The different stages I have gone through since the start of my depression

[Welshman41]

Before my depression I was a shy nice guy who would of done anything for anybody if they needed, I worked one job as a mechanic for 14plus years which honestly most of the time I didn’t really like, but it was a job at the end of the day and money coming in, but after that when lots of big things happened with in a short period of time thats when things starting go down hill for me, I was so out of it for the first weeks, months I don’t really know I can’t remember how long to be honest cause that’s when I was a real mess were everyday was the same me just lieing down in bed 24/7 mostly staring at the ceiling, crying and not being able to do anything, everything around me was just a blur and I couldn’t take anything in at all. Then the stage after that i went through what I call an anger stage which I went through for a good couple of years and this will sound mad but this for me felt like the best years of my life, Cause even though anger ain’t a nice feeling, for once in my life I felt free of caring what people thought of me and it’s the first time I felt like I was being myself and not trying to be a person that everyone else wanted me to be I just felt free in a sense? For the first time in my life I was going out clubbing meeting people and just going crazy which I never felt comfortable doing before.... if you had asked any of my friends back then what I was like they would probably still say I was a nice guy who would do anything for anybody but they would also say, be careful around me cause if I seen something I didn’t like my temper could switch in an instance which they all witnessed at one point, but that wasn’t towards any of them it was more towards any person who thought they had authority over me or my friends or just people who I thought were bullies in general. I’m really not explaining myself to good hear to be honest, I have always struggled with using the right words but I will just carry on anyway... I got to the stage were I would go out, and go to the pubs which had a bad names for fighting so I could hunt out bullies cause for me at this time it felt like the right thing to do and it made me feel good bullying bullies, if my friends had problems with people I would go and sort it etc, this all started to stop though when my big brother found out what I was doing and offered me a job with him working all around the country for good money, I went cause it’s hard to say no to the amount of money he was on were you could make over a grand a week, and within the first week of moving to England with my brother, my gf that was in wales broke up with me and said she was going back with her ex which was obviously not a great start but I managed to get through it cause we was only together for a short time anyway. Trying to cut a long story short after a few months I met up with a women up there (my recent ex girlfriend) and me and my brother fell out and I moved in with my new gf, not long after that my mum rang me and told me my brother had died and if it wasn’t for my gf I probably would of been gone to by now, well anyway cutting a long story short again, the stage I’m going through now is bad again? I’m starting to get feelings back and I’m caring what people think of me again and it’s just the worse feeling ever, I don’t go out no more I’m just stuck in the house with my mind just running wild and taking over my life.... I’m done writing for now I need a rest

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Welshman21

Thank you for your message. It sounds as if you have had such a lot to cope with over the past few years and months. This is a really positive move to share some of this with us.

This is a really interactive and supportive community, so our members may be able to offer you more information and experience.

Have you talked with anyone about all of this? Your girlfriend sounds very supportive?

You may want to talk with your doctor, who may be able to offer you more help.

You may be grieving for your brother which might be more complicated with all that has happened.

You can contact Cruse at cruse.org.uk helpline 00808 8081677

or The Bereavement Trust at bereavement-trust.org.uk helpline 0800435455

The topics and pinned posts might also have more information.

Perhaps you could get back to us and let us know how things are going for you?

Take care and best wishes

[Welshman41 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you nurse administrator, today I finally managed to build up enough courage to ring MIND a charity runned mental health place and they said they do walk in appointments and I think i might try and go there next week, my problem is now building enough courage up to go there all by myself, cause I got to also catch 2 buses to get there and seems I have bad anxiety when leaving the house I’m not really sure if I can do it, I’m not even sure what bus stops to wait at to get there lol, I’m sure there is a way to find out but I ain’t looked that far into it yet, however the one thing putting me off now that I just thought of whilst texting this is I can’t really afford to keep getting buses if it came to being a regular thing, and I can’t see myself asking them if they pay for the travel fairs cause like I said it’s a charity based place and I wouldn’t take money off them for that? But I definitely would like to talk to someone at least once anyway maybe?