Um, hi?

[nowherenearearth]

I'm actually new here, which is probably why writing this post feels kind of overwhelming, I guess. I don't even know where to start, to be honest, because this is only my second time seeking help - talking to someone professional only managed to make me feel unsafe and exposed.

My problems start back in middle school, when my skin was my number one enemy and eleven-years-old me wouldn't fit in with her classmates - it started with mild skin shaming (comments on how I had to change my habits, how bad my face looked), but quickly evolved into something that sent me spiralling (being called names - sl*t, fattie, queer - and laughed at, schoolmates looking at me and frowning).

On top of that, I guess that not being able to look at girls and not /feel/ something or wonder didn't help. I got insulted every day for my sexuality, and I didn't even know what homosexuality was. (Up to date, I'm a nineteen years old girl who keeps on telling herself that if she doesn't find that boy attractive, it's okay - she just has to try with another one, someone who isn't a girl so that her family and friends accept her.)

I started isolating myself when I figured that denying what they said wouldn't work out. I would skip meals, avoid people. Pinch myself when not being alone got too much, but it wasn't enough. I started cutting at the age of twelve, after my at that time recently-found-best-friend showed me her scars, and managed to keep it a secret for three years.

I fell into a routine, once I got familiar with self-harming and its effect on me. I would wake up, skip breakfast, go to school, get home, eat a few bites to keep my parents from asking, get back to school, put up with whatever my classmates had in mind to do to me, walk home with a lump in my throat and cut until I couldn't bear the feeling of it anymore, try and do my homework, have dinner with my family, excuse myself to the bathroom and cut again. When I couldn't cut, I would drop Oxford dictionaries on my fingers or punch my ribs.

My mum broke me out of this routine when I was about fifteen - not intentionally. She found the blade I used to hurt myself in the shower and asked me about it. I guess she already knew and didn't want to admit that her older daughter wasn't okay.

I didn't stop. I would use my pencil sharpener blade and use it on my thighs - not on my forearms anymore, because I had noticed the glances I got from my parents whenever I wore short sleeves.

I cut and went running whenever I had the chance, tiring myself out in order not to think until I didn't anymore.

Life was good again. I could breathe. I started eating, got healthy, taking care of myself. I really liked life, actually learned English (which isn't my first language) on my own, took on writing and got into a long distance relationship with a girl who lived close to my city but not close enough.

Sometimes I wasn't fine, but it was okay. Bearable. I would still get through my day and get things done.

But I crashed again. Hard. Sometimes I wouldn't even get out of bed, exhausted even though I hadn't done anything that required energy. I would snap at the few people in my life, close them out. I lived but not quite. I got up but my body and my bones didn't feel alright. My mind neither.

It lasted a month, perhaps a month and a half? I got well again. Found out that listening to others helped me ignore what I was going through. I kept thinking "it's okay, you've got this. Just go, don't worry". But I did worry. A lot. I was scared of falling again.

That's what brought me here today. Ever since I was fifteen, my life has been alternating between happy, blissful moments and really dark, sad ones.

It's not bipolar disorder. I know it's not. Seems more like cyclothimia - like being bipolar, but less intense.

I can't talk about this to people I know, because it's hard for someone to wrap their heads around things like mental disorders. They might underestimate this, judge me. Send me back to where I was. And I can't get back to thinking that denial will eventually take to healing.

If anyone gets to this - thanks for reading through my post.

[Lynl]

Ok sweetie, first take a deep breath hold it and slowly exhale. I will not judge you for anything you say, and neither will anyone else here who reads this. We don't care if you are straight or gay or white or black or skinny or overweight. You are loved and you are worth it, and anyone who treats you badly is wrong and missing out on someone as wonderful as you. You mention people who treat you bad and then you say you hurt yourself , so you are also treating yourself badly, you are not loving yourself, you are causing pain , thinking it's a release, but it's not helping is it. You need to know you are worth being happy. I'm not sure I understand what upsets you, because your not happy with yourself? Can you explain so I understand exactly what it is? Do you have any family members you can open up to? Or counceling? We are all here to help too . But please don't hurt yourself anymore , please.

