Returning to work....

[Kaytee1981]

So I've been off work sick for almost exactly one year. I was signed off with depression, work was never an issue. During that year a load of stuff has happened 2 hospitalizations, numerous suicide attempts, ketamine infusions, tms treatment, crisis houses etc etc...

Well I'm not allowed to go back to my original role, occupational health havent signed me off as fit/safe to do the role I'm trained for. So it's been a long process but I'm starting a new role in the same area tomorrow, it's a significant pay cut.

Anyway I'm so scared no one seems to get it, my husband has gone out drinking tonight with his work colleagues and doesnt think he'll be home. I don't have friends and cant talk to the kids lol! Its gonna be horrible seeing people I used to work with and having to explain why I'm in a different role and where I've been for a year. Oh and then there is my horrendous scars on my arms - I can't cover them as i need to be bear below the elbows.

I can feel my anxiety building, I already an struggling again with suicidal thoughts which are very similar to the first suicide attempt. I feel on the verge of crying but nothing will come out I'm scared that itll spill out tomorrow at work with new people and I'll just prove I'm not up to working- and working was what I held onto for such along time.

In the absence of other coping mechanisms at the moment I think I'm gonna have to resort to self harm as the best option- I feel so sick and shaky 🙁

*** so I went in today only 3hrs, it was very overwhelming and in some respects didnt feel real - I walked out thinking did that really happen? The lady that I worked with had no recollection of me in my previous role (I hadn't worked with her before anyway) and people I came across just treated me as a new staff member, itll be different when I get properly trained. I'm struggling now I'm home, I'm exhausted but I expect that, but I feel very low and I cant explain to myself why.

I'll go back tomorrow and see how i get on. Thanks for all your comments it's most appreciated 🙂

[Skye001]

You know self harming doesn't really achieve anything, maybe in the short term. I can relate to feeling sickly and shaking. All I can suggest is, give work a go and tell yourself one day at a time, The people who know you I'm sure will be kind and the New ones, once they get to know you will also be nice. Tell yourself your going back on trial period and if it is too much maybe your not quite ready yet to return to work. It's a pity hubby had to go out this evening, but if I were you ,get yourself an early night and see what tomorrow brings. This probably doesn't make you feel ANY better but give it a go and I hope it go's better than you think. Best of luck xx

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Skye001]

Thank you for replying....in my head I know exactly what your saying about everything...its just so hard to believe it deep down.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Why do you explain yourself to anyone? They don’t know you; I mean really know you.

Your issues are no different then when I left for brain surgery. You left for health reasons. Me too.

Do you have a red sharpie? Do you have a hair pin. These work well to release anxiety without leaving marks. What do you tell your kids?

I’ve had what they call suicidal ideations all my 56 years. They’re thoughts. I don’t call then that. I call them escapism. You don’t have to act on them.

allthatsinteresting.com/cal...

This isn’t my favorite article but your need to self harm is being placed in this category by many psyches.

Ask hubs why drinking with his friends and leaving you with the kids represented good decision making skills.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I guess you right - I can tell who I want what I want it's hard working out the gossips and the nosey ones.

I've tried those 'techniques' and the ice cubes but they just dont cut it (excuse the pun). My kids just know mummy was sad and delt with it badly. I was in hospital when I got the worst scars.

Interesting way of looking at suicidal idealism, never thought of it like that - I will look at the article. But for me currently it's very real and I'm balancing on a tight rope.

My husband is an idiot - well we are in a difficult situation at the minute, we need to go to marriage counselling but due to my mental health it's not been possible as yet. I get the impression his bored of my depression and trying to support me.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Kaytee1981]

I’m proud of you for helping your kids understand it had nothing to do with them. You know as kids we make it all about ourselves. I self harm differently. I overwork. I under eat. I piss off everyone around me for isolation. I’ll walk until I can’t breathe well.

Can you walk and walk and walk until your brain chemistry changes? You don’t want to run. It only puts the wrong chemicals in your brain.

You are worthy. The past can be the past. You’re doing you’re best and that’s why you’re loved. 💛

[Kaytee1981]

I've phoned helplines before and dont find them that helpful.

