Moving Forward

[mylife]

I have been diagnosed with severe depression today was the first time i have admitted to myself and my doctor i have, i have suffered for years but would put on a smile and carry on i didnt realise i was so bad and to be honest im a bit shocked i had periods of highs and lows which i would put down to pms the past few months, years i dont really know how long have been nothing but lows i have no quality of life never had a good relationship i have struggled im up to my in debt i just exist am crying writing this my doctor says i will get there i hope so,

[Hidden]

Hi

Sorry to hear you have been struggling on. Putting on a brave face is sometimes necessary but eventually things do catch up. It sounds as though your problems are in different areas of life, money, relationships, etc. so once meds start to kick in if you are prescribed them then counselling would probably prove helpful to assist you in thinking about how to deal with things and improve the future.

Good luck and keep writing when things feel bad,as well as when they feel better!

Suex

[mylife in reply to Hidden]

thank you i had made numerous appoinments before either didnt go or said it was something else, he has given me tablets as i cant remember the last time i slept all nite i wake at least 4 times and seem to have some sort of panic attack when trying to get to sleep and i up the dose daily i go back in 2 weeks he will then decide which antidepressive to put me on and he has mentioned councilling

[Hidden]

Sometimes you have to try 2 or 3 ad's until you find the best one for you. Then it can take 2/3 weeks before you feel better. But most people on tablets do feel a lot better after a while.Counselling is good. I had talking therapy and CBT which did help.

Let us know how you get on.

Bev x

[mylife]

i will do and thank you x

[mylife]

2nd nite taking the tablets slept a bit better but woke up feeling very tearful and thinking no one cares

[Hidden]

We care mylife. We all understand here. We will support you all the way.

Lots of hugs and kisses xxxxxxxxxxx

Bev

[mylife]

hardly any sleep and cant stop crying today

[Hidden in reply to mylife]

‘stands it not with [me] to let [my] madness range’. Emotional student, and scared to return to uni, but here I go… Here, anyone can write – right?

I wrote a Blog. And when I wrote it, I didn't really believe what I said about depression. I just thought that it was a phase. I half lied to myself and my reader(s) (!) – ’cos yeah, like, y’know, didn’t you know I have, like, SO many fans (!). I half lied to lots of people, including my mother.

I don't want / expect anyone to reply with an opinion. And I know it anyway, just by presumption. I'm only writing this to set my mind straight. So it’s for myself really. And that’s selfish. People won’t know how sorry I am for lying, especially people in my family, for fobbing them off with short quips like ‘yes I’m fine’, ‘I’m just a little bit anxious, but everything’s good’ – for fobbing them off with grandiose lies and altering truths. And so I kept it from my friends – everyone, really.

But obviously there is evidence to the contrary: there’s something wrong – small, but gnawing. (It may be nothing major, but I’m getting an opinion).

When you live in a house with a sister who has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, with someone who you have tried to look after your entire life – someone to whom you bequeathed your best axioms, to no avail – when you fight so hard for someone who doesn’t ever listen or change, you start to choke on said axioms, and you start to lose self worth: you’ve been ineffective for fifteen years and there’s no point; you’ve worked hard for someone and they’ve received Fails each time, so you blame who? The sufferer? The mother? Capitalism? Society? The estranged father? ... Yourself. When you begin to see that someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has probably more stability than the person with depression, because they have lived with it all their life – because they’re known for it, and cannot be judged by the standards of ‘normal’ behaviour, you get chronically emotional and feel like giving up: it’s your fault, you know this – she’s gained her ‘wisdom’ from you. When you realise that the mother you love so much, mediated for and supported in the best way possible – when you realise that she’s mentally quite powerless, really, and can’t do much else to prevent destruction and arguments, you sometimes wonder what the point is. And when you see all this from a self reflexive viewpoint – when you begin to think ‘there’s nothing visibly wrong with me; there’s nothing wrong, I’m fine’, you soldier on, you drink a lot, you cry a lot, you walk for a bit, you read enough, your head hurts, you close your eyes on the tube ride home, you blink the tears away, give a brief smile to the person staring at you, and the smile cracks every so often.

…

HYPOMANIA? I don’t know. I don't really think so. I doubt it. This is a rant.

