My story.

At the beginning, it was some kind o escape. My granny died and I had prayed for her, willing her to stay with me, but god took her away from me, and I used the pain within my heart, and cut my arm several times. A few, tentative cuts, just to try to vent my pain. At first, it hurt, but seeing the blood running down my wrist, it was a kind of adrenaline flowing through my veins. This sick thought came flooding into my thoughts. I liked it. After that, it only took small things to make me want to cut. Things like a little argument with my parents, a disagreement with a teacher, a slightly negative comment online. I would get home and have a desperation within me.  If I was in a place or time where I couldn't cut, or if I couldn't find a razor, a blade or even scissors, I would feel panicky, and not feel calm until I had found something. Even now, I carry a small razorblade around with me at all times, just incase I feel safe. At my worst time of selfharming, I was cutting every day for about four weeks. My left arm in particular, you can't make out each individual cut it's just a mess of scars. I'm looking at my scars as I write, and I can make out twenty-seven clear scars on my left arm, twelve on my right (I'm right-handed). I have about ten scars on my right thigh and five on my stomach. I still cut, but I'm desperate to stop, but the truth is, I can't. I've become addicted to something that could potentially hurt me badly.

[B1ddy]

Hiya,

Have you been a long to your Dr?

Although my situation is different to yours, I went through years and years of only telling the Dr's part of the story, it got to the point a few months ago where I had to do something. I changed my Dr's and have been completely honest with them, now I am on medication that is working and going for CBT which is hard and has brought up a lot of things I had long forgotten about.

It is hard going for that first appointment, I wrote lots of things down for a couple of weeks before I went as you only get a short time with the GP and there is the chance you may forget something.

Do you have a close friend that you can trust and you know will not judge you and be really supportive?

Another thing to bear in mind is what happens if you are searched by the police and are found to have a blade on you if you're carrying it around? It could be perceived to be an offensive weapon, which is the last thing you need right now.

Hope things do get better for you x

[Hidden in reply to B1ddy]

Hi.

I'm getting counselling and starting meds soon.

The blade is tiny, from a razor.

Xx

[Hidden]

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting yourself by cutting in order to ease the pain and although I have never self-harmed I can understand why you are worried about how much further the cutting may go. It will not help for me to tell you to stop, because of course you can't at this time. Cutting offers you relief.

I was struck by your saying God took your granny away. I wonder are you religious and your belief in God was central to you and enabled you to believe in a good world. I am also struck by the importance of your Granny to you - she obviously mattered very much to you and I wonder whether she was the most important person in your life, whether she has always been the most important person? Obviously I do not know your history, but it sounds to me as though you found something with your granny that you are unable to find with anyone else? I wonder whether what you found is missing in your relationship with your family and whether it always has been missing> You don't mention family or friends and we all need those!

You are clearly dealing with a lot of painful feelings and right now you are coping with them in a damaging way. You need someone to share those feelings with - perhaps Granny was the one you turned to when things got bad?

I would suggest you get your GP to refer you for counselling in order to get support to help break the pattern of cutting as a way of helping, as although it eases the pain in the short term you know in your heart that in the long term it may only make things worse.

I wish you well and my thoughts are with you.

Suexx