Help. Am I the bad one??: Feel so torn... - Mental Health Sup...

Mental Health Support

27,910 members15,974 posts

Help. Am I the bad one??


Feel so torn. Family who neglected me are now unwell. Been told by one of them to come down to help look after her. Because her husband is still in hospital. She hasn’t wanted to speak to me since Christmas. Now she wants me there with her. With covid and UK lockdown I can’t come anyway. So hard to say no. They expect me to come. I’ve been unwell for a while and am now seen as selfish. Feel so bad and the neglect is still raw inside. Is it wrong to be this day, they can’t acknowledge it, that they did it and can’t get round the idea of them not owning up to it. Not that sorry/an apology can make it go away but it’s hard knowing that they are in their 80/90’s and I know better than to bring it up with them for I know I will get a cold, frosty reply and upset at the thought of talking about it and deny it all just to try and make them look good. Toxic family. Or maybe I’m the toxic one 🤷‍♀️. Feel so bad/confused about it all.

26 Replies

You need to put yourself first and not your family. They sound very toxic and will probably be bad for your mental health. They are trying to guilt trip and manipulate you as usual so don't fall for their games please. From the sound of it you don't owe them anything. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Don't keep expecting or hoping they will see the error of their ways and recognise or apologise to you because they never will. You need to get your love, approval, and validation elsewhere otherwise you will never be able to put your past behind you and move on.

To be honest if this was me I would have cut all contact with them years ago. Not saying you should or anything but it sounds like your past is still holding you back and stopping you living a fulfilled life. Tell them to take a hike!

Hi Hypercat54. Thank you so much for your reply to this.

I turned my back years ago but just as I came out of my teens I let my guard down and somehow they came back into my life. I feel stupid I allowed it. It’s been a reoccurring thing that seems to happen.

They are quick to point the finger and say I’m the only grandchild they see and for that I should be happy. It wasn’t even Christmas. It has been longer that I’ve had no contact with them over the phone. She’s never questioned as to why none of her other children or g/children that want nothing to do with them. They have also cut all ties with me (aunts/uncles/cousins) everything is so messy and feuds still happening from before I was even born and still going on to this day.

I am always the one to think I was in the wrong or in the wrong place at the wrong time. They don’t remember the nights I was sent to my room/bed etc when I was around 6.

Recently started therapy and 1-2-1 and with all of this with my g/parents seems to have both hit me with a tonne of bricks.

Because I’ve kept it so closed in for so long and feel because of this it makes me the bitter one

Please don't feel stupid for allowing them back into your life, after all they are experts at manipulating you. You know what you need to do now for your mental health. You can do it coz you are strong.

It’s so easy to think the next time will be different. They know what to say and make me feel bad so I do it. Had it not been for covid (as much as I hate that I would do this) but to keep the peace I would most probably have gone. To then not being wanted when/if my step g/dad gets out of hospital. Today I found out they’ve him on oxygen now. She must hate me for not going. Like I’ve let her down.

With ‘members’ on here like you all I know I can gather strength from just reading the replies


Keeping the peace will only ever lead to more abuse. Maybe therapy would help you to break away from them?

I’m hoping that the therapy will. I’ve only just started and although finding it hard it’s starting to make me think about what has made me think the way I do. I’ve never been validated from them or that I’ve a choice. I tried to be the good one all the time.

Thank you for your kind words. You don't need them to validate you coz we will do that on here. I was never validated by my family either but therapy taught me to seek it elsewhere.

Therapy isn't an easy option and can be very painful but it's so worthwhile

It’s horrible how not being validated can affect self worth and how you view the world around you. You’re only validated when they need/want something. Then it’s oh N can do this and that. But feel bad I can’t.

Heard today my Nan is back in hospital. Yet got told this morning (wed) had I or my mum been there this may not have had to happen.

no no no they’re toxic,if you’re being neglected;(

I'd say don't go, put your own health first. I'd say you are being gaslighted, not a healthy situation at all. You are not responsible for anyone else except yourself and your own under age children and any pets you have. Try not to let any cold frosty reply disturb you.

You are not the toxic one.

If you are dealing with nacissistic personalities, they will never apologise. In this case you need to seek help in this area. You may benefit from reading books on setting boundaries and emotional intelligence.

