Struggling and alone

[edoyle116]

I have borderline personality disorder as well as a couple other diagnoses, but the borderline is really what has me worked up tonight. I was talking with a friend earlier, for once being honest about my hopelessness and my lack of will to live except when it comes to sparing others the grief of my passing, and her response triggered a sort of attack that spiraled out of control. To be completely fair, I knew she was exhausted at the time so I really shouldn’t have bothered her with something so intense. But she is my best friend for over 10 years so I thought she would be able to handle it. Apparently I was wrong. Her reaction, or at least what I perceived as her reaction was to say that she didn’t like when I had these feelings because she is really trying to surround herself consciously with positive people and she doesn’t want my negativity to bring her down.

That’s when alarm bells starting going off, abandonment issues spiked, my stomach dropped out of me, in that moment I felt like whatever she may say next would be the end of our friendship, so we changed the subject and moved on and shortly afterwards I left her company and went home. Meanwhile- fast forward 7 hours and the storm that started has spiraled completely out of control.

I guess what I really want to explain is that I am in emotional agony every day. Any bit of functioning I am able to do is the result of battling with myself. I have given up hope a long time ago. After 12 hospitalizations and 5 major suicide attempts, not to mention countless hours of therapy and treatment (and countless med combos), there is no fight left in me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no danger and intend to keep living beyond at least the immediate future, but the only reason I don’t let myself sink to that place is because I don’t want to hurt those who care about me.

That leaves me with 2 questions, if they care, why do they refuse to support and validate me when I feel safe enough to actually be honest with them, leaving me isolated and fighting all on my own. And most importantly, why is my pain and suffering just to keep my head above water less important than their possible grief were I to give in and give up for good. Why is it so important to prevent their pain when every day I am struggling and drowning with my own pain.

No one ever answers that last question. They are too scared of admitting their own selfish motives and at the same time don’t want me to interpret whatever they do say as permission to stop fighting.

But I am so tired of fighting.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi edoyle16, thank you for your post and it is positive that you are sharing this with us. It must have been difficult for you to share these feelings with your friend, and when she said she did not want your negativity "to bring her down" this may have made you feel more isolated. I am sure your friend does care, but she may not have felt able to support you emotionally at that time, perhaps due to having some issues of her own to cope with. This does not mean she does not care. Do you have family and other friends who could provide support? Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to see your GP and ask for some more support, perhaps some more therapy would help you? If you are from the UK and are feeling distressed, please call The Samaritans--

Freephone 116 123 [24 hour helpline] 7 days a week

If you are from outside of the UK, please have a look at the pinned posts on the screen where you will see some crisis support helpline numbers. This is a very caring community, so other members may be able to offer more help and advice. Please keep posting. Thank you and best wishes.

[Marz21]

Sorry this happened between you, especially when you had such strength to open up about these important feelings. It's good you've come here to get some help on this though. Being abandoned or feeling abandoned when you need help is so painful. She is possibly going through some new difficulties herself? I've discovered not everyone seems to be able to talk about things or give support or even the right type of support to others with different types of needs, even when they are friends or family, but if you have other friends or family who you can talk to don't let this situation put you off and there are other options. Support here is one I found very helpful but my doctor and Samaritans were others. Thinking of you today.

[Stilltrying_]

It is great that you have a friend of 10 years and I can understand all the pain you are going through *yes really i can and how that latest incident would impact on you with all the distress you already have and the issues over abandonment. I myself have some issues over abandonment. I think I have what they call an "anxious attachment style"; but it is clear if you think about it that if you are friends for 10 years then you have both managed to establish something very long term and cemented. I would be the same as you though if I had opened up and then experienced what would certainly feel from your point of view like a rejection of you as a person ( though as others have stated this was probably sparked by some difficulties of her own and was not in reality a rejection of you but a little bit of emotional vulnerability she was probably feeling herself.) It would send me into blind panic probably at the time and also feelings of anger like you had.

I hope you are feeling a little better today although I know realistically and what you said that you may not be . It can be extremely difficult to get appropriate support I know and I'm guessing that family is probably not that supportive as most often people with borderline will have had a difficult family background. I think though if things settle down with your friend which I'm sure they will then that will be helpful to your mood and you will feel less emotionally triggered again. Please keep us informed how you're doing as we care

Gemmalouise xxx

[edoyle116 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you for your response. And yes we have been friends a long time, but as with past friends, therapists, other relationships etc, they all reach their breaking point. Eventually enough is enough no matter how much history you have together. I mean when I look at my life and future, I have given up, so it would only be reasonable for people I am close with to give up on me as well. If I’m at a point where I’m not trying any more, why should they waste their energy caring about what I don’t.

I did contact my friend today and acknowledge that she was exhausted and probably not able to take the level of conversation I was demanding of her, and she apologized for being blunt and said we could talk about it more when we’re both in a better space.

I also shared some of my thoughts with my therapist, although he won’t be able to respond until I see him on Tuesday because of professional boundaries I’m terrified I’ve overstepped.

The storm has mostly calmed, but the lingering isolation, fear, and anger is still there.

I’m not in danger, I don’t need to go to the hospital. And at the same time I see a very bleak future. And I was doing much better in the moment to moment sort of way until I had a spat with my brother tonight that just opened the floodgates again.

I am too sensitive to these sort of things and they can shove me off kilter so easily.

I’m tired of trying so hard not to offend people with, well basically my attitude towards life.

I’m just going to have another hard night. But thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it