Somethings up and I can't talk to anyone about it as they have their own problems so I'm just going to have a good ramble online to make myself feel better. I don't know what is wrong but something is wrong. I can feel it, something is there, in my head, I know it. This isn't an ordinary teenage cry for attention this is a freaking SOS! I don't know if this is teenage hormones (and if it is then evolution better fix it cause this is just messed up) or is just like some practical joke, like life is really just like in the Matrix and everyone on the outside world is just messing with my wiring trying to make me crack cause I'm already cracking. Every second I'm thinking is this normal, is this right, is this what goes through other peoples mind and I swear to God if one person on Earth deserved to have the ability to read minds it should be me because the not-knowing is killing me. I'm not even feeling depressed right now and I'm freaking rambling online like a psycho, my hearts pounding and I'm sweating and now I'm just describing my physical state like a weirdo. I was feeling down a few days ago, the days surrounding xmas which was crap as my brother had come to visit from the US and I was acting like a complete B with a itch (and I don't even say that. I'm a swearaholic.) I'm going off point. I think about death, in different forms like sometimes I think of the aftermath like ambulance coming and the funeral or things like yesterday I was talking to my uncle and whilst talking he was shot in the head (in my head not in real life) and I don't hate my uncle (used to but thats just teenage drama) so it wasn't a vengeful thought it just happened. Like the time I saw my aunt get shot when she walked in the room and sometimes its me doing the actions (not those specific actions but actions) but not shooting but I don't want to get graphic. I was having these thoughts mostly a few weeks/months ago and then they kind off faded out but then it just came back yesterday with a bang (bad pun, horrible pun, crude pun sorry) I'm rambling. I don't ramble. I don't a rambler. At least not out loud, in my mind I do a lot, I think I ramble in my head more than actually think if that makes any sense at all. I have conversations in my head through all the time, like interviews and confrontations and arguments and speeches about morality. That's what goes through my mind for a majority of the time until I become exhausted like I've actually just been physically yelling at about a dozen people. I think I live in my head, it's my habitat, I'm in my head more than I am the outside world. I'm going off track but now I don't even know what I'm talking about. Brain fog! I get that twenty four seven, I get confused about what I doing, what I've just been saying, my memory has just plummeted over the last year, like I'm having a conversation with my friends and I'm about to say something and then I'll forget it and then remember it and then forget and this goes on and on until my friends are literally screaming at each other to shut up before i forget again, its like a bad comedy sketch. I've just forgotten what I was going to write so I'm going to write about something else. My mum brought me a diary to help with my 'memory issues' only its first date is January 1st so its not helping. Anyways I'm really going to use it as a way to analyse what's going on in my head as like I said something is wrong with me (that is fact not a little moment on uncertainty in my brain, this has been going on for months after I became aware of my mood drops). Anyways as it starts in two days and I have a lot on my mind, I haven't unwillingly but willingly chosen to ramble. Anyways back to why something is wrong with me, violent impulses, recurrent depressive episodes (1.feb-apr, 2.i think i short one in july, 3.sept, 4.oct, 5. more like a happy but angry state in late nov, 6. few days ago) and thats only this year! I basically live in daydreams and fantasies, crying for no reason, anger problems, I self harmed back in sept but it was after my depressed state so I had not real reason to do it I just had an urge over two days and one day was home alone and did it (I'd never done it before and haven't done it since because it didn't really do anything for me), I basically tormented my mum in my happy but angry state (more than a teenage tantrum but I don't really want to go into it but after I did something pretty bad I was preparing to check into a psych ward but couldn't because I couldn't tell my mum what was going on and I couldn't just disappear on her - although later that day I pretty much made an idiot out of myself by literally skipping around school like a loon and embarrassing my friends in front of school visitors who probably thought that I was high), recurrent feelings that I have no future and that should just die (I had that a lot during my xmas mood dip, I would go to bed thinking about I won't be able to handle anymore frustration over my mental state and being a young carer and school and a future that didn't seem reachable, I even thought about what would be in my suicide letter and how I would 'go') I can't control what comes out of my mouth and somethings do simply weird, stupid things like spinning (physically twirling like a wannabe ballerina) in a fish and chip shop because I was bored and making fish noises in a exam and I knew that I looked like an idiot and was drawing attention to myself but I didn't care (and I've never been that outgoing, confident person, i hate attention it makes me feel awkward so all that stuff is completely out of character or maybe not but i'll get to that in a minute), I felt lonely basically all of my childhood and often write songs or poems about how I 'live in the dark', throughout my entire childhood all the kids called me crazy because I got in physical fights with boys (not play fighting) on my regular and I had a potty mouth from the get go and anger problems involving kicking doors and running out of classes in crying and screaming fits, physical problems that I've read are symptoms of various mental disorders like daily headaches, heart palpitations, joint pain, fatigue, binge eating, trouble sleeping (during happy but angry state I was going to bed two-three hours later than usual and I started drinking coffee because I just 'didn't want to go to bed' - I have common sense you need sleep! so that was just stupid but again last night I went to bed at 6am and woke up 7:45am, mad paranoia (whoevers behind me is following me and I find myself thinking someones following me after hearing my own footsteps - but thats with my headphones in so...), if you're laughing you're laughing at me, if you're looking at me you're talking about me. I'm lost now and don't know what to write. I'm terrible at rambling. What I was thinking a while ago as one of friends suggested that I could be bipolar after my depressed episode in october (she knows nothing about bipolar through) but I had been thinking about it for months before she said it and I remember wondering if my weird spinning in fast food shops, angry outburst, skipping in empty dark classroom, foot in mouth -ism was mania as it obviously wasn't normal but maybe it is normal and I've possibly just found my annoying personality and its a coming of age kind of thing. But I get the whole coming of age, finding yourself thing but if this is honestly just the beginning of 'finding myself' then coming of age should be charged with manslaughter because this is ridiculous.