Take good care of you first and foremost.

Thank you Bkin for this. I will read the link you put in the reply to me.

It’s so nice to read it’s not me who is toxic or in the wrong. It is hard though when it’s not in so many words told that.

No don’t think that way if they only want you around when it suits them then that’s no family I’d want to be associated with, it’s toxic and messing with your head. You need to out yourself first and I think it says a lot about you and your good nature that even after the neglect you still feel guilty. Stay strong and good luck with everything

Thank you Smudge2522. I feel really bad. It’s feels like because I’m not going to them I’m failing them. They know what to say and how to make the other person feel bad and that they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s all me. It’s like I’m only useful if I’m running to their beck and call all the time.

It's not you, it's them. Don't let them continue to rule your mind and your world.

Your answer is no, you can't go help them. Covid, lock down, your own health issues should be enough for them in answer.

You know they will have negative things to say. This is about them NOT you.

Do what's best for you. Continue to take care of yourself.

You are your priority.


hypercat54 in reply to Dolphin14

Agree 100%.

Thank you Dolphin14. You know what I’m like with you and your words.

You see the good in me and I don’t see it in myself. Always mean what I say when I say thank you for being there. Talking me through things.

I know you’re in my corner.

Much 💜 to you all from across ‘the pond’


Always in your corner ❤️

Looks like others feel the same way. It's not you, it's them. I wish you could just get away from them. They will continue to do damage. They don't know any different. It's going to be very hard to heal in that same environment.

❤️ To you also from " across the pond" 🐬

Those who are toxic never consider that they might be.

That’s lovely Klaus-sperger. I would hate to think I was and although I know we all make mistakes and would hate to think of myself as toxic.

Quick answer, if I were you I would not go, mind yourself now, remember they didn't mind you

Thank you Roxylox they sure didn’t mind me when I was in-trusted to their care and they weren’t there for their children either so why would they want to treat their g/child any different. I would never allow my children (if I have any) go through being near them. They’ve hurt way too many.

What a dilemma!

This one is hard. When things like this happen, there are many factors to consider.

Firstly, your health comes first because you can never help them even in the future if you don't get well now. So, there is a great need to consider yourself as well especially since covid.

Secondly when a person slaps you and you slap them back, that means you are the same, simple finishing what they stated. . What I mean is that don't treat them the same way they treat you, be kinder. You might not need to go but be kind while dealing with your emotions.

Thirdly, pretending is not good but you need to forgive while trying to calm yourself down because all those emotions of rejections won't just go away bcz they have said sorry. I am a great believer of reaping what we sow. So, there is a need for them to learn what they did to you. Forgiveness doesn't cancel punishment but doesn't mean don't show love as well. So, you need to consider all of that in making your decision bcz at the end of the day, we are here to give different perspectives but you know what will work for you.

It sure is a dilemma.

Thank you for your reply Zoom12345.

So much to think of but know your reply (like all the others here) have shown me I’ve a lot of thinking and prioritising to do.

Hello, like you I had a questionable upbringing I was brought up at home although I was looked after by a Surrogate family my Parents brought up two siblings and my Mother seemed like a Man Hater and this spread to my Sisters.My Father was brow beaten and that made matters worse. My two sisters last I heard was still alive, and both my Parents are dead. I am now seventy and I walked away from all toxic, at about sixty five.

If family is toxic, walk away, You have an excuse now because of the Virus and just let them stew, You need your own life and I gather you also must be getting on a bit like me. I moved away and now I have no mixing with all family and relatives as my family are Narcs , and thieves

You need a positive life and as we all get older we take longer to make changes,

Be strong and make those positive changes to enjoy the remaining time in this crazy world, you deserve that, ENJOY, MOVE ON


Thank you for your reply Bob. No matter the turned away from it all and must have been hard. Must have taken a lot to do that.

Can’t help but feel sad about this whole thing with my g/parents.

It’s hard to see how the toxic people/narcs see things. So different. They sure have no issue with telling people all what they don’t like about them and put them down.

Life is how we make it, not what other people think, You follow your own dreams and they need to follow their own. Not yours. Move on and enjoy your life the way you feel fit


You may also like...