If i stop, I'll brake, If i keep going, I'll crash.

[Clockwor]

Hello. Its been a long time since I was here .

Since my last visit here:

1. My dad is not terminally ill with cancer, hes now diabetic and has kidney failure

2. I'm planning my wedding (I have given up a lot of wedding wants for my dad)

3. My future mum in law has been diagnosed with epilepsy

4. My dog just cost us 1.5K in vet bills

5. My future husband after been pushed by me and his mum, has been to his Dr who diagnosed him with stress, depression and anxiety.

6. Before all this kicked off, i signed up to an online access to medicine course. Why? because i have always wanted to study medicine and never did because of my dyslexia.

My life is crazy. If i stop to think too much about it I will brake and never get back up. If i stop to feel the emotions I can feel brewing in me like a volcano about to explode, I know they will not stop flowing out of me.

I will stop being the calm, controlled and ambitious young woman I have worked so hard to become. I will revert back to the crying and parenthetic emotional mess I once was. I'm still way too heavy and trying to lose weight with little to no success

But I cant keep this up. I'm scared I'm going to snap or crash.

If i could lock myself away for 1 week, in a cabin, remote and hidden from anyone seeing me, I would cry till i couldn't any more, I would sleep for 72 hours straight, I would eat all the food and read all the books i don't currently have time for.