel for you and while I have no helpful advice, I hope you can seek comfort in the other people's kind words x

[kayeg]

Hi,I had one ten years ago. You don't forget about your baby and it took about 18months to start feeling better. I focused on getting my life where I wanted to be so if I did find myself in the position of having a baby I I would never have an abortion again.

I know I could not have had a baby at that time, I was in a new relationship not working,my partner already had 4 kids and lived in a rented house. I didn't name my baby.

I just daydream about it being happy and understanding the difficult position I was in and one day if there is an afterlife we will be together.

You won't ever forget about it and I still get to august and think to myself my child would be ten this year, I think letting yourself think about it helps- but don't dwell on it and you are not a bad person.

Keep a memento that reminds you,I have the letter about the procedure in my drawer so I have something to remember it by it sounds weird but if things had been different they would be here, they are gone but not forgotten and not forever . This is the first time I have spoken about it so I hope it makes sense and helps you.

[warren218]

I went through this with my then girlfriend about a year ago. She felt so low about it she left me. There's no way we could have had it, she had two kids by someone else that couldn't even afford to live with her, so she would have had to leave her job which she didn't want to do. We lived 150 miles apart, I would have had to be on some serious money in a new area to make it work. It would have been an impossible mountain to climb. There must have been some reason you did it. I've now been through this 3 times and babies are a pretty sore point for me

[munkey]

I had a termination 6 years ago because my partner left me to make that decision. I already had 2 children aged 4 and 18 months. I know it was the right decision at the time, but he came back and I have regretted it ever since. We are now in a situation where we can't afford to have another child and are having behavioural and emotional issues with our youngest, now 7. i have been depressed throughout this period and started drinking. I share your anguish, but you MUST focus on the reasons for your decision. What might seem OK now was obviously NOT OK then. My thoughts are with you , try not to hit the 'fuck it' button like I did - it is not only destructive to you, but all around you and your future.

Take care xx

[surf-fan]

Dear loubear

you say so much in the fews words you use , you are obviously going through a really difficult time . the one practical suggestion i can make is ti contact Lifecare Helpline , it is run by a charity that offers help and support to people during crisis pregnancy , post abortion no matter how long ago it was , and parenting problems .their tel no 0808 802 5433 9-3 weekdays or they have a text to talk line - text LIFECARE to 88020 at anytime and someone will reply to your text . i have had contact with this charity and would throughly recommend them .Obviously there are other organisations who could help as well , such as Smaritains or Sane . Take care of yourself x