[nowherenearearth in reply to Lynl]

Thank you for answering and for your kind words. I appreciate your help.

I just have this big void inside of me and nothing seems to fill it? Like, sometimes I feel great. I work out, like what I see in the mirror, go out with my friends.

Sometimes I just feel the need to disappear and never think of anything I do as enough.

[Suzie40]

Hey, I wouldn't have known English wasn't your first language - it's very good! (that's the teacher in me!)

I feel so sad that you were working your way through different boys in the hope you'd find one you liked. That's not going to happen if you're gay - it's a girl who is going to make you happy!

Lucy x

[nowherenearearth in reply to Suzie40]

Really? Oh, thanks! I actually prefer English to my first language - Italian.

I know. I just don't want to admit it. I'm not brave enough to accept the fact that I am gay, I guess.

[Liz-WideOpenSpaces]

Hi. Good to hear from you. I don't judge you for what you have said. I think you're brave for being open about what's on your mind. I I know what you mean about living thinking that denial will help 'the problem' go away. Like you I've found that it certainly doesn't. Sounds like you need to talk to someone. If you can't talk to friends -would counselling be something that could help? Look after yourself. Keep sharing.

[nowherenearearth in reply to Liz-WideOpenSpaces]

I tried talking to a professional and that made me feel worse, actually.

[Liz-WideOpenSpaces in reply to nowherenearearth]

Yes, sorry you did say that in your 1st post. It could be that you didn't get the 'right' person for you. I had some therapy years ago and it took me a long time to realise that I should have trusted my gut instinct- whilst the lady was very nice she wasn't the right person for me to talk to. Needless to say I don't think it was very helpful. It may be worth trying someone else and may be let them know how it made you feel worse last time. Sometimes also things can get worse before they get better.... Wishing you well.

[Hidden]

Hiya, wow, your English is better than that of a lot of native speakers ! Keep sharing and reaching out because there are a lot of people who will be able to relate to your story and offer support/empathy/advice. Do you think you would benefit from seeing your doctor to get an accurate diagnosis and to talk about the issues that are worrying you? Usually/mostly our worries are inaccurate and the things we worry about never happen. Take care,

[nowherenearearth in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I put a lot of effort in learning such beautiful language.

I would really like to talk to someone professional, but I already tried and that didn't work out. Also, I am afraid that being diagnosed with mental illness would keep me from getting where I want in life, you know? I'm sorry if it comes off as offensive.

[Hidden in reply to nowherenearearth]

Hiya, yes, there is still stigma around mental health in the UK, although I believe that is changing now for the better, just as same-sex marriage is now recognised and celebrated. I think we are finding now that the majority of people seem to have suffered with mental health issues at some point in their life and it's good that people are more prepared to talk about it. Thankfully, people are not suffering in silence as much as they did in the past. Some doctors/health care professionals are better and more qualified than others in dealing with mental health issues. Take care,

[nowherenearearth in reply to Hidden]

I should talk to my parents about this, though. To go to therapy.

[Hidden in reply to nowherenearearth]

Hiya, I really can't comment on what you discuss with your parents. That is a matter for you and you have to do what is best for you. I do not know what the medical situation is in Italy but here you would go to see your local doctor/G.P. as a first point of contact to get help/advice on your health, both physical and mental. The doctor might suggest therapy or counselling or might recommend some other treatment. Take care,

[Lynl in reply to nowherenearearth]

Being diagnosed with any anxiety or depression will not keep you from where you want to be , it's a privacy between you and your doctor. So many people are going through what your going through. You might have slot of confusing thoughts and just need to work them out, you sound like you enjoy life with friends and going out , that is good , now to just work on the lows that get you down. We are all here to help.

[Hidden]

Do NOT be ashamed for what your sexuality is or anything about you, if people tell you that you are ugly or that there's no reason for you to be alive then screw those people. they can continue making judgments but you shouldn't take them. Ive delt with the same thing and im only 14 and still dealing with it. you gotta be strong and confident for who you really are. dont force yourself to like people that you know you arent truly attracted to.

[nowherenearearth in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your sweet and encouraging words!

I guess I should, yeah.