I need help

[Mayumi_]

Hi all!My last for years were pure nightmare,

i lost my job, my boyfriend and myself too.

I got so attached to my ex it got both my mental and physical health worsen. I still think about him all the time its not healthy at all. I want to forget him.

I realized i have no one to talk to, no one talks to me. My family doesn't care about me at all. I don't have friends.

I started to smoke a lot of cigarettes daily and i can't quit. I have panic attacks daily and im scared to leave the house. I really want to go outside but the hindrances won't let me. I feel so hopeless and pathetic also i am very ugly.

I tried to seek some help but my last few years i only met therapists who doesn't cared.

I don't know how long can i do this.

The flat where i live is not in a good condition at all.

I want to break the cycle and find some colours, because i got so empty inside, bottled up everything and even i know it would be a long process to find a way to be independent and have friends i think about giving up daily. I feel it as it's getting closer. No one will miss me and i don't even have the feeling that i truly ever lived.

[TheLongDream]

Hello. Hi. I know how it feels not to have a single friends, not to have talked to another person for so long, that I don't recall when was the last time, besides I don't wanna, because I have some blurry memories that after that I felt worse, than before. I'm very awkward in conversations, always say something not at place, or somehow I got misunderstood, or not understood at all, which honestly I prefer, than to be misunderstood and mistaken. People find my jokes,.. well, they don't find them, usually people don't get what's the funny thing. I know I'm a bit cynical, ironic, sometimes brutal, even vulgar, yet that is my twisted reflection of the twisted world we live in.. See. Wrote a whole lil paragraph about nonsense. I almost don't go outside. I avoid it as much as possible, and go only when it's absolutely necessary to. When I go out, I become panic attacks, just wanna go back home. Although my room is an awful mess. I'm almost 39,and I feel lost, the world is at the same time so shallow, with so many meaningless social bs, and everything is moving so fast, that I totally lost the direction. Actually, never had any direction. I never had any idea what to do with my life, what I wanna do. Just total lack of ambitions and social goals. Never found any meaning in all those things, considered 'important' or 'socialy acceptable'. Never got used to this crap. I'm fighting depression and anxiety since I was a teen.It's going on & on&on..Peace ☮️

[Cookie2217]

Hi there. My name is Tara and it's nice to meet you. 2023 was a year that I will never forget I lost my job and I lost my condo because I couldn't pay for it and now my husband and I and our cat live in my sister's basement. 2023 brought me to my knees and the only way to go is up from here. I'm so sorry that you went through the loss of your job and your boyfriend. You are so correct when you say sometimes you lose yourself and you're in that position right now and I'm kind of in that position too at the moment. Right now I also don't have any health coverage and I'm trying to find a therapist with a sliding scale but it's tough and I think that I would definitely benefit from going back into psychotherapy. My antidepressants that I'm on are not working either so I am going to wean myself off them through a doctor's care and ask to go on Prozac maybe it is the oldest antidepressant out there and two friends of mine are on that and it helps them. It's very lonely when you don't have friends to talk to that care about you but I know that if you stay on this form you will find many people that are willing to become your friend and help you through this tough time you're going through right now. I have two close friends both named Lisa that are my best friends and I love talking to them on the phone but when I get depressed I isolate and they both know that I'm in that mode because they don't hear from me for a couple of days. All last week I was so depressed I didn't get out of bed for all week that's awful I decided two nights ago that I wasn't going to live like this anymore and I am going to make a conscious effort to get out of bed every day get dressed go outside get some sunshine on my face. I want to also wake up and think about the things that I'm most grateful for which are my husband Paul we've been married for 18 years and my beautiful Maine Coon cat Bella. Paul tells me he loves me everyday and then I'm pretty and he told me to tell him and actually say to him that I was pretty and I found it difficult because I don't think I'm pretty either. I went through a lot of bullying when I was younger and verbal emotional and psychological abuse from my alcoholic mother and physical abuse from my father so I have self-esteem issues and self-loathing issues. I was also sexually assaulted so I've been through every single abuse there is and because of all of these things plus other reasons I tried to kill myself three times between the ages of 18 and 21.Things didn't get much better for the next couple years however I decided to go to college when I was 24 to study psychology because I wanted to know why I was so messed up. I learned a lot too while studying. I'm glad that I have a college diploma I worked for the state of New Jersey for 20 years and was six shamed and treated like a piece of trash they don't care about their employees at all if you drop dead they would step over you and keep walking that's how bad that place is it's like a revolving door nobody cares about you there you're on your own you get no support from anybody really I made a couple of friends but I pretty much kept to myself I didn't trust anybody in that place and for good reason. They never knew that I had major depressive disorder because they would have found a reason to use it against me. Once you get to be 50 you begin to realize that they want you to get out because they don't want to pay your pension. and they make things extremely hard for you. Someone told me to write a book about my experiences there and I think I just might do that it would be very eye-opening for people too. I would like you to please consider that you are enough and that you are worthy and I want you to look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are a child of God. Please do not do anything harsh or rash because you are feeling low or severely depressed there are many people here just like me who are here to help you if you ever want to talk I'm here so how about we could be friends how does that sound? When I read your post I automatically wanted to reply to you immediately cuz I felt you needed to hear that I feel where you're coming from and understand you and I want you to know that this too shall pass there is a light at the end of the tunnel and for you to hang in there even if you have to live minute by minute second by second breathing and breathe out slowly. The future will not be here until tomorrow so don't worry about it and our past s are filled with such tragedy at times that we need help getting over things that we've been through I know I sure did and still do. Do you like journaling? I feel journaling help me immensely I wrote both of my parents letters and I forgave them for what they did to me and it was very freeing for me. I had to realize that my parents were fallible people and made mistakes especially where I was concerned I felt very unloved by my family for many many years. My father died when I was 19 and my mother died when I was 30 and my brother died when I was 12 so I've suffered a lot of loss too and grieving issues. 10 years before my mother died she fell because of drinking and cut her lip and almost bled to death while I was sleeping in the other room not knowing what's happened I woke up to my sister yelling at me over the telephone that her mother was in the hospital I drove down there like a bandit and was so angry and I said to her how dare you do that you could have died mom and my sister Maureen would have blamed me for her death unnecessarily I had no idea she was hurt I came in and I thought she was sleeping so I went to bed in my bedroom and close the door and went to bed myself unbeknownst to me that she was holding a towel on her face hoping that the bleeding would just stop magically. The next night I snuck up to her hospital bed at 2:00 a.m. drunk as a skunk and said Mom whatever has been between you and I need to stop and it needs to stop tonight I'm sorry for everything I've ever said to you that was mean-spirited and for cursing at you but you were mean to me for many many years unnecessarily I never did anything wrong to you and it was because of your drinking and she looked at me and apologized for everything she did to me and after that night my mother and I never had another word spoken between us and anger. One last thing too you would be missed people would be very upset if you ever did anything to hurt yourself so there are people here who care so you need to hang in there and get yourself a good therapeutic counselor and if you needed maybe some medication to get you over this situation so you can come to a point of peace within yourself. Whenever you get the chance please reach back out to me and let me know how you are feeling and if you'd like to talk DM me.