Nothing to see here

[wheredidigo]

Hi

i wonder if anyone feels empty like me?

i think i'm depressed now but i often am and don't mind it because i get to feel something other than calm or angry with frequent panic attacks

i don't like to talk to people and do my best not to be noticeable i stop conversations quickly, don't think "i" have talked to anyone for years, i try to work people out so i can attempt to reflect back at them.

the thought of people knowing stuff about me makes me panic although i don't really do anything anyway

the thought of people talking about me makes me panic

people phoning me makes me panic

when i panic i hide or get angry

i hurt myself a lot

i feel removed from myself

am unable to talk to people

i haven't seen a doctor since being prescribed prozac about 12 yrs ago

that was awful and made me worse

i don't even know if i should be on this site

i don't really exist apart from an ache i can't find

i'm just what i created to deflect people

don't really know what to do, i got a appointment to see the doctor but expect he'll just fob me off because i'm incapable of getting my thoughts across to people in person

[Hidden]

Hi

What you feel is really familiar to me as it sounds like I felt in my earlier life, apart from self harm and I only didn't do that because I knew it would make things worse and I scared of the consequences if that happened, was afraid of being taken into hospital.

Medication does make some people feel much worse, especially if they are not depressed in the classical way which you clearly are not. Panic is more of an over-aroused state so Prozac will definitely exagerate that I think.

When you say you try to work people out so that you can reflect back to them I wonder whether that is the way you learned to relate? I also did that, I used to be the child on the edge of the group watching everyone and trying to understand so that I could say the right thing that would make them like me or value me.

You also write of hiding and withdrawing, I also used to do that, it's scary finding the world so scary. Have you always found the world frightening? I know I had until I eventually decided I had to seek help.

You say you haven't spoken to a doctor for 12 years but now have an appointment and are scared he will fob you off. Why not write down your symptoms, even print out what you have typed here, and give the writing to him and just say that it all feels too difficult but that you would like to get referred to someone and let him respond? Only if you think he is ok as a GP of course. If you think he is not sensitive then maybe it would be better first to find someone else to approach, for example the Samaritans, or Mind. Both of those have ordinary people who care and will not judge you, and because it is by phone it can be less scary than face to face.

I hope you think it will be safe to let your GP know how you are feeling. It sounds as though you feel a lack of any sense of self, which is what I also felt earlier in my life. Psychotherapy helped me to feel real and feel connected with people and I think it can help you too, but if you go to your GP with only vague symptoms he may think you are depressed and suggest a different anti-depressant which will not help because depression is not your main problem. I think if you take the symptoms written down and ask to be referred to a psychotherapist you will find it helpful, you will be able to talk to one person who is likely to be gentle, sensitive and trustworthy and they will understand how scary it feels for you to be there and to talk to them. They will help you to talk and also will not mind if you feel you can't talk, if it is too scary then you could write what you feel and take that, they will accept that is the only way you feel able to communicate. So therapy can be a very safe way that you can start to trust someone enough to let them help you to feel real.

It was brave of you to write on the website. I remember when I first began to tell someone how I was feeling and how scary it felt. Do write again, and think of writing for your GP as I suggested. He can find the local psychotherapy service and refer you and then you will begin to feel helped and connect with something in yourself as well as the outside world.

If you want to tell me I'd like to know how you feel after reading my idea, I don't know whether it will be helpful but I hope it is. Do write more here, everyone who reads the website has problems with feeling connected in the world or feeling connected to themselves.

Suex

[wheredidigo in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your advice, i've written things down to take with me now

[Hidden in reply to wheredidigo]

Yes, it does help, I've done that myself! I hope it goes well, Suex

[Hecter]

I feel so sad sue that you got no reply as your advice made perfect sense to me.So yes it did help me .Thankyou

[Hidden in reply to Hecter]

I'm glad it helped. I think it's really hard to communicate feelings that seem impossible to communicate, the tendency is to become passive and go along with what is offered because it can seem too much effort to try to make sense in order to be clearer. It's all a bit circular!

[Hidden]

Hi I totally empathasise with how you feel. I know when I was younger I was totally confused by the world and I didn't understand people or anything. I did know I felt totally emply and was just floating in space with no anchor. I too tried to 'reflect' back at people but that didn't work either. I know now that people pick up on that and that being myself is much better for all my faults.

I tried to be the perfect daughter and sister and I tried to have friends at school. I know that I didn't succeed in anything I tried. The harder I tried the harder I failed so I gave that up and didn't speak to people or do anything. I was paralysed with fear all the time and was embarrassed by my existence (or non-existence). I didn't want anyone to know anything about me because they would only use it to hurt me.

I had quite a lot of therapy over the years and it has helped me to become much more self-aware. I worked on myself too and watched how popular people reacted with the world.

I made a decision - I could either kill myself which was fine or I could instead try my best to be happy. Stark choice! Once I took the second option I came on in leaps and bounds. I don't know how it happened but I started feeling a sense of self and that I was ok. It gets knocked even now and the emptiness will return. But only for a short time and then I just think ...it and stick 2 fingers up at the world.

I take anti-depressants. Prozac didn't agree with me so I now take sertoline. They do help.

I don't know if I have helped you at all - I hope so. I just wanted you to know that I do understand how you are feeling. And that there is hope because I have done it. So can you but it will take time and patience. My life is still far from perfect but I am in me which is worth the world.

Let us know how you get on please.

Bev x