Could my ex have Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Mrwobblytickle]

Hey all,

Sorry this is a lot but I will try and keep it as brief as I can.

I met this girl online last year and she told me she was bi. We got into a relationship that lasted 2 months. She was living with her ex GF at the time. I remember at the time she was cutting herself and depressed. She was very sexual with me and sent me lots of naked pictures. I didn’t ask for them. She ended things with me saying she was gay. I accepted and we went our separate ways.

That was August 2018. We don’t start talking properly again until February 2019.

She messaged me out the blue asking how I was and we started chatting on Whatsapp. We arranged to meet up but she went quite at the last minute. We picked up speaking again a few days later. She then invited me out with her and her friends. She flirted with me that night and wanted to kiss me. Her sister told her not to saying “wait until you know what you want.” She then told me she was Pansexual and wanted to hang out more.

We hung out and we talked about what happened after we split. She said she had been cutting herself and on anti depressants. Suicidal thoughts too. She said she was in a better place and it was a mistake to let me go. We agreed to take things slow and work towards a relationship. She did say however she would be talking about women a lot and appreciating them. Sure enough the whole time always talking about women. Never really guys. She is also obsessed with K-pop and fancies a lot of the women.

We were constantly talking from February to early May. Phoning me after work and saying she loved me. The naked pictures happened again. She came to my place and made out with me. I helped her move out in late April. It went well and she was grateful. The following weekend I stayed over at her place. We went out for a meal and she took a picture of me and captioned it “Date Night” she then was pleased her ex GF had seen it.

We started having sex again. She had expressed it had to be rough with no talking. So there was choking, scratching, biting, hair pulling etc. She wanted me to tie her to the bed too. Anyway that weekend went well. I left on the Monday. Tuesday the norm. Texts and a phone call. Wednesday things go bad.

She goes quieter than normal. Replies but something is off. I get a message saying we need to have a serious talk. She says she woke up and I was touching her. I explained I woke up feeling horny and just wanted to initiate intimacy. I was gentle and it was only for a few minutes. When I got no reaction I stopped. She never told me to stop or brought it up until days later. She said I had gone too far and she doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me anymore. Says no to me asking for a second chance.

We speak 4 days later and she says her goodbyes and says I took advantage of her. I feel awful. I sunk into a deep depression. I managed to arrange a face to face meeting. She said what I had done was the absolute worst thing. She had rather I cheated. She said she didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone at the moment. We said we would take a break from one another and reach out in the future.

Week goes by and we see each other on the dating app Plenty of Fish. She then blocks me on Whatsapp. I text her saying she is an awful person and a liar and i’m done and goodbye. Bit of back and forth and she lies saying she was closing a subscription when it was a new account. Then pshe starts apologising for everything and saying she doesn’t deserve me. We talk on the phone and make amends over what happened. She was very upset during the call and cried a few times. Admitted she runs when something upsets her instead of talking. We agree to give things another go. She did mention however she had told all her friends and family and they weren’t happy with me. She made me look really bad.

I go see her June 2nd. We agree we’re back together. Set boundaries and agree we both want long term. Back to normal. Phone calls. Love you etc see her the following weekend. Back to having sex and she is very sexual with me that weekend. Following weekend she goes all quiet and weird on me again while I am over. Sat her down to talk. She tells me she is gay and just wants women. Said she wants me as her male best friend and wants me in her life. She goes off on holiday the next day.

We stay in contact and hang out the last weekend of June. One final talk about it all. She said her dad is opposed to her sexuality and now she has moved out she can do what she likes. She says everything is her fault and I did nothing wrong. She said I have been amazing and the next girl will be very lucky to have me. We have stayed in contact since then. I have to initiate conversation but she does get back to me and we get on well. So we are on good terms and have said we’re friends. I think she is talking to someone new. She is on her phone a lot and when I saw her last she was talking a lot to another girl whose name I did not recognise.

