Looking Forward

[MyMania]

Looking Forward

I realized today that I have stopped living life. I’m literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. I’m not living, I’m waiting. And the trouble is, I don’t know what I am exactly waiting for, I’m kind of scared for what it might be.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzed and numb.

The thing about an anxiety disorder is that you know it is stupid. You know with all your heart that it wasn’t a big deal and that it should roll off you. But that is where the disorder kicks in. Suddenly the small thing is very big and it keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest and trying to escape from under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it. The fact that many people don’t recognize or have patience for your illness only makes everything worse.

Most people who don’t have anxiety or depression don’t get it. They don’t understand what you mean when you say you cry for no reason. They think you’re just emotional. They don’t know how it feels to have your heart pumping out of your chest and to be short of breath and cannot control it, or to feel like the whole world is tumbling down on top of you and you can’t fix it. They don’t get that anxiety and depression are both illnesses, not a birth defect. It’s not your personality either, it has just taken over it. They think we like the attention, but they have no idea how badly we want to feel happy. To have a real smile, not a fake one. To not have to go through the day feeling worthless. To not cry for a week straight. To just be happy, like the average person should.

Please be patient with those who have anxiety. They say sorry a lot because they are genuinely afraid they have insulted you somehow. They ask if they are annoying because they genuinely think they have somehow annoyed you. They say things are “awkward” because they can be uncomfortable in any situation, no matter who with, they don’t mean to personally hurt you. They cry because sometimes people and situations are too much, not because they are looking for attention. They don’t text you a lot because they are clingy, it’s because if you don’t reply, they think they have done something wrong. They can be set off by little things, so don’t say they are overreacting when they panic. Please be patient with those who have anxiety. They only mean the best.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why”

[Sunshine151515]

so beautifully written

[Kirstbro]

This helped me heaps, and maybe knowing that will help you. I often doubt my own depression. I wonder if I’ve always been anxious. When I wake up I look forward to eating and that scares me because I don’t want food to be the only thing I look forward to, the only thing that doesn’t make me want to hide. I’ve been debating whether to go on my antidepressant because I’ve been so much more positive lately and I don’t want to rock the boat. When I explain my own narrative I think that if I can learn to communicate, connect and create (I want to write and perform) I’ll fix my depression. Do I even have a brain problem? If I get dependent on pills will I just be delaying the moment when I have to face myself and change? I hope you’re getting what you need, or that it’s speeding its way to you.