This is the most irrational thing I have experienced and it's hard to tell people because nobody understands.
Unwanted thoughts from specific past events during my school days seem to have crept up on me this evening.
Basically there was one particular person in the year above me at school who bullied me in very subtle ways i.e. enough to intimidate me but not enough for it to be reported. I think it started because someone had told him I was a 'cry baby' probably as my signs of social anxiety gave the impression I was a sensitive and vulnerable child which is not good for a bully to know. The worst thing about this case was the fact I seemed to be the only person he picked on, and everyone else liked him which really hurt me as I felt that if I turned to anyone, they would just deny that he would ever be a bully - as previously mentioned, the bullying was very subtle and he was nice to everyone else. He even seemed popular and was your typical good looking slim bad boy whilst I was the fat ginger loser of the school struggling to make friends (or that's how I feel).
I have been bullied many times whilst in school, but this is the specific event which seems to haunt me to this day and I'm unsure why. Is it because of the injustice? The fact he was good looking and popular and I was a loser and still am today with not many friends. I think it's particularly haunting me tonight because one of my facebook friends commented on his photo (therefore it comes up on my feed) and I ended up looking at his profile to see what he was up to. Basically I looked so I could get a brief impression of how much more successful he is than me and my fears were true. I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others but he seems to have lots of photos of him on nights out with lots of friends and he's been with his girlfriend for a few years now. He may not be happy, but things look good for him. And there's me still feeling miserable letting my past haunt me and not being able to cope with the injustice.
Another really irrational thing is that this past even haunts me particularly around Christmas time. WHY? Nothing in particular happened during Christmas. I wasn't bullied specifically during Christmas time but I just seem to let this thought haunt me during Christmas and I have no idea why. Is it because I can imagine everyone else happy and celebrating Christmas whilst I continue with depression? I really don't know,
And now the worst part - I can't trust anyone. Because everyone liked him, I keep imagining that every potential girlfriend I meet and every friend I meet will not have a true liking towards me if they knew this bully as a person. I keep imagining horrible things like having a girlfriend rejecting me for the better looking more interesting bully (if she knew him). I am well aware these thoughts are irrational and strange. But they are truly haunting me and I don't know how to deal with them.
Thanks for your comments Hannah. I'm sure you will learn more about me as I used to be on here regularly and have only just picked it up again. I feel that GAD is the cause of these intrusive thoughts but the most irrational thing is the fact I keep imagining friends and girlfriends meeting this bully and leaving me to be friends with him. Very strange I know but it has left a mark on me and you are right about confidence. It's totally shattered due to this which is why I feel I will struggle in making friends and a partner. It's good to know I have people on here to support me though.
Hi George I agree with Hannah. I think this guy must have been very unhappy to pick on you like that - he had a need for power obviously. A nice person would have befriended you instead of belittling you like that. He has a major flaw in his character which thank goodness you don't. I believe in karma and he will get his comeuppance some day trust me. x
Hi Hannah nice to see you too! Thanks for the compliment
Hope your pain isn't too bad at the moment. Lots of love
Bev xx
• in reply to
Lets hope so! I wish I did not have to be so bitter but a lot of anger has built up from the past and I can feel spiteful at times. I am feeling better today after seeing some of the nicer people in my life x
Hi george sorry to hear of your problems with with past events including bullying ! Any bullying no matter how sutile it is ! Just remember that bullies are cowards that get there kicks in making others misreble they obviously dont realise or dont care about the impact on you its the long lasting problems this causes ! Please try to think how sad they must have been if the needed to resort to this ! The best way you can stick up two fingers to them is to say i will not let you to ruin my life and carry on as normal ! I was bullied in school and also in the work place so im speaking from experience i always wonder how sad there lifes have turned out ! Please dont let them beat you.! Please let me know how you get on and good luck. (David)
Hi David, thank you for your comments. You are absolutely right and it has reminded me to think about it more rationally. I am pleased to say I feel better today after talking to some good people in my life! Work also helps when I'm busy which is a good distraction.
i was bullied aged four by a boy ofmy age and a girl pf eight. they used to tie me up and thenkick and punch me. I have never got over it and have social anxiety and few friends. i too have ben bulled by many people including my mother and ny husbans, two colleagues and theHeadteacher of my school . i too suffer from depression, but have learnt far to late in life (i am 65 ) tofight back. it has cost me my health though.
Sorry to hear that. It really is awful when the past stays with you and you just want to forget it and move on. Just goes to show it's never too late to get better. I hope everything is ok with you now xx
Georgesy Hi there i dont know you but im sorry to hear you were bullied by the sound of it most of your life ! You have to take back control of your life and stick two fingers up to those who bullied you over the years ! Dont take this the wrong way but you need to say to your self im better than all of them and im not going to be a victim and im taking my.life back and im going to try and live life to the fool and prove the bullies didnt win ! God bless you and let me know how you get on please (david)
I have flashbacks too. I think things can just trigger it, like an old picture etc. I can end up having nightmares about things. Our past haunts us, that is a fact. I was bullied a lot in school. It made me so withdrawn, anxious and angry at the world. I still remember feeling that way. Some of the bullies I have heard are doing well in life and some aren't. In your case, this guy is doing well. Would it really make things better for you if he were doing badly?
Think about it, how would your life be any different right now if he were poor and single?
You have to fight those thoughts because there's nothing you can do about his happiness. But you can do something about your own, you're the only one who actually can.
You are right. It was a very small reminder which caused all this upset last night! I guess it's probably because it has made me feel very bitter and I want to see some kind of misfortune happen in his life so that we're even. But on the other hand I was thinking he is simply not worth my time especially when I have more important people in my life.
You are right. It was a very small reminder which caused all this upset last night! I guess it's probably because it has made me feel very bitter and I want to see some kind of misfortune happen in his life so that we're even. But on the other hand I was thinking he is simply not worth my time especially when I have more important people in my life.
Whilst I agree with what other people have written I do also think it would help you to seek professional help via your GP as flashbacks can be very difficult to shift. There is a form of therapy called EMDR which has been proven helpful for flashbacks, also counselling may help you to understand why your self-esteem was so low in the first place and how to begin to feel better about yourself.
I was also bullied at school and know how that has continued to affect my life - even now after many years of therapy I still expect people not to like me and to put me down and still often take passing comments as if they are bullying. The only way to shift those feelings is by putting yourself into relationships, being honest and open, and finding that although some people will bully you others will like and respect you for being who you are. I often think of the old saying - we can't please all of the people all of the time - the skill is coming to realise when people are bullying and when they are just being insensitive - which we can all be at times. xx
Very true, thanks for your comments. I am slowly getting better at relationships especially at work and I have spoken to my GP and I'm currently undertaking group therapy so hopefully things will work out xx
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