I’m not gonna just give up

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Hi all.

Well isn’t life a strange oddity.

One and a half months ago I lost my home,my wife and my step kids.i was with her and the kids for eight years.married 5 years this April.the day just came and went with out even a thought of what a magical day it was back then.

Any way,so I’ve been made homeless because my wife decided to text the landlord who incidentally is a personal friend.i can’t remember what she said but the landlords reply was kick him out,if you need help just call me.now I have nothing against ppl with lots of money because they have got a good payout and in a wheel chair because of a car accident.incidentally he still drives like cxxxt up a small road that has a primary school along side.

He is what I would call some one,new money,not earnt just given to him.

He shouts his mouth of boasts about all sorts of crap.

I was even told by a friend that she over heard this guy on his phone in a shop being loud taking to some one saying I was moving out.

Bit of a shock when I had not even been chucked out then.

Any way there was a section 21 served on the house (you have two months to leave the property)but here comes the sting in the tale.

My wife can stay as long as I move out.

If I refuse to leave she also gets to leave.

Wow talk about being set up.

Just to let you all know.im not to happy living in emergency accommodation in a double room out of plastic bags with a fridge and a microwave but the land lord and land lady are nice.

It’s better than a cardboard box and I am for ever grateful that I’ve a roof over my head.

I am happy though that I was pushed out of my family home which was more toxic than nuclear waste lol.

I’m of my anti depressants.i don’t feel down.i feel content and I don’t feel lonely which I battled with for 30 yrs until I Learnt to love my self and be ok with my own space😌.

You see I’m 50 this year and I can tell you there is no way I’m going to be a divorced miserable fxck that grows old fat and wonders why life has past me so rapidly.

I’ve adult adhd,I was diagnosed at 40 which was a real help as this was the final piece to that puzzle and I could move forward and make sense of all the weird and wonderful things I had done in my life.

Since then I’ve been diagnosed with somet new every year just to add to the mix.

Lqt syndrome(erratic heart beat)just drop down dead.

Just had a new hip after asking two years ago

Due an ankle op this year

Due eye laser surgery this year

I fractured my spine when I was 18,misdiagnosed so many times.

Ulcerative colitis

Ibs

Paranoid personality disorder

Mixed anxiety/depressive disorder

Chronic vertigo

Chronic tinnitus

Loss of half my hearing in my left ear

Benign type tumour on my brain

Went for the snip and lost my testicles as they

Weren’t working properly and there was an increase in cancer

Three cancer scares

But do you know what I’ve not worked for 2 yrs since a car accident buggered up my hip and twisted my pelvis.

I keep going though like a bloody washing machine

This may seem like a droning old fool but I’m just tying to give some insite and a little hope for ppl that life can be done it can be fruitful.

So I’ve lost everything,I’m at the bottom of the pecking order.but who cares ?

Isn’t life for the taking

So I’m not obese but do you know what

Ive lost 14 lbs in a month.what made me happy was that yer ok I lost some weight every day but I achieved a part of a goal and in the circumstances I’ve found my self in.

Tomorrow I’m phoning up a Charity I’ve found just around the corner for some free counciling.

I’m also going to volunteer to man the switch board fir them for two hrs a day.

You see I’ve been through probably more trauma than the average person.had to balance double or triple what the average person has to balance in life.

I wanted to go to uni and study to be a psychologist but my vertigo let me down badly and also my colitis.not acceptable to go to the toilet every ten minutes.yup I managed 17 times a day for a year before the so called specialist actually took me seriously,not that he does now but hey.

So I’ve been looking at open university.that way I can still do my course from my bed if need be.

The councillors I’m going to speak to tomorrow also take volunteer councillors and could possibly point me in the direction of my new adventure.

Yup heard that before,oh I love helping ppl sane old saying.well I’ve learnt a lot about just about every eventuality trauma that I do believe I’m in a brilliant position to now help back and get properly trained.

So I didn’t know what I was gonna write tonight

Not been on here for ages and certainly don’t look for sympathy or sorrow.

So I hope you enjoyed the read I hope it made sense and I hope it may have helped a few ppl look at life in a more positive way

Night all

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Hi thanks indie for your kinda positive words.

I suppose I could call my adhd a blessing when I have all its power harnessed which quit a lot of the time.this gives me the ability to fight and power on like a bull doser.

I think I’ve accomplished my stuff pretty well,procrastinating,self belief,self doubt,never quitting the first time I fail etc etc.

This has helped me see the other side of what I can accomplish.