*It's hard to say whether the mania actually exists. That fascinates me about myself. I’m going to say ‘no it doesn’t’ for now, because it seems highly implausible. I'm frugal all the time, so I doubt I have BPII, but there have been many occasions where I desire things that I don't even need. I wanted a new laptop, for instance, even though the one I am typing on works perfectly fine and is not even old. I wanted four pairs of Converse All Stars and Doc Martens, even though I already have a pair of All Stars, and – though I loved them – I’m not sure about DMs w the clothes that I own. I bought so many books in a chaotic, disorganised furore - and they weren't linked in any way to the modules I have been studying, the dissertation I will be writing, or the PhD that I have severe doubts about. I followed information and then I crashed and cried a lot. I've been weepy and low for about a week, agitated, solipsistic and frustrated when people talk to me. I wanted a Samsung Galaxy S III, when, ok, maybe I'm quite content in the early naughties. Yet I need a new phone because it won’t charge anymore. I was obsessed with necklaces and jewellery, when – though I don’t have much – I have what I want. I wanted a bike, when there's one sitting dormant in the shed - unused and shiny. When I wanted something, I always wanted more than one: I would be enthusiastic to speak about what I wanted, and then the phase would peter out. I've drank a lot, though this has been a festive season, and I have since stopped / cut down. There have been times when I interrupt people when they're talking, (I would say to my friend, for instance, 'sorry, I just interrupted you!'), and times when I am completely nervous - (in seminars, for instance, I am visibly nervous - even though, who knows, it’s plausible that one of my tutors would maybe vouch for my efforts and contribution in the module I preferred). There are times when I am highly creative, to the nth degree, and times when I look back and notice inconsistencies in my work. I know that I have suffered with undiagnosed depression, and it is overrated. This isn’t clinical or major, just incessantly gnawing. But the so called manic things are slightly new to me / seen in a different light - and I've been wondering how these sorts of traits could possibly be in anyway normal. The thing is: everyone has desires to own new things, and most of the time I am – as I said – highly controlled w money. So is this some sort of Marxist / Orwellian fusion in which I succumb to capitalist pressures every now and then? I don’t know. I suppose none of these desires have manifested in reality. I’ve never actually splurged. I dislike spending: I worry about it more so. Ask anyone who knows me. I’ve never gone out and purchased, for instance, anything costing beyond what I can afford. The manic / hypomanic traits that I have been researching just don’t seem viable, though the creative spurts are somewhat bizarre.

I suppose the only question I can ask is this one: when you buy books, for instance, do you buy the books that you need, the books that you want, or the books that you will make use of? Because there has been a time (maybe once or twice last year) when I purchased in bulk and on a whim, (though I'm not saying I won’t ever read them), and they will possibly remain untouched until next summer.

These sorts of traits manifested in different parts of the year, and all of them I have rationally suppressed because I have to: none of this seems to stop me from carrying out daily functions, and none of this is meant to sound like self-pity. I feel more selfish about writing this; I dislike encroaching on other people. It's being written with the intention of clearing my head.

I’m more than scared about returning to routine. There are people who know a lot about me, who have given me strange looks or feigned interest in what I have to say – and rightly so. You wouldn’t want to pay attention to someone so miserable, right? You wouldn’t want to talk to someone who feels inadequate and, yet, has strange hypomanic traits or delusory outlooks. You wouldn’t want to talk to a cliché: I’ve swapped places with these people in my head, and I know I wouldn’t. That sounds selfish, I know: grievances would probably be the outcome. But it’s just how I feel.

So I don’t think I can do it. And who knows how my work has gone… none of what I wrote was original, and none of it will achieve the calibre I would like.

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm wondering whether you have ever read about the psychodynamic theory of Obsessive Compulsive behaviour and of Manic Depression? They can be very different ways of coping with very similar emotional experiences. I think you might find it helpful to have a read because often when we can make sense of experiences then they are so much easier to manage.

Its great to have a rant so I do hope it helped you. Mylife's feeling awful too, so she's needing a hug from us both.

Suex

[mylife]

rung doctor today tablets not working actually tought if i had heartattack put an end to all my problems and the people who say they love me but havent been ant where near so really dont give a toss about them me or anyone apart from my grandson whos mother said she was bringing him but never did !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! feel likje screaming relly really bad dont know wat is gfoing on any more

[sunnyr2000]

Hi

Seems to me you are on the right path. Physiology followed by psychology i.e. Medication first and then psychosocial interventions. Don't rush it because the latter doesn't work if the former is not quite right! Also, beware that it's not all a miracle cure that works overnight. There's a long and at times arduous journey ahead of you. So take it easy for now. Once you have reached the summit only then you will get to enjoy the beauty of life. Family and friends are the best people to turn to if you need to talk and share your thoughts.

Take Care.