Ramble over.
Feel free to criticise I think I'm in need of a kick up the arse.
Can't believe I'm posting this.
Written by
Jessicajayx
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16 Replies
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Hi Jessica. I was smiling a bit at your last bit about finding yourself. For years I have tried to find myself. Now I have I'm not sure whether it was a mistake! I always wonder what happens if you find yourself and wish you hadn't. Can you 'unfind yourself'?
I'm not really sure what to say to you. I do remember from my own teenage years much of what you say coz your hormones are really running riot. If it really is just an extreme version of this then it may settle in a year or so. (I really think all teenagers should be kept in a zoo until they are about 20!).
I am concerned that your feelings seem very extreme, but most of all because you have self-harmed. Thats a bad road to go down Jessica.....I think you have to try and nip that in the bud before it becomes a habit. Easier said than done. I am not an expert love but I do think you should go and see your doctor. Not because I think there is necessarily anything wrong but just to rule it out. You say that you are a carer as well. I have great admiration for you. That must be so difficult. You seem to have a lot on your plate. Teenage years are difficult enough without having to cope with caring too. And school and probably a million other things. All I know is that I do think you need help and I think the doctor has to be your first port of call even if its only help with the caring aspects. You sound overloaded and your circuits are all fizzing at once. And your brain is running away with itself. I am glad I am not young now - life seems a lot more complicated for youngsters now. Too many choices and too many things happening at once. It can be hard to deal with it all.
Have you got someone to take to the doctors with you? Who can express how you are feeling and behaving? If not print off what you have posted and show it to the doctor. You won't be the first person she/he has seen like this. Don't be embarrassed its not your fault. You didn't ask for this - its just the way it is sometimes. Try and pick a sympathetic doctor (I find women generally the best).
I am very glad you did post Jessica. It definately does help to share. On this site I have found everyone very supportive and caring and no one is going to be shocked by what you have said. Keep on posting and venting. Thats what we are all here for - listening and sharing and helping if we can. Lots of HUGS and KISSES xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The journal is such a good idea, if will put your thoughts into writing and your thoughts should become clearer. It will be easier to focus on what you're thinking about rather than why you're thinking about them. There is nothing to stop you from starting today and writing them on sheets of paper, just pop them in the front of your journal.
Look after yourself and perhaps try a claming methods when you can feel your starting to panic or overthink things, ie going for a walk, rescue remedies, take a bath. If you join Groupon or site like those you can take a look at the health and beauty offers available in your local area. Ever had a massage, they're fab! Or you could try Bikram yoga? I'm not a fan of yoga but Bikram Yoga feels entirely different, its in a super hot room, so you're a right sweaty betty, its like stepping into another world for a bit, great to escape from an overactive mind! You'll want to find a deal though otherwise they're about £12 a class which is extortionate. How about asking your friends see if they notice any patterns, perhaps they can tell what calms you down but they just don't mention it.
If you think something isnt right definitely see your GP, espcially if you're a carer, for piece of mind if nothing else.
A GP is a General Practitioner (your local Doctor)
Hi
I think it is good that you have been able to express so much confusion and chaos on the website, it is here to help in that way. You have written a lot so I won't attempt to comment on much of it but it does sound as though you have always felt isolated and that is the worse thing that can happy to anyone as isolation leads to extreme thoughts and feelings. We all have negative feelings and thoughts but when there is no one understanding them the result is feeling the kind of chaos you have written about. At different times in my life I have felt some similar feelings but as a result of long periods of therapy I do feel much more settled emotionally and no longer have such extremes of feeling. You said you live in daydreams and fantasies which sounds as though it's difficult for you to live in reality. I know that feeling. I also lived in daydreams and fantasies for much of my life but I discovered in therapy that I did that because the realities of my past life felt too painful for me to face. I wonder what your past was like and whether you felt understood and loved as a young child, whether you were ever happy or whether perhaps, like me, you always felt something was missing. You may have had external chaos to cope with, some kids do. If you are able to write about the reality of your experiences, particularly your early experiences, then you may find that telling your story enables you to find some peace. Making sense of your past will structure your thoughts and feelings and help you to make sense of them. If you feel able to write about your childhood I will want to hear and I'm sure other people who read the website will also care.
