Time has flown by. Everyone has progressed. I'm just here... standing still #depression Trigger Warning

[BlackHole89]

I don't really know where to start. I have so much I want to say and its a case of trying to explain what is going on in my mind. Every day I have the same conversation with myself. I go through everything from when it first started all the way through to present day. I go over and over and over in my mind why things went wrong for me. I am able to see exactly where I went wrong and for what reason but then it gets too much for me to constantly think about my life and I cannot cope. I am always by myself so I'll most likely be in my bedroom and I will cry by myself. All I see is darkness; the black hole through which I am falling and have been for nearly 10 years. I don't know how to cope anymore. I tried to hang myself at university because it felt like my only way out. Thankfully I didn't go through with it but I easily could have. Every time I am at my lowest ebb I think about killing myself. I think of ways I can do it. Most of the time it's in a car crash as I drive a lot. I think why don't I just take this bend a little faster and it'll all be over soon. Sometimes I think about taking a lot of pills. But then the thing that stops me from doing it is the shame that I would bring upon my family. How much it would break my parents who are now around 70. I think about the impact it would have on my siblings. My older brother is partial cause of my depression because of his struggles with alcoholism and his behaviour towards me and the rest of the family. I have never taken antidepressants but I am going to see my GP to see if I can be prescribed something that will help.

[Satsuma]

I see this is your first post so Welcome aboard .. It certainly sounds to me that you are in a constant state of rumination .. Going over everything from your past daily does not help, it has you locked into constant repetition of going over and over .. Doing this keeps one locked down and prevents you from moving forward .. You mentioned you spend a lot of time alone in your bedroom .. May I ask how old you are and who you live with ? I am pleased you have not ended your life and you are still here .. There is a way out and the light you will soon see and you will get out of the black hole .. I must add that there is simply no point in going over the past .. The past is just that, the past , it has been and gone .. What's happened has and nothing or noone can change that .. The future I may add has not arrived so all there is left is the present .. The here and now for this is all we have .. By rumination you are not living in the moment .. Such a shame as life is passing you by .. Are there any hobbies that you can do to help distract you ? Maybe you could join some clubs to get you out of your bedroom and mixing with people .. There is also a lot of websites you can look at about Mindfulness .. They will help get you in the habit of living in the moment .. Also I must mention Meditation which is most healing on many levels .. There are many to be found online also .. It does not matter if you have not done it before as there are beginners ones out there .. I hope I have given you some food for thought for now

[Hidden]

Talk to your GP if you are so unsettled. However I do feel that you need to concern yourself on your own health than that of your Brother if drink is the only problem, the only problem you and your siblings may have is His Attitude to you and family, that can be very problematic and that needs to be taken into consideration.

My problem with family was sibling rivalry and if this is the case that problem will need to be helped.

You do not explain the problems you have or the age or dynamics of the family that makes your life outlook so negative.

Explain your concerns with your GP and see what is advised. When push comes to shove do you need to converse or interact with your Brother when He is under the weather are are there other associated problems you have not explained.

BOB

[MAS_Nurse]

High BlackHole89, and welcome to this caring forum. Both Satsuma and borderriever haven given some helpful and supportive replies. Please discuss how you are feeling with your GP who will be able to help and support you. Do have a look at the pinned posts on the screen. How are you feeling now? We care about you on this community and our members will try and support you as much as we can. Please remember that you are not alone. In the meantime, if you are feeling distressed and are in the UK, please call--

The Samaritans

Freephone 116 123

24 hour helpline

7 days a week. They provide a listening ear.

Also, if you live outside of the UK and are distressed, please have a look at the Crisis Support Helplines on the pinned post section of the screen. Please stay on this caring forum so you can receive help and support from other members. Thank you and best wishes.