Struggling at the moment..

I have read some of the other blogs on here about some of you feeling much more positive and I could wish I could say the same. I feel like I've been declining mentally for some months now and feel like I'm slowly descending into lunacy..going mad! Feel like I'm almost about to hit rock bottom..mentally..emotionally. I am trying to stay in control, to be strong but I'm all over the place. I honestly feel like I'm going insane.

As I've written in my other posts after many years of struggling with negative emotions and depression I was recently referred to the Mental Health Team and was seen by a psychiatrist who diagnosed dysthymia, AI term I had never heard of but made sense when I did some research. He has referred me to a psychotherapist. I have completed the questionnaire that she sent but this is all so frustrating as it has now been months since my GP wrote to the Mental Health Team (in desperation, afraid of what I might do I begged the GP to refer me to a psychiatrist) and I still haven't started any form of therapy. I know it takes time to get into the system and everything but soon it will be Christmas, all those public holidays and more delays and I fear it may be too late by then.

Things have seem to come to a head now in all aspects of my life. After years of hating what I did career wise I switched to something I've always been passionate about and started my own business a couple of years ago. But oh yes, of course I would soon become unhappy doing that as well. The story of my life: Eternally miserable. Married, divorced, many unhappy relationships under the belt. The last one broke up a year ago. You think I would have been happy with that one - a man of means who loved me and brought up my son like his own. Granted, he was a hard and difficult man with 2 marriages and divorces under his belt, impossible to live with. We fought like cat and dog constantly. Eventually after 6 toxic years I ended it..the stress of it all too much too bear. He never could understand my depression and emotional roller coasters.

Now, I should be happy at last. Single. No man to wear me down. Son grown up and due to leave home to start university next year. Business still going but still a niggling feeling inside that I'm capable of so much more career wise. But no, still miserable. But more than that, terrified of the future. House (co-owned with ex) due to be sold when son leaves for uni next year. Financially ok as have savings and there will be quite a large bit of my share of the equity from the sale of the house. But, I feel so uncertain about everything, so disconnected from reality. So 'different' to everyone out there. I don't quite know how to explain it. It's like it's me up against everything and everyone. My business means I don't really interact with people much and what with no friends and family other than my son I feel so isolated. But it's my fault. You make your bed...

I sound so self-indulgent and unappreciative. I feel guilty for feeling like the victim. I so wish I could go back to my childhood and start all over again, knowing what I know now. If only...

If I was neurotic a year ago, I feel like a complete basket case now. So nervous and jittery that I struggle to do the most basic of things, like filling up my car with fuel. I am having to make a conscious effort just to stay on top of basic everyday tasks. The only thing I look forward to is climbing into my bed at night. I feel safe and secure there. But then I have to wake up and go through it all again..emotional torture..thinking constantly..worrying..worrying...can't stop myself..what will I do with myself next year? I feel so alone..so isolated. I am waiting for something, someone to come along and make it all better..but what? I just feel that I have come to the end of the road.

[jonnywombat]

Hi Ziggy,

You are in a difficult situation, and you are not self indulgent and unappreciative for feeling the way you do.

It is a shame your local CMHT are not more responsive, as you sound like you need all the support you can get at the moment.

I know exactly how you feel about even the smallest task requiring a massive effort, and the place that feels safe is bed. That is exactly how I feel too, so you are not different from everyone out there, and you are not alone, as lots of us are in the same boat.

When you were referred to CMHT were you assigned a co ordinator, if so it would be worth giving them a ring to let them know how you are feeling and to see how long you will be waiting for.

Jonny

[Hidden]

Hi Jonny,

Thanks for your reply. No I wasn't assigned a coordinator as such. The psychiatrist that assessed me recommended psychotherapy. Now the part I can't understand - after all this time of seeing the GP & the GP writing to the Mental Health Team (she did so right away), I'm still in the 'being assessed for psychotherapy' phase of this whole process. I was sent a detailed questionnaire which I duly completed & sent back so I'm really hoping they don't 'decline' me. That will really be the end!

Such a difficult day today. My work means that I have to go out for a chunk of the day, but all I want to do is run away and hide from the world. It is all too much of an effort and then I feel guilty for feeling 'lazy' but it's the mental aspect that is such hard work.

I have taken to cracking open the vino in the evening as this lifts my mood somewhat..but of course it's only temporary relief. I know that. I need to knock this habit on the head as it will do me no favours in the long term. But I can't seem to. Some people take drugs, some cut, alcohol is my release.

Ziggy

[jonnywombat]

Hi Ziggy,

Maybe things work differently here in Wales, because all referrals to CMHT here get a coordinator, and your partner (if you have one) are assigned their own worker also.

I cant see that you will be declined therapy based on the result of your questionairre, I would imagine it is used to assess what kind of therapy would be most suitable for you.

I really relate to the feeling that you are lazy and feel guilty for not being able to do more. I feel exactly the same. I spend time apologising to people who I feel I have let down, who only want to see me get well.

You are right that it would be a good idea to lay off the vino. Alcohol is a depressant, so although you may feel better temporarily, it makes you less able to cope in the long run. I know this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, because I can easily drink 1/2 a bottle of vodka plus when having a binge, and my other coping methods are not positive either, but it is no good. I am sure that when you get your therapy that will be something they look at with you.

Take care,

Jonny x

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Hi Jonny,

No, I haven't been given a coordinator. I live in the South East of England so perhaps things work differently here.

I realise that the alcohol is doing me no good. I had a really bad day today and was in such a negative frame of mind tonight that I have polished off a bottle and a half of wine. The terrible thing is that I think I am so immune to it and will more than likely wake up tomorrow with no hangover at all!

I know I am just drowning my sorrows and this is no solution but I can't seem to stop.

Ziggy x

[Mich12]

Dear Ziggy

My heart really goes out to you, its almost when reading about you, I was reading about me!!

You see im terribly good at advising others but struggle every day with my own emotions. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, your not going insane and I know each day can be a terrible struggle.

I also live in the south east of England and now see a physcotherapist, have been for a few months.

I dont want to bleat on and on about things to try. I know when im in that bad place I really couldnt give a damn what others say but if you ever need someone to talk to or you want a few tips on how to cope do come back to me.

Much love

Michelle xxx

[Hidden]

Thanks Michelle,

Whereabouts do you live and how long initially did you have to wait to see your therapist. Also, how long do you wait in between therapy sessions? It obviously differs region to region.

I'm so glad I stumbled across this site. It is comforting to know that there are so many like minded people out there who are going through the same thing.

I'm not in a relationship now but even when I was I felt I could never let my ex-partner know what was going on and how I felt. I have always built emotional barriers (defense mechanism) and have never really let anyone get close to me emotionally. I did try telling him once that I was depressed, he listened but never mentioned the subject again. It is very difficult when you are surrounded by 'normal' people who breeze confidently through life and take everything in their stride. I wish I could be like that and not so sensitive to the environment and especially. to change.

Ziggy x

[Humphrey42]

Hi Ziggy,

Speaking from experience Everybody knows alcohol is a depressant and that we should stop/cut down. Thats the easy part. For what its worth I 've started going to daily/weekly group therapy sessions and being given a key worker. There were, are really helpful. They give you direction and hope that you can make things better. They give u a drink diary. At least its a bit of company and free tea and biscuits. Your GP should give a local group. It does really help.

best wishes

Andy