The partner who's ok: Hi all I'm the... - Mental Health Sup...

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The partner who's ok

Just75
Just75

Hi all

I'm the partner of my husband who has just been put on Sertraline 50mg due to the fact of having no emotions. I'm struggling with this fact that he shows me nothing.

He also had an affair for a few months and can't understand why if he had no emotions for me how did he do it.

Is anyone else in this situation? I feel in limbo as I don't know if he will ever feel the same about me again.

Thanks in advance

8 Replies
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sorry this sounds like a tough situation for you!! I can't help wonder that he must have some kind of emotion or love for you though or wouldn't he not bother to stay in relationship with you at all and try the medicine to possibly help??? unless I'm not understanding correctly? is he taking it to help hav emotions or to numb to much emotion?? I myself had someone I love that was a cheater not loyal and personally couldn't bring myself to ever trust them and relationship just didn't work for me so hard to really relate fully to being able to stay w/cheating person but I'm pretty sure the are others on here who can relate more and have some good thoughts and advice possibly? One thing I would say though is more the question for you- how do you feel about yourself?do you love yourself enough? I've heard many people say they've felt they weren't enough and self esteem was very low and they get into relationships with others who have issues as well and don't know how to truly love or be faithful and loyal because they never learned what that really looks like or means or what true love really is!! I think you both prob. really need some kind deeper counseling/ therapy to help figure some of this out! Sounds like layers of deeper issues! just some thoughts-I hope best to u🌻🌸

Hi thanks for your message. I have no issues myself and do not feel low or worthless or not worthy of my husband. He basically got shingles twice and it knocked him for six. Then all this happened in between

That sounds rough as hell. If it helps when I was on Sertraline 50mg I felt a barrier between me and my emotions, like the skin you get on water but in my head ( best description i can give). The only thing I could feel was rage - maybe he needed to feel somthing? I dunno, cheating is always a douchebag thing to do.

I think my boyfriend is going through something similar...I could tell last year that they really upped his medication...apparently, he felt it needed an adjustment, because he is now on a very even keel...almost a straight line. There isn't a lot of spontaneous interaction, and there is a lot more sleeping, on his end...sometimes, up to 10 hours. He seems to move very slowly, and he is very reluctant to relay anything personal. He did reveal that they had done an iodine dye test on his arteries/veins, to be certain that there were no obstructions--he was very lucky, and none were there. But, I can tell he's a bit frustrated about how he is/isn't "feeling." I've asked my close friends, who are on these types of medications--or, have been on them, in the past--if this is normal, and how should I be around him. They advised me to just go with the flow, be supportive, but not intrusive and above all, just be patient. It's a balancing act that goes three ways: the doctor's expectations; the medication(s) with expected/unexpected results and the poor patient on the other end, trying to dicipher this new emotional country that they are trying to navigate. Your significant other's affair may have been "testing" to see if they could still "feel." Or, it could've been an unforseen affect of the meds. Either way, I do feel for you! A Vulcan mind-meld would provide more clarification...if, only. What does your own intuition tell you? If you are getting a big question-mark about how to move forward, maybe a second chance is in order. I am not a second-chance person, myself, in terms of infidelity...on the other hand, though, this is a new emotional map for me, as well...keep us posted and let us know how things go with you, both--love and light, to help illuminate the way!

Just75
Just75
in reply to 6ixtyon1

Hi

Thanks for your message. We are both trying. I love my husband immensely.

There was nothing in the affair.

It hurts more the fact he is emotionless. He wants to try, he came back home on his own accord. We have been together 13 years.

I just want him back to normal and we are both trying everything together. Walking ,the gym healthy eating. Doctor putting him on tablets was last option.

I guess I'm frustrated and scared what will happen in the future. Will he ever have feelings again. Other than feeling g he is normal.

How do you cope?

I really hope things get better for us both!!!

6ixtyon1
6ixtyon1
in reply to Just75

Well, we had a small test over the weekend...one of my boyfriend's relatives was getting married. The last wedding we went to, together, was a mutual friend's...I recall that my boyfriend suddenly got up and left the guest table, abruptly. No one was offended, because there had been a long lull in the coversation, but there were some puzzled looks; I said he'd had a very bad week at work--which was true. Later, he told me he just couldn't take being around that many strangers, in a noisy environment, and be expected to make conversation, as if everyone were old friends. I totally got that, but...most weddings are stressful on everyone, esp. the parents of the bride and groom--not to mention the happy couple, themselves!