Yer I’m up and down like a bloody yo yo but that’s adhd and all that comes with it.

I would just like to be chilled me again which is going to take work but then what isn’t hard work not worth having

[shoppaholicsue]

Hi fidgity,

Well you've certainly been through the mill, haven't you! I love your really positive outlook. It sounds like you would do great manning that switchboard. Hearing your positivity is just the thing the callers will need.

Someone with your outlook won't be down for long! I wish you much luck and love.

Sue

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to shoppaholicsue]

Yer manning a switch board would be great fun.

Using a different accent for each new person that calls.

Even wear a women’s wig and go far out.

Oh that’s just my warped sense of humour or my adhd but then see how one can use the power of adhd to push to new limits.

As they say.the sky is the limit.i would like to reach space one day !!

[shoppaholicsue in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

That would be so good!

[Hidden in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

Warped sense of humor is good..keeps people listening n guessing what ur gonna,say next lol

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Well,I’ve actually been stumbled for words to answer that one.they do say that silence is golden if nothing to say.my god it’s all happened today but you know what.why should ppl have to listen to my crap when it ain’t half as bad as some other poor sod.

Na not feeling sorry for my self but if I did start typing then I could possibly say my phone may actually catch fire 🔥 or my screen may melt and slide of the edge on to the floor as I do type or have to type exceedingly quickly to keep up with my brain.

Well actually it kinda comes from the heart and bye passes the brain as I don’t need or have to think what I actually put and ironically my words come out pitch perfect most of the time.well they do to me,weather that’s the case for ppl on here reading what I put.and STOP

This is me typing not a lot and even though this jargon doesn’t mean to much today it does have a nice effect of letting go.venting in another form lol.

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

Sorry.i do think I’ve just had a little matter with my self there,oh christ what’s going on ah help.its only joking lol

[Hidden in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

I think u will find people here have a great sense of humor n huge hearts.We r all here to help one another n be the ear to listen or shoulder to cry on.

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Thanks hippo for reenforcing my trust in ppl.ive had a bruiser of a day today.ive had a good cry on the beach and I’m so tired of all these games my wife and her children are playing on my mental health

[Hidden in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

Sometimes we need a good cry.Plus we also have to be good to ourselves n work on ourselves sometimes to make whats around us make more sense and easier to deal with simce sometimes life dishes us out some doosies daily.

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Hi sue

Well that’s only about 10% of the mill I’ve been through but I don’t like to drone on about it you know.

I’m trying to move forward and forget the dreadful past.its not easy and I know I need to think differently and change my thinking a little.just need a little re programming that’s all and I’ll be on my way.

I always leave a few notches to leave my self room just in case I need to move another mountain for my self or some one you know.

[Hidden]

Ive myself have been through similiar hard times,things,tons of health issues in life as u.Honestly..for me..yeah it all sucked n sometimes still does BUT Im a heck of alot stronger than most I know.It makes us wiser AND we can help those who arent as strong as us.

Things I always say to myself..NEVER GIVE UP,IM BENT NOT BROKEN.

Best to u

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hip

I know how strong I really am.some times i just need a trauma to help bring it to the surface.

Yer it’s good to be wise and nice to help ppl also.

I like the wording”I’m bent not broken”

Thanks for your insight and kind words

[Hidden]

Wow! You have been through a lot!! I hope you don't give up. Pm me if you wanna personal chat and good luck. Getting away from toxic ppl is the best thing x

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Hi lins.

Thanks for your positive words.

I may well pm you but not tonight thanks.im bushed snd I don’t think I can actually type any more as my fingers are cramping up.x

[Hidden]

Keep a hold Fidgity

Why were you forced out ?, that sounds a bit rough

BOB

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Hey Bob

I was forced out by a social worker stating I should remove my self due to being a dangerous place for a minor to live (my wonderful very kind step son)

The police were called because the next door neighbour heard be supposedly shout I’m going to burn the house down,I was arrested put in a cell for the night,nothing came of it.im not and never have been physically violent or abusive to any one in my so called family.in fact it was my nasty step daughter of 18 who atleast physically assaulted me on more than a few occasions having an argument.

Ok I get a little loud over somet to believe truthful.ive adhd to I tend to get as I would say over passionate about a subject.i don’t know how loud I get as I’ve lost partial hearing on the left ear and from young ive always spoken pretty loud to be honest.

I’ve now found today from other sources she had actually been plotting to some how remove me months before any of this happened.why not just be honest with me instead of making my life like hell.

