Right Side Left Side Brain War

[MsTree]

40 years of marriage and I still love him. But, there's always a but. I've neglected him lately and not by choice. I'm raising our non-verbal autistic grandson, trying to get rid of our adult addicts or dealing with them in one way or another. We have other grandchildren that love me and want my time and attention as well. My mother died. Our adult son is trying to re-establish himself after being in prison. I was sick last year and in the hospital and home Health for 8 weeks. I try not to be a burden to him by b****ing. And I am a good steward of our money. Okay, I could do better there. I am not trying to boast, but I've always worked at staying in shape and taking care of myself so that my husband will find me attractive. I've accomplished that until I got so stressed out by all the life event I can't give at much care to myself as I would like. That being said, his behavior lately has been out of character and I'm not stupid. Something is up. I had to use his phone a couple days ago and wasn't spying but his google account popped up and there was a search on there that left no doubt as to where his thoughts and maybe his parts have been. I am devasted. I've cried, alone in the woods where nobody can hear, and cried until my face hurts. When I confronted him he lied right out. In the end, he had to admit to that one thing but I know there is more going on and I hate being a fool. The search he'd made was more than just a search. It went against out vows and is grounds for divorce. If I didn't have my young grandson I wouldn't even be here. But I'm lost as to what to do. WOuld it be wrong to get a spy app to track his activity on his phone? I take care of him as much as I can because I know a man has needs. I guess it wasn't enough. I have to know what he's deleted, who he's been with or thinking of being with. I hate being a fool. He's been verbally abusive to me for 2 years. Something he never was before. I have enough stress I should be dead. But being made a fool is more than I can stand. His betrayal killed something inside me. That was a painful death and I'm still dying in other ways. We had something special. It's gone now. I'm still dying over and over again. I don't know what to do. Do I even try to save our marriage? I can't trust him anymore. I never will again. Dear God, I'm really trying to keep my act together.

[MsTree]

I'm going to reply to myself. Since I don't want to burden friends, and I wouldn't disgrace things even more than tHey already are. I never put myself first. I think of my little grandson who wouldn't understand why we moved. I don't have anywhere to go. I could go to divorce court and plea for what I've contributed to this marriage. It would be enough to start over. I don't want another man. If I stay, I have to let it go.

[Hidden]

MsTree

Do you feel appointments with RELATE would help you discuss your problems with a third party. Both of you site down together and let you discuss these problems with someone who will be able to help.

The problem here seems to relate to the Grandson. I do not know His age although I would imagine the problems may relate to starting, looking after children when in so many ways you and your husband should be living life both together taking parts in those interests you have planned you would do if you had no-one else to look after. Possibly your husband feels at a loss caused by lack of attention. In other words your relationship together has been crowded

Look on the Internet under Relate, see if any Relate Centres are in your Area. CAB may also help with some suggestions on different organisations

I remember long back I had a relationship with an Roman Catholic and we attended a counseling service as well, your church may also help, again CAB may help

That is all I can suggest, like you I have been married nearly as long as you and we do everything together, including lots of holidays. We have no children and in a way if something same happened here we would be knocking on the Parents Door. People need to take control of their lives, this sort of problem is common. Remember you have gone through all this before. You are both entitled to some private time together at our time of life

BOB

[MsTree in reply to Hidden]

There is so much crowding us. I try not to overthink. I'm not even mad right now. I'm still in shock. I don't know how people continue in a marriage after a betrayal. I have forgiven him as a human being. I told him forgiving him doesn't mean I will ever trust him again. It doesn't mean I will stay with him. I'll check out the website you mentioned. I'm mature enough to know I can't let emotions rule me. I'm just having trouble clearing my head so I can think. I have prayed that the Lord will guide my decisions. I have always been a good wife. I'm a good person to a fault. My husband is a jealous and controlling man. He gets miffed if help our neighbor who is old and housebound. My husband is not like anybody I've ever known. I've lived on edge for 41 years. Never knowing if I'd say or do the wrong thing. I'm so tired.

[Hidden in reply to MsTree]

If relationship is based on lies, and trust does no longer exist the relationship sounds over especially is there is a chance of violence

When push comes to shove the actions you need to take belong to you, Advice is you talk to your husband explain how you feel explain RELATE and go together to talk out your problems with a third party. You have been married a long time and possibly you may get your disagreements sorted

BOB

[MsTree in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Bob, for replying. He hasn't been the same since 2008 when he returned from Iraq. Before that, he had never yelled at me or even hinted at wanting to hit me. Financially I would struggle and have no quality of life as far as a house, a car, and utility bills, if I divorce him. I was once a vice-president of a large bank. I've held good-paying jobs. But not in a long time. I'm way behind the game and there are young people to compete with, in the job market. I'm trying to be realistic about how life would be, alone and raising a special needs child. How it would affect him. On the other hand, he doesn't need to be around fighting. The fighting always catches me off guard. Steals my peace and joy and I'm no good for anything. Saps the life right out of me. And it's not going to stop or it would have after the first time. I have my pride. ANd the way he tried to make me feel crazy for being suspicious before I accidentally found out. Right now I'm just plain scared of any decision I make. I feel like a loser.

