My behavior ruined my most cherished relationship.

[SortOfAPerson]

I have been abused and neglected by a stressed out single mom since I was born. I never met my dad, but talk to him a lot. I attract abusive or emotionally unavailable men and become extremely attached to them.

A year ago I met a love that made me see the beauty of the world and within myself. We were healing each other just by being there. I never thought he would leave. He loved and admired me. People would tell me how he raves about my skills and intelligence. I love him with a spiritual fire that I cant imagine will ever light again. I stopped drinking and got myself some help. I take anti-depressants and Xanax. It was beginning to really help my anxiety and ADHD.

When he broke up with me it was because he needed to focus on himself and attempt to undo some wrongs in his life. At first I showed him compassion and love. We said we would always love and be there for each other.

Then something insane switched in my head. I became out of control; yelling, crying, begging, threatening to never speak to him again or hurt myself. I never saw this side of me. It was a huge mess that lead me to calling out everything negative about him. I was so anxiously attatched to him and it pushed him away further. Even though he still tells me he will always love me, he also says that one day I will find a better man, that kills me.

After I moved away, I cried myself to sleep every day, woke up multiple times with panic attacks and went on all day long hikes everyday. I began to feel some clarity but my depression got the best of me.

I feel worse than anytime I was abused or bullied. I feel empty, its as if my reality is a delusion and the love I felt was just me clawing to someone too good, and too healthy for me.

I just want the suicidal thoughts to go away, I want to stop trying to replace him with alcohol and other men. I cant stop thinking that he is wrong and we deserve eachother. I keep thinking that he just needs time and he will be back even though he was very clear that it was over.