I believe and have been told that I may be experiencing Emotional Regulation Disorder (A.K.A Borderline Personality Disorder)

[GimmieMore2007]

I mean I have this for maybe more insight or whatever, So, I was 10 when I first remembered any sort of symptoms. I remember, in my mind, playing a character, usually my fantasized life, typically of a girl who is with some man (who I usually found attractive). Now, I am Gay, and Yes, there were some moments in life I may have hated my gender and felt better as another but now I don't feel that, although I would have maybe prefered that. I never really found it an issue, and it was normal for me. I became more and more happy as the years went on, euphoric, intensely comfortable, but underneath, I think insecurity was down there and was occasionally peak through in situations such as school, when I felt under threat by fellow classmates, such as an argument, or a teacher asking me questions I never knew. I would, be normal still until however, Late 2016 when the 14 year old me began to feel so down. I don't remember much about this time but, it was dark. I was miserable, fearful, extremely anxious and I in all honesty have never felt the same since that. Since time went on, it just got deeper. And, I have had say a friendship, and say I lusted that person, I would use them subconciously for the character, if that makes sense, like it was deliberate but also not. I then feel that I developed deeper, more complex feelings for this person that began to interfere into actual life. This person never knew, and will never, but I sense that I without showing it to anybody had an issue differentiating my feelings from fantasy and reality. I also struggle alot with debliberately expeting and inviting the worst of scenarios. I usually hope the worst will come, because maybe I'm bored to death but then when it comes i'm usually sad and want it to go. I have these idols, Madonna, Britney, Mariah so on so forth, and I find myself again deliberatly and subconciously emulating everything that they do, and has happened in their life and I hate that. If I'm in what I call my Madonna phase lol, I will act strong, like no-one can get to me, act that I love myself, and that I'm just the best thing ever. But I know deep down I still feel the bad feelings. I then say enter a Britney, and sort of deliberately verge to a breakdown, now I would find it alluring years before I even felt down, but now it's like I'm going for it purely to hurry the process, that in real life will one day eventually happen. Then I'm something else and someone else blah, blah, blah. I have extreme OCD, in the mental sense. I can't make music that sounds like this, I can't look like this, if it's not cohesive or as one. It's really confusing and I'm sorry if I have offended anybody, and I am sorry if you are angry reading this, my anxiety is forever off the charts, disrupting and ruining my life, and my depression makes me feel like an object, just nothing and it's deeply boring. I'm sorry to hurt any of you, but what can I do? Also, I experience Narcicism, I'm still nice to people, infact very, but maybe that's due to me in the end, the whole narcicistic aspect of me. I'm 16 now and things have just gotten worse, I'm ashamed of myself and want no-one to know. I'm fine with other illnesses, could someone explain why maybe I'd want bipolar even though I know it's vile and deadly mentally, maybe it's for those highs. I just, I don't feel grandeur as much, or specialness but I do love how I look, which can be a great thing, but also not inside. I wan't to still feel this beauty, and everything, but want the other stuff gone, I also get moments where I am myself, but often times, I feel as though I don't have a self, I just live through the other people I love. I sound and am stupid i know but thats the truth, and my mind races alot, especially from my job choices, desires, etc. One minute i wanna be a famous icon, next a normal person. and i just, ugh, don't know, my mind wants to put a label on all of this, one minute it's bipolar, next depression, next anxiety, sometimes bpd, or others idk

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there,

Welcome to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully, you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences.

You are obviously having a difficult time right now, and your mental health history sounds quite complex. Be aware that is a peer-to-peer support forum and is not a substitute for professional medical advice and help. So the views expressed here will be drawn from personal experiences, and may or may not be helpful.

I realise this is your first post, but could you make your posts much shorter and more succinct, as it hard to read such a long one and follow your train of thoughts. This can be off-putting for many folks, especially if they are trying to read it on a mobile phone.

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, international crisis support helplines etc.

As you live in the UK keep these crisis support helplines handy:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Keep in touch! Ok folks what can you suggest to help this new member?

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[Stilltrying_]

You are still young. I think getting a diagnosis may help you but many people are being told they have Emotional regulation disorder nowadays if the experts don't know what is the matter. We are not qualified to diagnose on here but I do hope you get some help; maybe meds and/or counselling. Above all always remember you are a human being regardless of your diagnosis and we are all individual. I do hope you can start to feel a bit better as you have a lot of life ahead of you. Sending warm hugs, gemmalouise xx