I have borderline personality disorder as well as a couple other diagnoses, but the borderline is really what has me worked up tonight. I was talking with a friend earlier, for once being honest about my hopelessness and my lack of will to live except when it comes to sparing others the grief of my passing, and her response triggered a sort of attack that spiraled out of control. To be completely fair, I knew she was exhausted at the time so I really shouldn’t have bothered her with something so intense. But she is my best friend for over 10 years so I thought she would be able to handle it. Apparently I was wrong. Her reaction, or at least what I perceived as her reaction was to say that she didn’t like when I had these feelings because she is really trying to surround herself consciously with positive people and she doesn’t want my negativity to bring her down.
That’s when alarm bells starting going off, abandonment issues spiked, my stomach dropped out of me, in that moment I felt like whatever she may say next would be the end of our friendship, so we changed the subject and moved on and shortly afterwards I left her company and went home. Meanwhile- fast forward 7 hours and the storm that started has spiraled completely out of control.
I guess what I really want to explain is that I am in emotional agony every day. Any bit of functioning I am able to do is the result of battling with myself. I have given up hope a long time ago. After 12 hospitalizations and 5 major suicide attempts, not to mention countless hours of therapy and treatment (and countless med combos), there is no fight left in me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no danger and intend to keep living beyond at least the immediate future, but the only reason I don’t let myself sink to that place is because I don’t want to hurt those who care about me.
That leaves me with 2 questions, if they care, why do they refuse to support and validate me when I feel safe enough to actually be honest with them, leaving me isolated and fighting all on my own. And most importantly, why is my pain and suffering just to keep my head above water less important than their possible grief were I to give in and give up for good. Why is it so important to prevent their pain when every day I am struggling and drowning with my own pain.
No one ever answers that last question. They are too scared of admitting their own selfish motives and at the same time don’t want me to interpret whatever they do say as permission to stop fighting.
But I am so tired of fighting.