Somebody please help me

[Jamanha]

Ive since I was young was obsessed with bipolar. It was just so mystical, I've always been obsessed with 'going off the rails". It's true, I am depressed, I do have anxiety, and extreme mood swings. But, I seem to want to be bipolar, I know I'm evil and vile for saying that but it allures me. I tend to have idols to the point i mimic them totally, usually britney spears for example, I want to destruct like her, I have no clue why and it makes me devastated. Then I'll switch usually a few weeks or months later to say madonna, then I want to be strong and I want to be free of all of the misery and obsession. I make up characters in my life, ever since I was 10, typically a girl who is Jüst living with her (or should I say MY crush), she's usually the victim, so many bad things happen and have happened, it's a release I guess but I don't know why I'm like this and I feel evil and like I shouldn't deserve to live because of this. One minute I'm convinced I have bipolar, for a reason usually it makes me slightly happy, though still miserable. Then I'm convinced I have bpd and that truly does horrify me, I don't know what's real and I won't get better I know it. Why and what could this be I'm so scared and sad

[Jamanha]

Like I do experience these symptoms of bipolar and depression and anxiety but it's like I make it worse than it is. I'm so lost and so sorry for th way I am

[Suzie40]

I kind of get where you're coming from. I often hope for a diagnosis of BPD. For me, it's not so much a fantasy as a need for closure and an explanation for my symptoms.

[Jamanha in reply to Suzie40]

Omg I'm also like that slightly so I can just know instead of speculating and control it. Hope you get the closure you need x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Jamanha, and welcome to this caring forum. Have you received a diagnosis yet? Please see your family doctor and explain to him /her how you are feeling. [write these feelings down if this helps]. When you are given a diagnosis, you will receive the help and support you need and will then begin to feel better. Are any family members or a trusted

friend able to go with you to the appointment? Please stay on the forum to receive help from other members and remember that you are not alone. Take care, thank you and best wishes.

[Jamanha in reply to MAS_Nurse]

A friend definitely 😁 thanks