I dont know how to cope.

I have always been a bright bubbly girl who enjoys life, who has had to deal with few problems in life. I've had a very good upbringing, I had a good education, enjoyed school, had friends etc..

This all changed about 5 or 6 months ago. Back in August, my dad found out that my mum was having an affair with a bloke she had met at the gym. this came as a shock to both me and my brother, as well as my dad. In our eyes, they were the "perfect couple" but obviously there was more than what you could see to the eye going on behind closed doors. My dad took this badly. He stopped eating and sleeping for a while and my initial instinct was to be there for him and be his shoulder to cry on, as well as helping him get better. Because i was so fixated on helping my dad at this point, i bottled up and ignored the hurt that i felt from it, because i needed to be strong for my dad. Time went on and my dad seemed to get better slowly but surely. However, for me, my emotional state was deteriorating. I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and he gets the front of my problems. If i am in a bad mood, he gets the full effect of it. Seeing my mum cheat on my dad was so unexpected it began to put doubts in my own head, leading to my mind becoming my own worst enemy. i began to believe that he was always up to something and that he must be cheating on me when he wasn't with me. it lead to a state of extreme anxiety where i would question him over petty things because in my head, it was a big deal and i couldn't bottle it in because i just could not cope with the horrible anxious feeling. it has strained my relationship massively, it must be hard being on the other side of my constant insecurity and accusations and a lot of the time he does not understand what i am going through mentally and puts it down to me "itching for an argument" when all i really want/need is reassurance. Our arguments end up being regular and heated saying nasty hurtful things to one another. I think deep down i have always had that little bit of insecurity, but it has been very mild and i was able to keep it under control. Now, i literally act like a nightmare. I am so scared of being hurt or abandoned, that i am pushing the ones i love away so they do not get the chance to. Some days i wake up feeling good but more often i wake up wishing that i didnt because i dont know how i am going to face the day feeling the way that i am. I've lost motivation in life.

All i want is to get better, not be this awful monster that i have turned into and just be happy.

If anyone else has ever felt this way, it would be nice to know that i am not alone and maybe offer some sort of advice?

[Hidden]

Do you think you might be suffering from depression? If so you need to go to the doctors and get help. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have been to the doctors who said that they think I am suffering from moderate depression. I have been on seratriline anti depressant tablets for just over 2 months now but I feel they are not solving the problem, however I am scared to come off them as I have suddenly stopped taking them in the past and I felt even worse than I did before I started them. I just want to feel better about myself and enjoy my life. I'm only 21 and I feel like my life is just on hold because of my drastically low self esteem. X

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi meds won't 'solve' any problems, what they do is help you feel a bit better so you can tackle your issues. Counselling is the way forward for you, did the doctor sugges it? If not go back and ask to be referred for it.

The other option if you can afford it is to go privately but this can be very expensive.

I am on sertraline - 150 mgs so maybe your dose needs increasing? I found being on 100 mgs didn't help me but the higher dose does. You must never just stop taking them or any meds and the guidelines to coming off them are when you have felt better for at least 6 months then tailor them off very slowly under the guidance of your doctor. x

[celtic2746]

kw sorry to see you in such a situation and yes its sad your mum and dad have separated but you have to start looking after yourself as you will help no one but hurt yourself ! a appointment with your doctor will be the first step in healing you as you need to seek help it may be depression you have as coughalot suggested i myself have found great support on here from others such as coughalot take care and hope all goes well for you david

[Hidden in reply to celtic2746]

Thank you for your kind words. I have been diagnosed with moderate depression and have been taking anti depressants but I just feel like they are not solving the problems I have with myself in regards to self esteem and the unhealthy thoughts. I just want to feel better about myself and be my happy self again.

[Findingme]

Firstly, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. This experience has made you have to grow up fast and see the world differently. You may be grieving over the loss of your innocence.

However, our parents are human and make mistakes. Mistakes help us grow if we are not allowed to just pass the blame onto others.

Rather than being judgemental, or taking sides, let them work it out between themselves.

Your Dad should not be dragging you into his problems to the point it is affecting your mental health. It is good that you care about him, but he has to be honest with himself, and you might be allowing him enough excuses that he can merely put all the blame on your Mum. As we tend to see our parents as role models this in itself is harmful to you as her daughter. If he is going to discuss their relationship with you he should also be honest and open about his own failings so you can get a balanced view.

Have you ever thought that your natural instinctive reaction of stuffing your own feelings down whilst you care for your Dad might have also been something you learned form your Mum? Maybe she has been doing this for a long time, until she cracked and looked elsewhere for emotional support. Maybe your Dad is good at getting women to care for him but not good at providing that in return. There are always two sides to every story.

I would suggest you think about this in your therapy, in order to try to not repeat this cycle. You may well come out of this whole experience with a deeper understanding of yourself and others. To be honest, growing up in a repressed family where people pretend all is well but never talk about how they feel, is no preparation for the real world.

[Kjb1980]

Hi there well reading your post has reminded me off my relationship that has recently broke down with my ex as in the insecurities etc. He left me last year as had a change of heart then came back, we didn't live together again but I helped look after him as he was depressed and I forgot about my own hurt same as you with your dad. It's selfless which is a lovely trait to have but unfortunately you haven't dealt with those feelings you have. So for months we tried but the insecurities of mine from when he left never went and I was all over the place arguing all the time and my boyfriend wasn't good at reassurance and just wanted things to be normal again! we are not together now which devastated me and for the last few weeks I have slowly picked myself up I'm on anti depressants and having counselling. I would advise you to get some counselling you will probably only need a few sessions and talk to your boyfriend I'm sure he will understand - good luck you'll be back to you before you know it x

[Findingme]

I can't imagine what you are going through as I have never experienced my parents having an affair,but the way you describe it I can see how it is hurting you. I don't think that you should necessarily get involved on your mothers behalf, or tell your father what to do, but you have every right to your feelings about it. Why not write down in a letter, how it is affecting you. Try not to judge or lecture, or give ultimatums. try to keep it about your relationship with your Dad, and stay out of your parents relationship. Don't post this letter. Take it to your therapist and talk it through with them. You might find it helps just to get it all out.