I’m having a hard time making eye contact and keeping up conversations.

[Rhe-bee]

I work as server ( literally the scariest job in the world to me) as I thought I should face my fears and maybe get used to being around people. It seems my anxiety has gotten worse since starting the job almost a year ago. I can barely make eye contact with customers, I hope and pray that every table decides not to converse with me and when they do, I find my head goes blank on what to say next. Same with friends and aquaintences. Anytime I get a party with 5 or more people I begin to panic and stress big time, which is a problem as we are understaffed and busy, so I can’t always back down from a table. I look around and see that my co workers get a long very well and I am often by myself and try to stay away from conversation as to not embarrass myself. As soon as I approach a person, I automatically assume they are picking out my worst flaws, I pay way too much attention to where their eyes are reverting to on my face or possibly body and out comes all the negative webs of thoughts, streaming in my head and I cannot focus. I often get very angry or irritated at the smallest of things, and then my mood will be happy and uplifted within the next minute or so and same vice versa. People often tell me I look mean, and uninterested so not many people approach me. In reality I’m extremely sweet and goofy. It’s just that my fear has become overwhelming and I get very defensive easily. And when people do approach me, I’m often hoping that they leave me be soon so that I can feel more comfortable. Which is contradicting since I long to be with others. My life doesn’t feel real sometimes, And to make it worse, I’ve deleted all forms of social media so that I am not connected to anyone as I feel it’s all pointless. A lot of times I just want something bad to happen to me so I can stop suffering and leave this world. As much as I love my family, I’ve shut most of them out as I’ve had a very hurtful child hood growing up. I’ve dealt with emotional and physical abuse at home paired with bullying in school growing up. A lot of the bullying was from adults, even in high school. Parents of my drill team at the time, really loved to talk about me and how they wished I quit the team so they’re daughters could have a chance at a good dance part. And all I wanted was to be loved and accepted. I lost everyone of my friends when I was diagnosed with Anorexia my senior year so I recovered alone, and I don’t think I ever got back the part of me that I lost during it. My life feels like it’s stuck in this one spot and that I am incapable of producing anything amazing in any way. I hate almost everything about me, I wish I could see more clearly.

[Landmk]

Hi Wow,, well done on facing your fears, That’s very brave,, I find when I listen to my own head it makes me feel stupid and ugly, so when my head starts I simply say shut up and carry on I find this has helped me. You’re story really helped me not too give up,, please stick on in there ur more than good enough, Mental health is a hard one people don’t know what someone else is going through,, I have been suffering with depression this last week, and all I’ve done is hind away..

very best wishes 😊

[Rhe-bee in reply to Landmk]

Thank you for the kind words, I’m happy my experience is helping you not give up. And you’re right, I should tell my brain to be quiet in those moments and not let me judge my own self. It’s always said that you are your own worst enemy, so I guess it makes sense that we judge ourselves too harshly.

I really hope things start to lighten up for you as well, we all deserve to have our peace . You keep on goin’ too and don’t hide your wonderful self

[ShellW18]

I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I just want to say you are such a strong person. After everything you are still fighting. Try to keep faith that things will get better. I feel like you described most of my feelings in your post and i feel better from just knowing I'm not the only one. Thankyou for sharing