Partner troubles

[PaulaClaudie]

My partner is constantly analysing me and telling me that I'm going to cheat on him because I'm not honest with myself and that I can't let go of feeling guilty for previously cheating on an ex. He says he has seen this happen before in others.

I'm pretty offended because one, I don't believe I would cheat every situation is different and I like to think I've learned from my mistakes and two, I'm pretty sure if I said these things to him, he would go mad.

I feel like sometimes it's complete double standards.

I feel like he puts me down a lot and he says things like "oh poor you" when in trying to Express myself.

He tells me I'm not open with him or myself but I feel very honest with myself. I sometimes can't be honest with him because he gets mad or defensive.

He told me I was jealous the other day because I told him I didn't like one of his girl friends because she was very immature (she smacked his bum in my house, had him drag her along the floor and drove home while intoxicated...to name a few). I honestly don't know what to think.

[Hidden]

You have decisions to make here, the attitude he suffers seems to be related to your past and this is causing you problems because you are allowing and given Him permission to do it. It would seem He is questioning your past and your cheating with one partner and the guilt you feel and His doubts will spread throughout any future relationship

To be honest His attitude will not change, you need to consider the ex girlfriend and she giving Him a spanking.Consider your needs and what your needs are. No one here can say what is right or wrong. Only you have that decision to make. Talking and acting on past actions can or may cause problems if you decide to settle.

One problem you may also find, these problems may grow legs and the game will continue and begin to rule the relationship.

You need to talk, stop playing these games or move on

BOB

[hypercat54]

Hi I think he is trying to control you and put onto you things he is afraid he will do himself. This is quite common but without trust I can't see you having a healthy relationship together to be honest.

Do you think he could be a narcissist? They try and control others. x

[PaulaClaudie in reply to hypercat54]

I actually have thought about that. It's so hard to explain all aspects of the relationship in just one post. Sometimes I don't know if I'm the one that is in the wrong or if he is. I think of myself as quite mature and all this is so petty. I try to tell him how I'm feeling but am just met with anger and criticism. He says that I act like I'm perfect which I don't think I do, I have many many flaws and he seems to want to bring attention to them to help me "be the real me" and be free from society's grasps. He is quite contradictory to. One minute we are both talking about our future and then the next minute he tells me I'm hung up on the concept of "forever" in a relationship...so confused...I don't know how to act or how to address how I feel with him

[hypercat54 in reply to PaulaClaudie]

Hi have a look at the link about how to spot a narcissist - it might be useful. x

quickanddirtytips.com/healt...

[Hidden]

Hi to be honest! Yes it is hard but you need to be firm with yourself and say you see that door over there open and walk out and be sure to close it behind you and don't look back!

Hes playing you double standards as said by others here.

If you don't your looking at a long! lonely life of playing to his tune and only his.

Don't let yourself become one of the down trodden types.

Be strong and just move on up and out of this "relationship" before it's gets to the point of too late as once Children get involved it becomes more messy.

Hes the immature type trying to project his dysfunctions onto you.

If you can't see where we are coming from? sit down with a cup of tea and re read this post you have written a few times then take each section read one then stop and think before moving to next one!

Ask yourself about each one and what it means and effects you!.

Because it is only you that can decide what/how/where it's going not us we can only guide you.

Reason i say is if his only answer is "Poor you" hes not with you as an understanding partner.

The "Floozie" smacking his bum only becomes not such an issue if they are more like a sister/friend than a potential threat to your relationship.

But driving her home intoxicated is pure stupidity! did you go with them?

If not was it more than a drive home?.

At my age! eeek ive seen so many things come and go with relationships with others from start to finish.

Gee what happened i was only in school last week lol 57 now!.

Guess joys of Autism/Asperger's? we see things far quicker than others.

But friend turned up one day with a Floozie(was) i didn't like her bad vibes etc then flick her cigarette butt on floor outside on landing not something you do when visiting!

Anyway there was a wedding 2 kids! then she was playing away/home? with some older man then they split up.

Maybe i should have taken him to one side? it does keep me thinking!.

But i could see a wrong'un as they say just gave me bad vibes from time first met.

But in the end only you can make that choice/decision but once the rot sets in it will always start to undermine things and if hes questioning you all the time it will undermine you and your confidence which will destroy you as a person.

All the best

[PaulaClaudie in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. This really does help. The issue with his friend is not just the bum slapping. She is messed up and insecure and I just get bad vibes from her. I do trust him and I know there is nothing going on. Her boyfriend was there and he is a little strange too. I just didn't like to be disrespected in my own home. My partner did acknowledge the issue and he did say he didn't like it but I feel like some of the people he surrounds himself with are toxic. He tries to help them and see "the best" in them but ultimately I think he just likes giving advice to people...I don't know if its forself satisfaction or what.

She drove her and her boyfriend drove home while intoxicated and I was very tempted to call the police. I told my partner that it was very irresponsible and that I didn't like it but all I get is that I'm jealous...it can't be that the girl is a complete moron.

You are all right, I need to evaluate how healthy this behaviour is and make a decision to better my life.

Thank you again.

[chbale]

Hi PaulaClaudie,

I really don't like to sum up your problems in a few words but he is displaying classic controlling behaviour. I've seen it many times before with my friends and family.

You won't change him - if anything it will get worse. The problem isn't your's it's his. I know these things have been said in previous replies.

You need to make a decision as to whether or not you can cope with what's going on - it won't change - or do you walk away and move on. You know your own feelings better than anybody else and you're the only person that can make that decision.

I don't know where in the world you are but if you're in UK google MIND or Relate - they have helplines that can help you much more than I could.

It does seem to me that by coming here (which is exactly the right thing to do) is that you would like to be told what to do rather than decide for yourself. Without being too harsh you have to do that for yourself - maybe with professional help.

[Sunsette1]

I have just left a relationship like this as it has caused me a great deal of damage. It is not a healthy relationship, it is actually classed as psychological abuse and is illegal. The police became involved with me because I fled the home and he acted erratically. I was only with him 18 months but the effect on my mental health has been horrendous. I am a kind and generous person but I am now a shell of my former self. I’m on antidepressants and signed off work with anxiety and depression because I cannot comprehend how I have been treated by someone who supposedly loved me.

I urge you to think about whether you want that kind of behaviour towards you for the rest of your life, it will only get worse as the days and months go on. You are worth more than that.

There are lots of support for leaving relationships that are abusive, such as Women’s Aid and the Dawn Project. Have a chat with them anonymously if you feel this may be something you want to think about. You need to do what’s best for you and for anyone else directly involved (such as children).

Good luck to you. I hope he sorts himself out, but unfortunately his behaviour is unlikely to change.