Hi All,
Am fresh new to this site, thank you for having me, and to anyone who is reading this..I try and keep it brief so am not producing an essay. Lol
I lost control today, I am finding I am so many different people which is naturally exhausting. I have always struggled with low mood, well not always, but for a long time I feel down in mood, I get that “and what next” feeling after any achievement I make. On paper I live a good life, if you classify materials as living the good life (I don’t) I just ain’t seemed to be able to shift the depressive mood today, I’ve screamed at my children and man, I kinda knew me feeling to happy these past days was bound to end. I have issues committing to anything, jobs come and go, i appear upbeat and the right fit for most jobs, but lasting for over 12months has happened in one job, and even then I struggled, that was only 2 a week, term time only.
Am trying to do everything but end up doing nothing, says turn in to weeks, weeks to years. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything but have become my own Physcologist, and I feel I have personality disorder, bipolar and depression, oh and PTSD following on from DV I suffered, well survived.
I have two children I have raised singled handed, with zero help or support from my family which used to hurt but with an 18yr time line I have gotten over it.
I have 3 new job opportunity but I am worried I will mess up and not commit. I’ve added a pile of weights as well, I feel mentally and emotionally slow and bored of life. Both my children have autism, the man am with doesn’t get to give me space and can somehow be suffocating, I don’t want a relationship with him but have no choice as he won’t move on or accept my request, his draining to the core, i end up crying after just being in a room with him, his in denial and blame, he is unemployed, needy, clingy and has some form of mental health disorder.
Guys, am sorry for rambling on, it was supposed to be short, but I hate me right now. If we all die anyway what’s the point............
I’ve suffered DV 3x
Robed at knife point
Abortions
Rape
Held a knife to my throat by ex.
Beaten to near death
I am generally happy, mediation has been helping me but at the same time bringing up events like the above. Both my heartbeats have autism.