New to depression and talking about it, dont know what to do...

[steve1980]

Hi, im new to all of this, im no good at talking especially at the moment as it just makes me well up...I thought I would try writing it instead, I seem to have depression and I think its been bubbling for many many years.

Now that I recognise it, I can say it’s a dangerous illness, before I could recognise it, I thought nothing of it. Living day to day totally unaware that depression had a hold of me, being totally blind to thoughts that I felt were normal were actually totally not normal at all.

My thoughts are deep and questioning and morbid, I become anxious and scared of ridiculous scenarios going through my head that were out of this world compared to true reality and possibility, but after a sleep and a new day it would be forgotten and move on to the next, I become short tempered and not show empathy or sympathy, I bite people’s heads off rather than deal with an issue, I hear my inner voice continuously putting me down, you failed, your not good enough, what will you be remembered for, you wouldn’t be missed, knew you would get that wrong, knew you would fuck up again… or telling me to swerve into oncoming lorries or central reservations on the motorway.

It wasn’t until I actually went to swerve one time and stopped myself at the point of yanking the steering wheel that I thought this isnt right and felt actually scared for my well being. I still did nothing, I listened to my inner voice telling me I was probably a bit stressed out and I felt sorry for myself.

Self pity then became another reason to hate myself, I am meant to be a man not a mouse, I would dwell on all the negatives untill I would find myself crying alone in the toilet or at my office desk and passing it off as hayfever, I would feel so emotional and deep about everything, I would question life, and space and feel so un-important and that my life is irelivant in the bigger picture of the universe, I would question what happens after I die and imagine that moment it happens like does your brain still continue after for a bit or do you just fall asleep and then nothing…., I would have dreams of my death in different scenarios, plane crashes, car crashes, murdered, drowning and actually feeling that moment that your going to die, the feeling was so real I felt like I was actually about to die and couldn’t stop it, it was the scariest feelings I have ever ever had because I never had dreams like that, you normally wake up before or you kinda know it’s a dream but I felt so out of control of my own destiny.

It all came out after a row with my partner about money troubles, after she went out I broke down in tears hating myself for the mess I made and feeling pity for the loser I felt I was. If it wasn’t for my partner coming back in as she had forgotten her keys she wouldn’t have known but she caught me in tears and knowing im not normally an emotional person told me to speak with someone about how I was feeling. Im not a talker by the way I keep things to myself, always have that’s just me, but I chose to speak with my dad, he left my mum when I was around 3 and I don’t see him often so not really that close so I thought it would be easier just to open up a bit with not being bombarded with pity and people feeling sorry for me of thinking im crazy. My dad told me it was depression, he suffers from it, my uncle did before his suicide, my grandfather also took meds to control it like my dad.

This was the 1st time I heard of any mentions of depression in my family and im 38 years old… It was also the 1st time I had ever even thought about depression in relation to what I was feeling, the thought had never even come into my head at all…

My dad urged me to see a doctor and I did, the doctor confirmed it was anxiety and depression and gave me a contact centre number and referred to me a specialist department that talk with people that are feeling like I was.

I felt so relieved that these thoughts I was having were down to something and not just me, and when I looked back through moments in my life and similar thoughts I had had through childhood suddenly stood out and it became clear that I had been suffering with this for a long time just not to the degree of today. I didn’t use the contact number I felt awkward im not a talker after all and after a few weeks the referall program cancelled as I didn’t use it, I didn’t want meds that the doc was offering I didn’t want to become dependent on them, I would get the odd text off my dad but eventually they stopped too.

My partner has been my rock and has been there for me since finding me in tears, I have shared with her thoughts I have had but not all cos they sound crazy when your trying to explain them. And I thought I could deal with this on my own and not have to speak with any proffessionals or take meds. But truth is im struggling again, its great that I know what it is and that was a massive weight off my shoulders and I thought that would be enough to stop the subconscious thoughts coming to the surface but they are not stopping. The thoughts of dieing and being useless and unworthy of anything, start whenever they feel like it, theres no reason or anything specific that starts them off it just happens.

I read somewhere to write down how I feel and read it back to get a better understanding of how I feel, but just writing this has me welling up like a baby, If it wasn’t for shear love I have for my children and partner I really think I would have ended it all by now, in fact I split up with my partner about 4 years ago when I felt the same way and my life was a mess, I had lost everything and missed my kids soooo much I was ready to end it, it got to me ready to drive my car into a local river before a passerby stopped me and had threatened to call the police and I didt want any bother I just wanted to be left alone so I drove off home and cried myself to sleep.

This time its different because I know its depression so although the suicidal thoughts are there I don’t think I could actually do it as I recognise this…. Its depression….yes you feel down, yes you have voices…yes you feel unworthy and yes its fucking hard but its still the illness not the true real me…….But the negative thoughts, the morbid thoughts, the scary thoughts and horrible thoughts I have are still there….I don’t mean thoughts that I do the harm, they are thoughts of harm being done to me or people I love where I cant do anything about it and I feel useless and cant deal with how it feels.