Suex
Hi Jessica, I agree with all the other posts on here. I think the diary is great, I have been doing this and sometimes it helps to clear my head or it helps to put things into perspective. I just use a note pad and date each entry, I don't make myself do it, I just do it when I feel I need to. I also recommend seeing your doctor as you imply that you have not taken any professional advise yet.
First of all, your parent's need to know what's going on, and don't laugh or joke when you are telling them about these insecurities. Now, however strong the problems in your life may be, always make sure your basic needs are met and kept consistent. Routines help normalize your mental state, and if you are starting to break healthy 5 or more year old routines then that can be a huge indicator of mental instability. Don't surround yourself with negativity as well, that sounds a little cliche but it can be very overwhelming to watch horror and psychotic thrillers or listen to dark music when you are already feeling negative, nervous, or uneasy in your head. Lastly, Go to a psychiatrist or some other medical professional. Take care of yourself.
I can't offer any advice, but I am also a teen and you are not alone. When I freak out I talk to myself in my head. And I think about if my family would be okay if I died, and everything and imagine it, and plus I think I have OCD, but the OCD is telling me not to tell anyone and I have been hiding it so long. You are actually the first person I ever told this much, maybe because I don't know you.
I swear to god you are NOT the only one, you've just perfectly described my life (I'm pretty sure there may be a lot of differences which I am missing but currently , my life).
Plus this is a YEAR ago but either way I'm going to answer you. I've been dealing with such emotions as well and have even seen , as I grew up, that other people deal with it too. (join social media xD) I never went to a psychiatrist or something, I mean if something was wrong I propably should be going there but I never did, never wanted and never would. Can't say people shouldn't go, because I've heard of many cases feeling better after going there .
Either way, I personally see that as being normal plus in fact you have the mind of a writer ! xD You have rambled normally though paragraphs would have been better. Believe me, daydreams, getting angry and stuff are normal, yes they could be a disorder as well but even mental disorders ,as written from a professional, are not a disease, so they cannot be cured. this means that you'll have to realize that it is not something which can just "go away", it's just something which you have to learn to deal with. And yes anything affecting your mentality is definately NOT nothing, it is something, but the only way to be cured of the "feeling something is wrong with you" is by learning to deal with your emotions slowly step by step. Letting the chaos of emotions out in a journal is definitely a great start, after that TALK it out since this what it helped. I had these emotions for long but once I got a fiend in school and I felt better, but even then I got more confusion in my head so I talked it out with my mother every day (though as time went on , I didn't need to do it every day anymore ) and it HELPED. Start opening up to people. Just don't do the mistake which I did which was due to fear trying to close yourself again because feeling this way is unfamilair since this will cause another variety of problems. But don't worry if the feeling comes back, it's normal, after time from time you will be able ( no matter how strong that feeling is or was) to deal with it properly and be free.
Other than that, Joing sports clubs and activities to let the stress in your head out so you'll be too tired to think about those stuff. Also eat healthily, Fruits and stuff.
And if you want to check if you have anything weird inside of you then just buy Wormwood, blackwalnut hulls and Common cloves (capsules or liquid, your choice) and eat one spoon to two spoons to maximum but start of with one drop till seven drops and than one spoon and twoo spoons til you reach two weeks. Plus eat Diatamcaous earth, you will have to find out in the internet how to eat as it is...different. and than perhaps buy a Zapper (some illnesses causes depression) and use it on yourself properly and find out in the internet how to use it the best way. Well either way, you need to detoxify yourself after this.
School just started I have have been feeling like I'm a bunch of people trying to be one. At school i put on a mask of the old me, a happy go lucky kid who is very good at math and science, the kind of kid who calls out in class and try's to help teach. But when I get home I break down I contemplate death(though I know that it would just pass my state to another) I hide my feeling until I can release them, I use to love attention. But now I hide from it surrounding my self in darkness. Wow already I feel like some of that is gone. I also try to remember this, be strong because the storm can't last forever.
my search "help me pls i'm losing my mind". this post wasnt the first thing that popped up but it was like the 4th. no, no you aren't the only person that is feeling that and i'm 19. also this post describes how i feel on so many levels. the many ideas at once. noticing things in media. the use of parentheses to explain things. so you made me feel more normal and it helped so much i had to tell you 3 years later.
Hey jesssic don't worry I'm only 16 a male Mexican but still I'm feeling like that so don't worry just with the help of god everything will be ok so don't worry 😉
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