I am starting to wonder now however if she has BPD. I think she may have PCOS because she has hirsutism (dark hair on her chin, breasts, stomach, buttocks and legs). Which would potentially mean she has high testosterone.

The reason I think she may have BPD is that her relationships seem to be on and off. She was with a girl for 4 years before me but she said that was on and off. Me and her are on and off. She saw a girl after she dumped me the first time and that lasted a month or so she said. She can also be child like in her interactions. She wanted to pinky swear with me when we broke up the last time that we would remain friends. She was giggling while we were breaking up as well and seemed very happy after we agrees just friends. She has a lot of cuddly toys in her bed. She also goes all quiet and shy if something is wrong. She seemed to value me a lot and then just chucked me away out of nowhere over text. When I tried to say goodbye she went all apologetic and that made me feel bad. She also said she slept around after breaking up with her ex the second time. They broke up 3 or 4 times. She is also terrible with her money and always in the minus. Also the cutting herself and suicidal thoughts. She once told me if she didn’t have her drawing she would be cutting herself instead. Said she would be dead if it wasn’t for her friends.

Sorry this is so much to read. People have said I should walk away and block her out completely but I feel bad for her. Plus we get on like a house on fire. Just going forwards i’m not sure how to conduct this friendship. I’m thinking we should take some time apart and see how we are in a few months.

[Hidden]

She seems ill and does not seem what She wants from Her Life. Looking at attitude and confusion she has when with people, it would be wrong for me to suggest what her mental health condition is, if you are serious about this person you need to understand and consider what you want out of this relationship. To be honest, I went out with someone very similar who ended back on ward, with ECT and we broke up. The situation became complex and it was one big confused battle between illness, past experiences and future needs.

Personally I feel you need to consider your needs now and move on, the confusions She suffers from need to be approached professionally and that could distract your future and the needs you may expect in life. This woman is not really ready for a relationship and even just having a casual relationship will be one big headache.

However only you can decide what you want, you know both your ages and the family dynamic of Her family members, they will be trying to PROTECT Her, possibly.

You could suggest you attend here mental health appointment, given that you are serious about the person although I would not hold your Breath.

It may be you may feel you need to move on the situation is complex and do you need that hassel

BOB

[Stilltrying_]

Well that was quite a read! If you want my honest opinion what you describe does sound like BPD traits; but whether she is or whether she isn't ( we can't really diagnose on here) will knowing or thinking that make any difference to what you decide to do about this?

I am not sure. What could be getting in the way is your sympathy for her which I feel is overated (if again you want my honest opinion just from the way you have described it.) I am not denying she has problems and no doubt exhibits those problems to you in a compelling way, but you do not need to take these on as your responsibility as they are not your responsibility they are hers and you have nothing to make up to her as it seems like her who has given you the runaround constantly.

It also sounds like she has made you feel "guilty" but you have also stated quite clearly where you were coming from in your actions and there doesn't seem to me to be anything for you to feel guilty about. You sound like a very nice and caring person, which is admirable but can also make you vulnerable to being manipulated by these magnetic dramatic type of personalities.

I understand that the pull of people like this can be very intense when you are younger. It sounds like she is a very vibrant and expressive person and probably great fun at many times not to mention the great sex (at times) when in a " relationship" "relationship" ( I know at the moment you are friends only)

She sounds more than able to engage people in her life and for that reason you may find that according to what or who she wants at any given time you may be "in" or "out" in her life. I also think it's possible that she could decide to drop you as a friend completely if she had something else going on.

I wonder whether if you were in trouble whether she would reciprocate as you are so eager to do for her ? Something to consider. Obviously I don't know her but you need to ask yourself that question.

Proceed with caution would be my best advice and look after your own needs. I don't think this situation would ever be stable but if you are prepared to live with that until sometimes finally turns it one way or the other then I can understand that but a break sounds like a good idea if you want a quieter more normal life .

Hope this has helped.