I've been diagnosed with anxiety & depression. Anxiety I feel like I've struggled with for most of my life, depression came later in my teens after surviving a nearly fatal car accident with my family. Everyone kept telling to be grateful that I survived or that I didn't damage my face. What it did take from me was a day without pain. I'm in pain every single day of my life in various degrees. It took me away from my friends and community that I knew at the time, and it coincided with the dissolution of my parents already volatile marriage. All of this I was told to be thankful for and to be positive about. I mean I get it, I understand the logic behind the advice, but it never helped me. Rather I felt guilty for feeling bad, or ashamed that I now had a significant leg length discrepancy. I thought how shallow of me to worry about people noticing my limp. But they did notice and I did feel ashamed. Or all the countless Dr visits where I was promised a complete cure but never got.
From low moods, I learned to comfort myself with food, copious amounts of it. Not just junk food, but everything just to fill the void. What void? I don't even know, but I've been told countless times from therapy to online blogs and forums to find out the root cause. I know what it is and I'm still messed up. I'm tired of searching for the why because I already know. I just don't want to live like this anymore.
I don't want this to be my identity.