Pushed away by a partner who has depression

[snowchudd]

My Girlfriend is going through a bad depression episode , is currently on medication and blames me for her current predicament . We are currently separated .

She had a history of depression before we met and has managed to control it for about 5 years .

Question is why am I to blame ? Why would she now say I don't love you and don't like our house and surroundings or life with you when she loved them until this episode ?

Can any one relate to this and what is usually the outcome ?

Should I walk away ?

[WhiteAlice]

Hello, Snowchudd. Did she give you specifics, like, " You said...," or "when you...?" If she did, pay close attention to what she said. It was important to her. If not, she may be suffering from more than just depression. In bioploar disorder there can also be an anger component and blame for feelings can be placed on those closest, because the individual can't reconcile why they are so mad.

[snowchudd in reply to WhiteAlice]

Hi WhiteAlice , she is going through the menopause as well so a few times she has mentioned 'you did this' or 'you said' over the last 6 months but didn't dwell on any particular subject . What hurt me was being told 'it's you making me ill ' despite the facts that work , family , health problem and menopause have played the biggest part in this depression episode .

I have read that no one thing can cause depression ? So find me the only cause upsetting .

[WhiteAlice in reply to snowchudd]

Nah. Lots of things can cause depression: a lifetime of troubles, a single trauma, mental illness, the wrong neurons firing. Menopause can be a factor. If she's just going through a rough time, try to be patient and don't take it to heart. Try to be supportive, but take care of yourself. Don't ignore what she has told you, though. My ex bf said I touched his Christmas light. He screamed at me, threatened to take me to court, said he'd throw me out, & he hit the wall. Someone stole his light. When I told him his behavior was unacceptable, he blew it off. His excuse was he was drunk. You can't cause an illness, but make sure you aren't contributing to her darker state of mind. If necessary, get a little space between the 2 of you so you can both breathe.

[Lx91]

Hi snowchudd.

If you were happy before this episode like really and truly happy together I can assure you that she does not mean it is your fault. I have said this twice to my husband and even now still feel absolutely horrified with myself that I ever said it and could hurt him so badly, the first time led to us separating for three months because I was horrible and brought up every little thing he did that had annoyed me in the last 7yrs every little argument I'd use against him and I told him I hated him. The whole time we were apart (i stayed with a friend) he was always still there for me, he gave me my space but still made it clear that he loved me and would be there when I needed him, it was totally unfair on him as I basically used him when I felt sad or upset then would go out to get drunk with friends and go clubbing 3 hours later how he put up with it I don't know. Eventually I realised how much I loved him and that I really really needed him in my life. We talked and slowly got back to normal and I can honestly say looking back it was the most awful time that's happened to us but I wouldn't change it because we are now stronger and happier than we have ever ever been and he now knows how to deal with and help me with my depression 80% of the time. (Nobodies perfect!!)

It's hard I'm sure, I don't know how it feels for you but I know it from the other side and I honestly do not know how you do it, how can you put up with us being such awful people in our moments of darkness and learn how to forgive us. I almost think it must be harder than the one going through the depression as at least we know what's wrong you've been thrown into this situation where you have to love and care for someone that is doing everything they can to push you away.

I hope you can work things out because I'm sure deep down that you're the person she needs the most right now.

Sorry I rambled on I was trying to help you but kinda gave myself a bit of self therapy as I've never completely gone through what happened and how I was.

I really do wish you both luck and happiness in the future, it will be really hard but if you love her you'll work out how to support her in the best possible way. If she starts getting angry listen and give her a big hug even if all you wanna do is tell her to shut up!!!!! Yeah it's not fair but she really doesn't know what she's saying and will be drowning in guilt if she truly loves you as I'm sure she does.

Finally, ask her what's going on, sit down and tell her you want her to tell you honestly everything that is going on in her head and how you can help her.

L x

[snowchudd in reply to Lx91]

Lovely reply , thank you this has given me hope and understanding what goes on . Your , i hope you can work things out because I'm sure deep down that you're the person she needs the most right now. Has given me a boost , thank you x

[Lx91 in reply to snowchudd]

no problem. Like I said I know it wasn't advice as such just trying to show you her perspective.

And it's really not fair on you but hopefully it's worth forgiving her as it's not how she really feels and helping her through.

I'm so glad I helped in some way. If you ever want anymore understanding from her side (if she feels as I did!) then feel free to message me.

Good luck

L x

Ps. Maybe tell her you've asked for advice on here, it shows how much you care and want to help and maybe introduce her to the site as it may be helpful for her to talk to people in the same situation.