I should practice meditation more and perhaps I'll be better at it

[Dolphin14]

If people ask and you feel the need to say something. My therapist taught me this.

I don't want the stress anymore so made a change. How have you been?

Brief line of explanation and turn conversation to them. People love talking about themselves.

I left a high stressed position that I was very good at. I worked in a hospital in a very acute area.

I work in a Md office and I'm way over qualified for my job. But, it's no stress, easy job, less responsibility. That's what these people know. I don't care what they think.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.

[Hidden]

In my case I was in the same sort of position, they wanted to drop me down from an engineer to a cleaner, that was it I was pensioned out, they wanted me out and knew the work they wanted me to do was well below my abilities. It would have caused problems throughout the Office, and the work offered was manual and that was my problem

You need to ask yourself what your needs are and work out your needs from there

BOB

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Hidden]

I'm struggling to know what I need - I've got so many decisions to make (well that's how it feels) it's just overwhelming- you'd of thought a year would give you plenty of time to think

[Hidden in reply to Kaytee1981]

You may have some decisions to make, will this employer give you back your old job back if you start to improve, or are they just using you. ?

One of the main things they try out on employee is reduce pay and offer a reduction like in your case, They try and see how you will jump, and if over time they will get you to work back over your Grade, without paying you the correct rate. However it may be they prefer you had not returned as your old job had been taken by someone else. I was in a way lucky, they eventually paid my Pension. You could here the clatter as my future hit the rocks

BOB

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Hidden]

I work for the health service my old job will always need staff. I'm not naive to think that my employer has my best interests at heart, but for now I need a wage coming in - however rubbish that is, and I 'think' I need the routine, although how I'm feeling tonight I'm not sure. I'm gonna keep a close eye on

what I'm asked to do as its already been suggested that my skills in my previous role could be utilized. I've got a union rep who's been accompanying me to meetings so will make the most of my membership fees!

I just find it shocking that in this day and age large organisations still dont understand or are I'll equipped to deal with employees with mental health problems especially those on the severe side.

[Hidden]

they were forced to Pension me. My Union was a waste of time. I was going through Boards where I was not allowed to represent myself, in fact I was not allowed in the room. The three posts suggested where not any good, even their Doctor was annoyed what they were doing. My GP and theirs eventually pushed them to Pension me and that was it. I was kicked out on New Years Day. Never worked since, all Voluntary Work. The only thing it has cost them

BOB

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Hidden]

I hate how big companies/organisations treat people it's so unfair and they dont realise the impact it has.

Hope your managing- volunteering is so worth while

[Hidden in reply to Kaytee1981]

I have pulled back on some places as I am getting older now, although still active, in various places

BOB

[Hidden]

I know exactly what you mean by calming yourself with the self harm. I haven't been as severe as yourself but have been on the verge more times than I care to think about. I know there's nothing really anyone can say to suddenly make you happy or forget about everything, but I think the most important thing for you to remember is that you are not alone. No matter how awful a situation is, you have always managed to come out stronger on the other end. Going back to work will definitely help focus your mind on something else, and with time, you will look back on your scars and not see how you felt, but see how you feel now and how you pulled yourself through that. I don't pretend to be an expert, this is based purely on experience. I still have my down days and sometimes still go through months of feeling like I want to die, but I know every time, I will come out stronger. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself. Best of Luck! x

[Afrohair]

I don’t want to be awful but that picture is disturbing and your not someone who should be working like this if anyone found out you were self harming it could impact on your job

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Afrohair]

I dont know what to reply to you comment- I want to ignore it but you've upset me. Please be more considerate of what your saying.

[Afrohair in reply to Kaytee1981]

I’m sorry I’ve upset you but you brought up some horrible memories for me too about my best friend who tried to commit suicide at school you should have thought about that picture aswell

[Mia51 in reply to Kaytee1981]

Please don’t listen to people who are insensitive,I’ve just come upon your posts and my heart goes out to you.If there was anything I could do to help you I would.Youre doing well going back to work after the last year you’ve had.xx

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Mia51]

Thank you - having a hard night tonight, had today off and back tomorrow not sure the day off helped!

[Mia51]

What’s wrong tonight,how are you feeling.?