I even had my wife’s sister shouting at me down the phone today and texting me.she thinks she can send a clever know it all text unfortunately she is not clever where the laws of the land exist.

I was pretty shaken all day after.I was sent what looked like a formal text but wasn’t stating unless all my belongings were removed with in the month then a court order would be obtained all my belongings removed and destroyed.its just hurtful crap.

I’m so glad that after 8 yrs my wife has shown her true colours instead at retiring age.

I’m not alowed on the property not even my man cave to remove my belongings.only third parties.

I did however speak to the police this morning and have agreed it is perfectly acceptable to gain entry to man cave through garden to remove belongings as long as I call the police and thy will make sure I’m protected against any agro.

I don’t need this kind of negative influence with in my life.

Bob don’t worry I’m taking firm hold with one hand while balancing the rest with my other hand.its somet I’ve done well most of my life.some times though I just need to collect my self up and re balance my self and tighten that grip.

You know.on the way home today I found my self suddenly singing to a particular cold play song that came on in the car.i smiled and realised life could be a whole lot better.

Do you know what else I did.

I did my self some talk therapy.

I made a list in my mind as to what had happened today.

I then spoke each question out to my self loud and then answered each question out loud.

My answers where all the same

“Ptfff,nothing has knocked me over just made me wobble.its all good,I’m good,life’s good”

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Hi bob

Woo hoo,me again.

Just wanted to say.

Thx man,just for reinforcing my internal belief that I’m still holding on 😘😍

[Hidden in reply to Tiggerakafidgity]

Whatever goes on fidgity keep us informed, can give some form of support

Keep safe and Keep a Hold

BOB

[Tiggerakafidgity in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bob

I hope your well ?

Well my wife black listed my iPhone yesterday morning and that was it I just cracked.i was trying to phone the docs for some meds just to ease my body.my body basically feels like a power station,humming and shaking badly,with chronic banging weird kinda headache with my eyes feeling as though there going to pop out,my brain actually feeling as if it’s over heating.my whole body getting slower and slower slowly shutting down to a grinding halt.

This is not at all helping my ulcerative colitis.chronic bloating,anything I eat feeling as though it’s stuck causing chronic pain.my head is constantly spinning feeling sickness in my throat and my stomach.my god I feel as though I’m actually losing grip of reality.after much effort I managed to get a doc to call me back with in 15 mins.he wanted to put me on tranquillisers but I didn’t want to feel kinda ghostly.i actually was prescribed muscle relaxants which just take the edge of life as it were.

I felt so awful this morning having probably 2 hrs sleep.i know that having no sleep totally destroys ones perception on life.also it plays total havoc with my adhd.it just sends my brain totally sideways.

It’s got to be stress related.im such a kind loving giving guy and I just can’t believe my wife has become so evil.

I mean come on don’t you think it’s a little unfair her playing games with a nasty vindictive sister guiding her along when I have more than just mental health issues and problems ?

You know today I stood outside a burger shop trying to decide what I could actually eat seeing as I’m lactose and gluten intolerant.i found my self blending in to the menu board up against the window of the shop.losing all function not able to move with out any reality to what was going on around me.i didn’t know what to do I started to panic as to weather I should walk next door to Sainsbury’s to have alook at the vast choice of food I would just love to eat but cannot dare eat any of the food for making me iller.

Sorry I’m probably typing this so fast it doesn’t actually make any sense but neither has the last two days.

Christ I’ve been holding on to life with such desperation not knowing at all weather I’m just going to lose grip and disappear down a great void.

But you know what I saw a friend I worked with a few yrs ago and also went to school with.

We went for a lovely walk along the beach for a few hours.it wasn’t till a few hrs later that I actually started to feel a little less shell shocked.

An hour a go a slight smile come over my face and for half an hour my fight was back in a calm manner.

I don’t have many friends now as most of them moved up north or retired abroad.

But you know what,the three super gorgeous friends I have near me have been texting me calling me every morning with such concern and love.

If only I ever received that of my wife things could have been so much better in life.

I need a bloody good nights sleep that’s for sure.

I would like to also just thank ppls support on here also.

I know I can get through this but it just does show how fragile my mind actually is.

Right I need some sleep

Night all and sweet dreams

I will conquer life and it’s battles.

Because I can 😉😉

[Hidden]

Hello,, How are you feeling this morning

I read above and you seem to be sensitized to your body and this shows itself as you describe above

Your Doctor has suggested a pathway to follow with medications and to be honest I would suggest you follow His recommendations to at least slow down these irrational feelings that are very real to you.