So what now? Is this me forever? Will it get worse? Will it go away? Will I need meds eventually…. Will I not be able to recognise it in the future and do something seriously bad to myself?

I just feel lost.

[sweetiepye]

It might be time to get a check up and evaluation from your Doctor. What do you think ? It seems like you haven't dealt with your problems and they are piling up on you which will make you feel over whelmed. All those feelings you have of doing something irrational are there because you feel out of control. Once you start working on your issues you will feel more in control. Keep posting , there will be others with even better advice. Pam

[steve1980 in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you Pam, sorry for the long essay, I havent spoken about this before and once I got writing It went on and on... I am going back to the doctors later this week and see what happens. I just know that I need a bit of help now, I cant do it all by myself anymore

[sweetiepye in reply to steve1980]

You can go on and on all you want. We all do at some time or another. I'm glad you found us. You won't have that horrible alone feeling anymore. Pam

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Steve,

Welcome to our supportive community. We are so glad that you have reached out to us for help and support. As you have begun to find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. Well done folks and thank you for responding to this new member.

You are not alone in how you are feeling, and in today's climate, it's really important for men especially, to start to have the conversations that mental health affects everyone, its no respecter of persons! A family history of mental health is not uncommon, and I'm so glad you had that conversation with your dad, and that he's made you aware of your family history, and most importantly that he encouraged you to get professional medical help. You are obviously having a difficult time right now, but I do agree with the great advice and support the other members have given to you. You need to go back and have another conversation with your doctor and tell them about your suicidal and morbid thoughts, and ask for a referral to your local mental health team, who can not only advise on medications, but offer a range of talking therapies to help you, start to address these unhelpful thought patterns.

In the meantime, do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, international crisis support helplines etc.

Keep your chin up, you have taken the first step in reaching out for help from this forum. Keep in touch!

Best wishes, MAS Nurse

[mdowning81]

Steve,

I'm in a similar situation 37 year old male and am just coming to terms with my anxiety and depression and just found out this is something that both my mom and dad have dealt with. I have just started therapy and medication in the last couple months. Like you I was afraid of this but decided that it was worth it for my kids and wife, I had gotten to the point that I no longer enjoyed them and knew that wasn't the real me. I am learning that medication and therapy are not always a quick fix, I am still having struggles and like you spent last week hiding and crying, but by taking the meds and doing the therapy I at least have a feeling of hope that things can get better. If you decide to go the med and therapy route just remember to be patient with the process, it will seem impossible but just keep reminding yourself you didn't become like this overnight and it will take a little time to untangle it all. Also be fully open with your therapist, it took me awhile to fully open up and when I did I completely broke down, its ok they wont view you as weak or less, they truly want to help. Lastly, depending on your therapist they may recommend you do some "homework" this might be journaling, gratitude journaling, working to correct negative thought patterns. Do the work, I know it will seem stupid and pointless, but what I keep telling myself is that I wasnt getting better before so what can it hurt to try these things. If you ever need to talk or bounce ideas off someone feel free to private message me, it helps to have people that understand what's going on.

[sweetiepye in reply to mdowning81]

You are spot on. My experience was similar and I am so much better. I have different issues now but my earlier experience with anxiety and panic attacks taught me how to face and over come mental issues. A bit of depression now , no worries, I'm up for the fight. Pam

[welly10]

Hi Steve hope your feeling well today.the first thing is you speak about your illness I know how difficult it is and you have the support of your family.it is ok to go for therapy ie CBT or any other try reading books on your illness and how to help your mental health.susan jeffers called feel the fear.and a book called f##k it.really good books.and if you take meds you can get off them also.im 48 I had a breakdown in 2015 due to fatigue stress and other things but I was having the same symptoms as you and also I look back on my life and I also brushed things off as other things at certain times.im on medication now for anxiety it really does help but the meds are half the battle you have to change your thought patterns as well.its hard but you will get there I wish you well on your journey.

[steve1980]

I wasnt expecting so many replies, I feel emotional when I speak about it and even to read these replies, and im really not an emotional person, before all this I think the last time I actual cried was in 2008 when one of my grandparents died.

Like I said although I have probably had this for a long time now, it is still new to me to what it actually is,

with the medication....what does it do? Will it make me seem different to others? Will I become relliant on it? Are there side affects?

And thank you to everyone that has replied I thought I would just be ignored, I dont normally write on forums or groups, I dont even do any kind of social media or anything.

[Hidden]

Hi Steve..I'm 43 male and I can relate to you..I see it like this ..we are growing and maturing and yes we may not agree with our past but we can definitely learn from it..we are much wiser now and want to better ourselves..our past was walking depression..the anxiety and everything else that comes with it..we have to change some old habits and replace them with new ones..it's never to late to start all over again now..everyday is a new beginning..a new chance..you know what to do and not what to do..I don't take medication..Ive battled this alone, well not alone but with God..therapy never worked for me but deep down I know the issue lies with me and only I can do something about it..I just want you to know though that this is only temporary..you will get better, you will see light..I promise., you will get out of this rut a much stronger, wiser, warrior..just keep moving forward ..have hope and faith and never, ever, give up..just keep going..your on the right track..we are here for you too..