Advice with friendship

[Venici]

Hello there people,

I'm currently facing quite some problems in my social life, thus I decided I should seek some advice as I have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

First of I believe I should give some context to the whole situation. I'm a rather reserved and quiet person in public, that's why I never really had a ton of friends or acquaintances in my lifetime. A few years ago I lost my best friend, as he switched to another school so we basically lost contact. This loss hurts to this day. After my friend moved, another person, let's call him Carl, came into my closer circle. We became pretty good friends, Carl managed to take up most of my free time. Back then I didn't have the capacity to be close with more than one person at a time, which made my contact with other friends gradually fade. I didn't really notice or care. Fast forward four years. Suddenly, Carl is replacing me with another person, a mutual acquaintance of ours. All of the sudden, Carl treats me like a lesser person, doesn't really reach out to me anymore, doesn't want to hang out all that much, especially if the acquaintance isn't there aswell. I practically have no friends besides him, and now I'm being pushed out piece by piece.

Now I'm plagued by tons of questions inside my head, they keep me awake at night... (e.g. Did I do something wrong? Am I not a good person?)

I never really thought Carl was a toxic person, even now I'm not sure whether or not he is. Back when we were best friends, he was always extremely considerate, friendly and funny towards me. Basically everything one would think of when imagining a heartily friend. (I want to clarify that I was Carl's only friend during these years.) All of the sudden I'm treated like an unworthy idiot, I'm belittled, made fun of and excluded.

Sorry if this post got a little out of hand, I'm completely devastated at this point.

I have no idea what to do or how to cope with this. Is there anything I can do?

[sweetiepye]

It does not sound like Carl was ever the friend you thought he was. This probably has very little to do with you and is more about Carl. Apparently he has found someone who fits his needs as a friend and he is willing to throw away 4 years of friendship with you. This has to be painful and yes I would call him toxic. He is putting you down to make himself look right. If you look lame then he doesn't need to feel any guilt about the way he's treating you. At this point do you want to remain friends with him. There may be a friend for you but you won't have noticed because you have been exclusively with Carl. I would rather be alone and lonely than with someone who treats me badly. Pam

[Hidden]

You should have a talk with him find out why he's acting this way

[EmmyLoop]

Venici, You are not alone and your post did not get out of hand lol. I'm experiencing the loss of a very good 4-5 year long friendship. What a heartbreak, it's worse than losing a boyfriend! I flew out to visit her this past December, and she acted like she was almost embarrassed of me. Then I didn't hear from her for at least 2 months. She said she was "going through a hard time," but her posts on Facebook looked like she was happier than I have EVER seen her. I still feel rejected and betrayed.

Now, the possibilities that come to mind when you talk about "Carl" is, first, sometimes we're only friends with one person at one time, i.e. my friend Laura in high school. Why? The universe/God ordained it that way perhaps? But sometimes a person can slooowly separate from our friends so they can garnish all our attention. Again, these are only possibilities. Second if you don't remember him being toxic, maybe you didn't want to see it, meaning, the friendship was so dear to you, you turned a blind eye to some red flags. Boy have I done that half a million times! And it's ok. We're not perfect. Finally, if that is not the case, he could be experiencing a high degree of insecurity whether he knows it or not. And what do some people do to cope with insecurity? That's right! They put others down so they feel better about themselves. Sad, but true. Your impulse might be to stick by him like the "nice friend" you are, but at what cost? You just said you're devastated. It breaks my heart to hear that.

As far as suggestions for coping...you took a great first step posting to this forum. Now, you might not want to hear about this next thing or do it and that's very understandable, but just in case you are up for it, think back to a time when you felt sadness and loss. It might be something as simple as you might have changed jobs or come home from vacation and had the blues. Do you remember how you got through that? Exercise, photography, spend time with animals or friends (which may be one in the same lol) Now, I'm just realizing that answer might be "Carl", so try to think of something you went through for which he was not the answer.

Let me know if how that works out, esp if it's too painful, and I'll try to think of other coping skills that have helped me and my loved ones.

With empathy and compassion,

Emmy

[Hidden]

We have a neighbour very much the same as your friend?, Carl and these people seem to make a habit of dropping supposed friendships like a brick. You cannot do anything about it, you will eventually learn and reserve your expectations when you meet other people.

Some people also use friendship as a tool until they find something better to concentrate and meet their needs. Some are not only two faced, they can keep friends for their own use.

Let this one go and consider what your needs and expectations are when you meet others. Remember we make very few real friends in Life, most friendships are people who will pass through your live. They are ships that pass in the night.

Start a new adventure you will find someone in no time at all

BOB