I'm not home and i'm panicing what is going on there. Losing my mind

[Against_the_current]

I'm going insane. I paniced about my sister and whether they traumatized her and whether she wants me home so i texted her hours ago, she didn't answer, so i kept on panicing, i called her, she was talking a pathetic, i thought she's depressed and paniced, called mom and now i'm worried i bothered mom at work and mom's gonna scold sis and sis is gonna be mad at me and my panic. I also called granma and dad and they both asked me when i'm starting a job. I wish my family understood i'm mentally ill and i just need some support, not actions, nor them getting worried, investigating it, telling me to work when i'm scared to breathe. I just need reassurance. I'm panicing because i'm not there. Dad escaped, i escaped. I'm going back Tommorrow, i can't. But here it's paradite and i'm still panicing and having nightmares every single night. I'm going insane and i need someone to understand and support me

[SoporRose]

Real_Me,

You are in such a terrible predicament. Your worry for your sister is well-founded (I remember your first posting), but you will only be able to save her after you've taken care of yourself. You wrote "I'm going back Tommorrow, i can't. But here it's paradite and i'm still panicing" and I'm wondering if you mean to move back home or just go for a visit? If where you are now is working for you, STAY THERE. Get as well as you can. Talk to everyone who is a resource for you about what resources there are for your sister and how you can help her. Don't give up on finding her what assistance you can. But you can't keep her head above water until you are no longer drowning.

Your family sounds largely unaware of what it means to be mentally ill. Have you found a therapist? If so, you might ask your therapist if you could have some joint, on-line sessions with your family. Or your primary care physician might be able to talk with them and you to explain how real your illness is. It might not help, but I don't think it would hurt. However, you will know best about that.

Everything is so tangled that it's hard to know what is the right thing to do, but even if you misjudge a bit or can't predict what will happen, ultimately your sister will know you cared and did your best and the knowledge will help her. I think you did the right thing to call your mom and alert her to your sister's state. Even if your mom doesn't react well, you have tried and if the day comes when you try to get your sister to live with you, you can point to how you alerted you parents to your sister's health. I hope you are keeping a record to show social workers and therapists as evidence.

I hope the panic is subsiding. I haven't found any ways to get rid of it besides waiting for it to away. I wish I could be more help.

Ruth

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you, Ruth. I'm going for a visit, planning to come back when my therapist here gets out of hospital. She didn't tell me what she has, just said she will be in hospital. It's so tangled and i'm trying to control everything, paralyzed by FOMO and its friends. I really want my family to understand my mental illness but i don't think they're capable of, nor are therapists capable of explaining. Maybe it's just because of the stigma in my country and how people think and how bad therapists are. I try my best to control every detail in this tangled hell and it's a nightmare

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I’m the same way about wanting to control everything. It feels like it would be safer if I could. But then, if I controlled everything, any bad outcomes would be my fault, so there’s no winning.

You’re probably right about your family never being able to understand, but it’s so hurtful when the people on whom we are supposed to be able to lean keep pulling the rug out from under us.

You are incredibly brave to have struck out on your own. I’m guessing it may be hard to believe that about yourself, but it’s true. And brave to go back for a visit. I hope you’re able to reconnect with your sister and make a plan to extract her from that situation.

Stay in touch, please.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you so much. I really want to control everything and blame myself for everything. And living on my own is hard enough but my grandparents not seeing it are asking me when i'm starting a job. And it took me so much efforts and bravery to go home and i'm worried sis will see me as annoying and mom might change her attitude. I'm in the train right now anxious

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

RM,

How is it going?

I wish I knew some way to get your family to understand through what you are going and the heroic effort it takes to grapple with mental illness.

You write that you’re worried that your sister will see you as annoying. May I offer a gentle reminder that older sisters are SUPPOSED to be annoying and younger ones annoyed? A certain amount of that is just normal family interaction. It can be tricky to sort out the normal from the crazy, but your sister knows you love her. She may have a difficult time knowing how to behave in order to feel safe with your mom, but your visit is a testament to how much you love her. I hope the two of you get some time alone.

I wish you tons of luck.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you. I'm here. I told her i want to go to the supermarket to buy stuff to make pancakes but mom left no money. She told me to take from hers, i told her i don't want to take hers, she said she was at dad's and dad gave them to her cause the baby ate hers. I paniced so damn hard. I'm still panicing. I lost my appetite and feel like i'm going to throw up. I need to hide this panic. The baby. And she was at dad's. Was it just a visit or did she had troubles with mom and had to escape and deal with the baby there. I went outside, i was feeling like i'm gonna puke in the supermarket, i can't breathe. I went outside, got back, took a med, hugged by rabbit but i'm still losing it.Yesterday when i arrived nobody welcomed me. Mom was asleep probably drunk and sis was outside probably escaping it. I hope it's just probably not real. I'm panicing hard since yesterday. And seeing no money scares me too. I just hope they're in mom's card.