Mother’s Day Struggles

[CandiceB83]

This is my first post here. I’m diagnosed with bipolar, depression, and anxiety. My husband is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My father died from early onset Huntington’s disease at 39. My husband and I have been together for over 12 years, and we decided that it would be best for us not to have children. It wasn’t a tough decision to make at 22, but at 35, it’s become a struggle. My sister had a baby 3 months ago, and all the nurturing insticts flared in me. Mother’s Day is hard for me, and my husband bought me a Mom’s Day present from our dog, which has triggered me. I’ve spoken to my therapist about this at length, but the hole in my heart is gaping today. I don’t know that there is anything that anyone can say, but I have to put words to my feelings. I am hurting and longing for something I will never have.

[everyrose]

Hi Candice,

Sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. It sounds like such a tough position to be in. Have you been able to tell your husband how you are feeling at the moment? How do you both feel about the decision you made together at 22?

Hope that you find a way to get through this hurt and please do talk to us here if it helps to put things into words.

[CandiceB83 in reply to everyrose]

I feel like we made the right decision for us, but as my biological clock has started screaming at me, it’s tougher to face the reality of the fact that I will never have children. I’ve thought about adoption, but it presents the same issues as having our own child. If I became terminally ill with Huntington’s, I wouldn’t want to leave my husband alone with a baby. His illness is very well managed, but faced with my loss, I don’t feel comfortable with the consequences of leaving him as a single parent. It’s a rough pill to swallow, and Mother’s Day just forces it down my throat.

[everyrose in reply to CandiceB83]

It's rubbish to have Mother's Day there as a reminder 😔

You mentioned that your sister has recently had a baby. Do you get to spend time with her?

[CandiceB83 in reply to everyrose]

Yes, I spend a good amount of time with her and my nephews. I love them wholeheartedly. I volunteer for an organization I’m passionate about and have a new job I’m enjoying. I’m leaning into my faith and am grateful that my meds are worked out. Really, I’m getting along pretty well, I just got thrown for a loop today. Thanks for talking to me about it.

[everyrose in reply to CandiceB83]

No worries. Always really happy to talk. Hope today has not been too hard for you.