I think I'm going mad

[Angelkates1983]

The past 12 months have thrown some massive learning curves at me and iv coped. The last few weeks I have had palpitations. Low mood but yesterday I lost it, I couldn't stop crying. I feel a failure to everyone around me. I even thought about suicide I wasn't suicidal I didn't want too die because of my babies but I thought about how I would do it. I just feel like everyone would be better without me. I had too be sent home from work last night because of panic attacks. Today I feel drained, not tired I feel drained from inside any activity knocks me out. I'm really scared I'm going mad. I'm worried that when I go too see the doctor on mon he won't belive me. I feel in despair and I can't see away out.

[Hidden]

Hi is it possible you have post natal depression? That's my first thought. My second was how the hell do you cope with very young children and working outside the home as well? It's an awful lot to take on. Do you have a partner and is he supportive? Do you have close family and friends?

Was there something which brought this on? Some event in your life or a loss etc.?

There is no reason why your doctor won't believe you as they hear this a lot, and mental health problems is a major reason why people see a doctor. Not all doctors really get it but many do so if yours isn't very understanding please don't be put off and see another instead.

I found when I went went the first doctor was awful, but the second one, a woman, was brilliant. There is treatment out there for you so please access it. We have all been there and some still are so we totally understand how you feel.

Let us know how you get on please. x

[Angelkates1983]

Well I had post natal after my second baby who is 18 months old and I recovered well.

In the last 18 months my engagement broke up because he was cheating, I got through that. I was working as an A&E sister to which I had a day of days dealing with a 22year old hanging with family present followed by an accidental drowning. I thing that's were all this started. I then went on to suffer bullying and had to leave my dept, that actually shattered me and I'm still pretty heartbroken about it now. This was followed buy me being unable too pay my rent on a stupidly big house I had after we split so I had too move home to my mums with the kids too. I receive constant abuse from my ex who believes I am a bad mother I'm a bitch and everything else that goes with that. He even actually called the police be a use I refused too leave his house without some clothes of the kids he had.

Most recently iv secured a job as an itu nurse in alder hey but I'm waiting on the paperwork to come through. Its a massive positive but my current job is now being effected I had too be sent home at 4am because I had a massive panic attack!

I have a partner he's wonderful but I don't think he fully understands how I'm feeling, he keeps offering too talk but right now I can't make sense of what is going on in my head too explain it so I just end up in tears and totally exhausted.

Today I feel empty and numb, I feel guilty and selfish. I thought about suicide because I think that would stop everyone having too put up with me but I couldn't do it too my babies. As much as I feel a failure too them I can't leave them on my own.

I just feel drained it's not like a tiredness when you have had a bad night sleep I feel drained!!! I have the most bizarre disturbed dreams when I finally do sleep.

I dont understand what is happening to me I used too be so happy and always sore the positive in every situation and now I'm dreading tomorrow and what misery it will bring.

Sorry for ramling I feel like I need too describe it more but I just can't make sense of it

Thanks for your reply xxxx

[NFDK in reply to Angelkates1983]

PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELF <3 Hidden 's reply to you was wonderful and contained very good advice. Read it again and just work through the advice slowly. I really, really feel for you. ANYONE who has had to put up with all of the horrible things that have happened to you would be feeling terrible. Go to the doctor for some help, be kind to yourself, talk to the lovely partner who has offered to listen - and as for your revolting, abusive ex - get some support from Women's Aid. They really are a fantastic bunch of ladies. You have the chance of a new beginning now. Get your health sorted out now, so that you can take advantage of this great opportunity. I think that you have been extremely hard-working, but I also think that you have been massively under-valued. Bullying in the workplace is a horrendous thing to go through and it undermines your confidence completely. As you say, you don't want to hurt yourself because of your babies - and you are quite right! Imagine them in their teens if you had, explaining to people again and again, "Oh, well my Mum committed suicide when I was just little, so I never really got the chance to know her..." But, I know that you won't do this - and that you will have a happy life with your children, watching them grow and guiding them <3 Please dismiss anything that your ex says about you - abusive men will say ANYTHING to hurt women. You are going to be in my thoughts and I wish you all the best. Wendy x

[DiscoveringWellness]

What a lovely message from Wendy. I second everything she has said!

It sound like you've held yourself together for so long. It's inevitable a breaking point will come where you experience the emotional fall out from it all. That doesn't mean you're going mad it means you're human.

It sounds as though you hv an amazing supportive partner there who want to be there for you... let him in ... let him being there for you. It's ok to be vulnerable at times. A lot of power can come from vulnerability. (See Tony Robbins on u tube - the power of vulnerability.)

When you've had such a lot on for do long esp negative stuff it's easy to stop seeing any of the amazing beautiful things you hv in your life.

The new job no doubt will provide a fantastic new start for you, new people new experiences and a new start.

If I could recommend anything though is to take a break before you start this new job, a long break if you can afford to, with the people who love you most.

A lady who helped me, although she'll never know how much, Shannon Keiser - google her books and she does u tube vlogs. I think one of her books is called find your happy. We're a product of our thoughts and we can get stuck in the negative stuff and not be able to see a way out... she shows you that way out.

For me I was lacking a whole heap of self care. Spending do much time fire fighting everything else ... everyone else you loose sight of you. Book a local yoga class. Sounds cliché, but having time out for you even that one hour a week for a class which help you draw new positive experiences in your lifeedback and yoga is very calming and allows you that reflective time you just wouldn't give yourself at home.

Counselling could also be an avenue you want to explore.

Much love Nicola

Discovering Wellness UK xx

[Angelkates1983]

Thank you all so much, you words are comforting!! I'm going too go to the docs tomorrow so I will let you know how it goes. Thank you so much xxxxxx

[NFDK]

You're welcome <3 We're rooting for you xxx

[Angelkates1983 in reply to NFDK]

Doctors today, feel so sick at having too try an explain what's going through my head. I'm so worried they won't believe me xxx

[NFDK]

What time is your appointment? Grab a pen and a piece of paper and write down all the things you want to tell the doc. When you leave the house, don't forget the piece of paper I know that seems obvious, but I've done it before.... xxx