[hypercat54]

Hi if your partner was any sort of a man he would be helping with your issues instead of cheating on you. This is not your fault but his. He chooses his own actions so don't listen or believe him when he tells you it is your fault. It's not. Being verbally abusive to you is never acceptable either and he needs to shape up or ship out.

You need to get tough and lay it on the line for him. Not easy but what is the alternative? x

[MsTree]

Hey Hypercat, I think I've realized my words are useless if they fall on ears that don't hear. I'm going to make it through this. But I don't think I can stay if I don't trust him. That was one thing that I could always be sure of was that he isn't a cheater. Now everything I ever thought was, isn't. I'm so very tired.

[Diamonddaisy]

I am so very sad to read your posts. I experienced this. Things were very similar. My husband had 2affairs. Even used his sisters death as an excuse to meet these women.

I kept my mouth shut as I loved him so much and tried "logic" (crooked thinking) that he's lost his mum then his sister and that he was 15yrs younger than me and that it was a faze. I tried to just act normally, I died a little every day. On top of that our daughter started becoming ill. (now disabled) my relationship with my oldest son broke down as he got someone pregnant and he didn't want to know (I now have twin grandchildren born on my birthday) but lost my son and have had no contact for 5yrs now. My heat broke.

He the had an affair with my only friends' daughter, I lost the friend as she knew and didn't tell me. I tormented myself for 12months knowing but not able to prove. When I did get proof I snapped, I drove my car into his, police were involved I was already having counselling, the crisis team arrived. He walked out and moved in with my friends daughter who was on 24yr old. That was just round the corner from where we lived. He did come home eventually. I couldn't move on and became ill. He left very soon after. 6months later he wanted to come home.

I'd moved, I said no, it has taken my 4yrs now to be strong enough to start divorce proceedings. Every day I feel stronger.

I'm worth more than being treated like that. It affected my health. My daughter is disabled she has just had her 17th birthday I've worked hard to build the relationship up as my daughter and son wanted nothing to do with him. It has taken this long for it to work. I was diagnosed the same as my daughter. My health has declined and the stress has me now with atrial fibrillation last year.

But. I am getting stronger, I'm proud of my achievements I'm about to but the house I rent, I work part time (a struggle as I'm in pain daily) but I have six children, all bar the son I mentioned are proud of me, four have health issues, they are fighters following my example. I now have 5 grandchildren. I see them when I can as they live away.

I want to say to you. There is always a way, you might not see it, I didn't. It's when I look back now. I know for certain, it felt like a death and I grieved for the loss of someone I loved almost more then life (which I considered taking). I am 60 now, my ex is 46 we are, for want of a better description friends, he will help if I'm struggling, ie with my car as he's OK with fixing things. But what is clear now is that we would not be like this if we stayed together he wouldn't speak of why he behaved like he did. I know I would never ever trust him that way again. There would always be the thought of what was he up to.

I'm still sad that it all happened. But I'm proud I've survived the harsh reality of unfaithfulness. I am looking after me first. No one will treat me that way again, I'm worth far more than that.

It's taken me 4yrs as I've said to get here. But far better than living with doubt.

I hope you find your way through all of this and be assured, whatever decision you make, all will come out well in the end.

[MsTree]

It is a slow painful death. I've experienced the dying inside before. But this has been the worst. I take ownership of my part in his wandering way. We are raising our non-verbal autistic grandson. I have raised him since birth and it was not easy. I was bone tired most of the time and trying to do all the things that go with being a stay at home grand-mom. I had to quit my job. My son was/is a pharmaceutical junkie. He's the worst acting druggie I have ever seen. He wasn't always that way. He's educated and smart, but anyway. It was just another thing that took away from our marriage. I was stuck to deal with it while he was at work. No one knows what another is going through until they've been there. I know I have to make my marriage work if I can, because of my grandson. His autism and a move to another place without his grandpa would set him back in a serious way. I pray and am a believer in the good Lord. I have faith He will lead me and in the end, I will be okay. Nothing stays the same. I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I know there are so many of us out there.