I'm battling extreme mental depression. I know it and can feel it. Hello everyone, anonymous friend here who might need your help. I am 25 and recently got cheated on and dumped by my long term girlfriend. This has been my 3rd broken relationship. Its been 24 years in my life since my birth and for some reason I just feel that other than my parents everyone else hates me and whoever i like/love ends up using me and then dumps me over.
Honestly saying what do Women look for in men, very curious to know the answer to this question. Is it really that easy for anyone(man/woman)to sleep with someone else? I am unable to digest this fact, and people around me have normalized it to an extent where I'm unable to come to terms with it. I so far have only been able to have physical intimacy with someone only if I had feelings towards them, is this just me who feels this way in the world? Am I the odd one out? I seriously feel very suffocated and sick with everything going on in my life.
Let me explain what happened in my life. As I mentioned I'm 25, a man educated well, completed my Graduate degree( Masters), working in a reputed company, paying my bills, and being responsible too and earning quite well, have a decent bank account and took care of my girlfriend mentally, financially, physically and emotionally too. I had been through previous relatonships where the ex was either toxic af or used to be extremely controlling. But in this case everything seemed PERFECT, like absoutely perfect. I was mad in love with her, we both too enjoyed having sex with each other. To even spice up the relationship I used to take her out to different places every other weekend, sometimes within the State, sometimes to other states too. I used to give her everything that she asked for. Slowly as things went by, our aniversary came up, a week later that was her birthday. On Our anniversary, I went down on one knee and proposed to her giving her a ring and asked her to marry her. She said yes, and one week later on her birthday, when I got home to surprise her early from work, there she was fucking some other dude on my bed at home. I was lost for words, literally started shivering, shaken, tears were rolling down my eyes. I did not know what to say.
To be honest with you all, I have not recovered from that incident till today. It has been 7 months, and there are times when I still end up crying at home. I have tried out everything possible, sleeping pills, alcohol, weed, drugs, movies, even healthier options like working out, eating healthy, treating myself, doing things for myself. Nothing has ever been able to keep me happy the way I was. There is a something in me which I'm unable to invoke to be happy, not alcohol, not drugs, not women, I almost gagged and felt disgusted as fuck after trying One night stand. Is this normal? I'm a musician too, I couldnt keep myself happy by making music. It was the first time ever. For some reason I have never ever been able to trust anyone, and idk if I ever can.
As a Last resort, I feel like giving up my life and just go for suicide. I dont know what else to do, I dont enjoy hanging around with friends, I am too scared to go on dates as the fear of not able to trust still lingers in me and I'm scared that I may vent out all my frustration on a new person who's never done anything to me and who would probably want just good for me, I'm scared to trust anyone, I doubt my own capabilities and I doubt my existence, I even doubt if anyone ever liked me.