This time, it was an outdoor venue; we prespired quite a bit, but there were many lulls in the "schedule," and no one seemed overly anxious to get the show on the road, too much. I know that helped! With the wedding, above, the happy couple had a plane to catch in two hours...on a Saturday, traffic can be horrible...not the case, this time.

However, when the dancing finally got started, I could tell in his anxious eyes that he really wanted to get out to the car. We politely waited until the couple had danced, danced half of the next dance, ourselves, and then made our apologies, due to the heat and the long drive back. I wouldn't have minded staying an extra hour--the music was all stuff that he and I love, but in the interest of his welfare--and getting home to some really cold water!--I went with the flow, as my friends have all recommended.

You are doing everything right; you are right there and being super-supportive and setting a good example for routine. Plus, your significant other returned, because your love is such a great balm to all of the confusion he's going through, medically!

My situation's a little different...I am on the other side of the mts., and even so, I am not certain that I am giving him enough "space" that his medication seems to be dictating, as one of his current "needs."

But for you and myself, I think the bottom line is to continue those warm words and gestures--as well as some carefully measured space--as being all part of the healing process. And, no, it's not the same emotional return for me that we had in the past...will that ever come back? I honestly don't know. And, yes, that's scary...

This, I do sense: this person I love is currently more lost than in the past, due to these treatments. I know that they are trying desperately to figure this out on their own, without revealing too much weakness...or, feeling weaker/less in control. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes...what would I hope for, from the outside? Is it what I'm doing, right now? More of it? Less? I feel like I'm trying to teach a child to ride a bicycle, and be encouraging, when I have no idea how to ride one, myself.

That's why I'm going to look for counseling, just for myself, at least at first. I need a sounding board, and I think my medical will just about cover 3 sessions, by half. I need a 2nd opinion, here. I know that much.

Is that something that you would consider? Best would be couple's therapy--sadly, I think my boyfriend is terrified of that...it sort of fell flat in his parents' marriage, so I never suggest it...but, i always remember what my mom said: you don't know if you don't try...and, you can't try, if you don't ask. So, once again, into the breach...

Just75, I think we could both use some direction, here...what do you think?

Much love and light, to you, both! Please do keep me posted, and let me know what you think!

Just75
Just75
in reply to 6ixtyon1

Hello 6ixtyon

Thankyou for your message.

I have thought about the councelling. We have spoken about it. It may help to speak to an outsider. As it is helping g me talk to you.

A lot of people are thinking that my husband is depressed which isn't the case. He is just void of emotions. Which hurts me considerably.

Sometimes he will be fine and others he's in his own world and not realising the implications his actions have on me.

I've tried everything I can. I'm running out of options and hope .I guess!

I'm stuck in limbo wondering if he does actually want to be with me. Or is he with me cause it's the easy option. I don't know. I have hundreds of thoughts and questions running through my mind.

I think k about his affair a lot. And I can't get my head around the fact he had no emotions for me but he must have for her otherwise how do you start an affair. He said he talked a lot to her and things led on from there.

But the trust hurts. I'm getting paranoid about it.

I guess that's natural.

We are still taking day by day. And making plans for the future. He says he wants to feel normal again. And he's really trying.

There isn't much more I can do apart from wait. My fear is how long and what if he decides I'm not what he actually wants in the end.

He's been on the tablets over 2 weeks now. I don't think the dose is enough. We go back to the doctor's soon to be accessed.

I do hope your feeling ok. As well as we can be.

Remember we are worth a lot too!

Keeping everything crossed for us both!

Amen to that--and, thank you, too! There has to be some light for someone at the end of this...I try to think that I have not pressed enough to get my boyfriend to talk, when things were bothering him--but, then, he never liked doing that, anyway. Talking is just not his thing. Was your husband a person who enjoyed talking, before the medication? If he is talking to someone else, but not to you, that isn't right, but he may have been afraid to hurt you, by going too deeply into emotional territory...

I am thinking counseling will be good for you and myself...I wish I could go to my boyfriend's counseling, if he is having any...but, he always was ferociously private about his medical history, and I don't want to break anything by insisting...yes, I need outside direction in this! WE deserve it!

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