i don't know how to even go on anymore

[idontknowanymore001]

Hi, I guess.

No idea what compelled me to do this but I felt like I needed to.

I'm sixteen, male and in the middle of my GCSE's.

I'm tired. Tired of everything, of life, of having to wake up on a morning to go on with a day where I'm not myself, where I'm what's expected of me to be and it hurts that nobody sees this. Nobody, including close friends, sees that I'm unhappy, that I'm depressed, that I question whether my life is worth living nearly every day. My only solace comes in the assurance that there is people who do care about me, maybe it's not many people but I know there's always someone I can talk to if I'm down, they've been through many the same experience as me. But, even now I'm questioning whether they really are there for me, or whether they offer a comfort that is there because he feels he has to, instead of wanting to. That he's doing it purely because I put my problems onto him instead of facing them head-on.

I often wonder what it would be like to be dead - most nights than not, to be free from everything around and not have to worry about my everyday activities, worry about if people will like me, for me. My only little ray of sunshine is, get it, a girl - corny right? It's corny as hell but I don't even care, she's perfect, she's like the female version of me - well, less pessimistic and without the mental health issues, but she helps me get through the day. People have told me that they think she likes me, but I don't believe what they say. Who would like me? I mean, you've heard about my crappy life so far, why would I want to drag her down with me? That is of course, if she felt the same way about me that I do about her. These negative thoughts swirl around in my head and I don't know what to do anymore. Don't know how to continue living like I am, or even whether I want to try.

I've tried speaking to someone - CAMHS diagnosed me with Social Anxiety but eventually discharged me after I couldn't attend sessions (they were also aware of other things going on, such as me questioning whether my life was worth living) and don't really seem to care, they missed a few months of appointments because my therapist was 'off ill'. Going there didn't even help, anyways.

Music - possibly my only solace from the dark thoughts in my head. Doesn't seem to work anymore. What used to be my escape from my thoughts, even if for a few minutes, no longer seems to do much. Activities I once enjoyed have become a burden, I care less and less about people and I hate myself for it.

Time drags slower and slower, each day becomes more and more of a struggle to get by as I put this facade over myself to hide how I feel - a mask of happiness and youthful joy that doesn't reflect my character, never has and never will. I'm getting used to the fact that my friends like me for who I pretend to be, instead of who I actually am, I'm afraid they'll hate me if I show them my true colours, so I build these walls around myself to stop you from getting to close, it's not to protect them, it's to stop me from being so god damn lonely.

I feel alone and empty. Ever since my grandfather passed away when I was eleven, I became numb. Numb to what goes on around me, yet somehow aware. The one person that I could truly call my 'best-friend', suddenly gone from the clutches of cancer and decades of smoking.

I'm not close to either of my parents, father took off when I was little and I often but heads with my mother, who doesn't seem to actually care about me anymore. She knows I have these thoughts, yet does nothing to help. Just carries on with her day like nothing's wrong - though, I suppose that's down to me always having this facade of happiness on.

I lay in bed unable to sleep until the early reaches of the morning, feeling horrible and sad and like I just want to cry, but I can't even do that right - god, what is my life coming to. I can't seem to do anything right anymore.

I hate living like this, but can't seem to pull myself out of this whirlpool of depression to sort out my life. Any ideas?

[Hidden]

How old were you when your Grandma died, you will need to talk out your grief with others in the family, that is the best way to accept the loss and have plenty of wonderful memories as you proceed through life.

To be honest with you, now that your are taking your examinations it must be stressful and I would imagine you will become more at piece with yourself when you can move on from this trail of a young life. However you may be going to College after you get your results and medications would be counterproductive if you need to study.

Generally in your teens medications are better not prescribed, you will queer your game and become unable to concentrate.

I remember when I was at College, I was on medications and now I feel that was a real error on my behalf. Now I understand it was a massive error, and the decision eventually

ruined my early life choices.

Being dead is something as a pensioner I would prefer not to think about, things like that.

Consider diversions to take your mind of your Anxiety, Taking examinations would make everyone feel depressed, most probably over Christmas you will forget about all your studying and will have a really nice time.

Stop worrying, you are starting an interesting time in your life, enjoy

BOB

[pink83737]

Hang in there! You will get through this, keep up with self care and try mindfulness if you haven’t heard of it try researching about it!

[sweetiepye]

Your Mother may not know what to do to help and so it is easier to ignore your problems and hope they go away . This isn't unusual behavior, friends and family often are at a loss as to what to do and the person with the problem feels abandoned . See a Doctor and find out what's going on. For some reason I can only see part of your post. You do sound over whelmed and speaking to a professional could help, but it takes time Just be easy on yourself and do the best you can, Pam .

[bepete]

I would say go for it with the girl, she would possibly help out with exam revision, and calm those nerves down, have some fun, forget about what others think ,,you are an individual.

Speak to mum about the way you feel, including your dark thoughts.

[KrissyK]

I’m so sorry you have such struggles. It’s so hard to keep up the appearances. I’m sure there are people who love you and would continue to love you even if they knew your thoughts and feelings. But sometimes it’s very hard to express them anyway. It’s also hard to know how to help people you love who are going through emotional struggles. What I can tell you is that these feelings will pass. They will get better. Life will improve! There are cognitive therapies you can try. I would suggest you keep a journal to help you process your feelings. Try mindfulness - being in the moment and aware of what is going on and enjoyable at the moment. Spend some time meditating on what your purpose in life is - why you’re here - what you can do to help others through this mortal experience. Sometimes the best way to feel better about your life is to help others feel better in theirs. Even though your grandfather is gone you can continue to live in ways that would have made him proud. Hang in there!