I know you are having domestic problems, reading above. Do you feel it is your Anxiety and Sensitivities that have disrupted your Relationship..

I am very concerned if you do not follow your Doctors instructions, I have been taking AD medications now, on and of for fifty years and will be taking them now until death. You need however to understand there are treatments associated with talking out your problems with a Therapist that may help you move on back into the relationship you desire with your Wife.

You need to take a hold of your sensitivities and help yourself move on. The problem is if we keep attending hospital for tests, they can become more invasive therefore more risky.

Talk to your GP, you have a journey to take. Remember your doctor is in partnership with you, regards your health and Anxiety.

Keep a hold

BOB

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Hi Bob

These feelings are not of depression not in the slightest.

It’s just the circumstances that have been happening have litterely sent my body my heart and my brain side ways.

Having ulcerative colitis is also not helped by massive amounts of stress also.so at the moment my inflammatory markers are pretty high which means anything I eat is not being digested properly causing great pain and suffering and there for my body is not getting the energy and nutrients to help my body run in a normal matter.

I don’t need anti depressants as a they don’t do anything for me and b I would actually like to be in touch of some form of reality.

The way my wife has acted is disgusting in that she has taken away certain things like banning me from the property in that I cannot go to my work shop and make my wood working projects and hobbies which I’ve great benefit from which helps my adhd be creative gives me positive well being in the items and products I make for my self or to sell.

This was my way of keeping busy and focusing on more positive things I can do for my self as apposed to just sitting on my bed in emergency accommodation all day long feeling all that I shouldn’t be feeling.

I had a much better sleepless night thank you.

I am trying to live moment by moment not in the future.

This is not about where I live and living a simple life.

This is how some one can be just so darn nasty playing games sending texts trying to look formal by scaring me saying if I do that the police will be called if I don’t do this in a month a court order will he got and my belongings destroyed.ive looked it all up and it’s all very well her sister trying to lay down the law but I’ve spoken to the police and sought legal advice and all that it says in the text is null and void even down to the text which should Hebrew been written dated addressed named to etc which it has not.

It’s just scare mongery and unfortunately this has with all the other things that have been said has unfortunately toppled me over.

I suspect if I had absolutely no mental health issues and also absolutely no physical issues I would have been able to deal with this in a more reasonable manner.

I didn’t want tranquillisers as again I would like to be in touch with the little reality I have left.

My body is very much suffering and it in even greater pain than before so this is why I asked for muscle relaxant meds as this helps with the pain and also relaxes me enough just to be slightly spaced out.

Regarding my marriage.

Well I would actually like a wife who talks about her feelings teaches her children right and wrong.

Who doesn’t blow £850 a month of housing benefit for me to sell my car and all my belongings three times over so we don’t lose the roof Over our heads.

She seems to think that as it’s in her name she can spend how she sees fit.i don’t call that a marriage.

I don’t also call a marriage when her 18 yr old daughter decides to try control our marriage by trying to make things difficult to push me out.i don’t find it very helpful when I ask my step daughter to help around the house and she calls me nasty names then sees it ok to actually punch me in the head many times and not actually be told it’s wrong by her mother.

I told my wife if you don’t tell your kids right and wrong and punish them for being naughty then our marriage we’ll end in 8 yrs time.

Since her last divorce the kids saw actions by there dad that they should have never seen.since then she has wrapped her kids in cotton wool.she asked me once am I to soft on the kids.i said yes.

She wanted her kids to like her which is why she never told them of.

Is it exceptable when the daughter is naughty to take her phone away at the age of 15 and go lock the phone in the car to then have her go start kicking the car punching the car then punching me my wife and a minor then go punch a door and break her fingers.

It had got to the point where every thing was my fault and I was blamed for every little thing in the house.

All I’ve ever been is supportive all the time and loved my family unconditionally.

I’ve taken them to see councillors,teachers had one to one with teachers sorted out the bullying.

My wife relies on other ppl that don’t know her and the other side of the story to say how much of a great person etc that she is.

Any way that’s just part of it

Must go have shower as have nice busy day.

Thanks for the concern bob

It’s much appreciated

[Hidden]

I have replied to you fidgity. I'm just wondering where you are going for counselling as I'm looking for some. I think better.com was mentioned on here. Please correct me if I've gotten the name wrong?

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Hi lins

I can’t see anything in messages.

I’m not gonna do online counselling I’m doing face to face when it opens.i find face to face more beneficial to be honest though I did have the mental health nurse call me today for a while.was ok to talk but I need somet a lot deeper to stretch my mind to outer space and beyond