NOT COPING VERY WELL TODAY...

[En1234]

Hi!!

Well, what can I say?.. I have been trying really hard to stay as positive as possible in the last month. But today (I dont know if its because I had a really bad dream last night about my old job, or if its a case of the Monday Blues and yet again I am waking up with no job), I woke up and just burst into tears and could not stop. Hard as I try, I cannot seem to let go of the way I am feeling about my ex-workmate. I think I am still feeling really hurt because of what she did to me. This was a woman who had me believe she was a good friend, we had lunches together, we even had wee nights out together as well as worked together in the same room, so to say I was shocked when she went behind my back to bad-mouth me to my boss, is an understatement.

I feel as though I am blaming her for the fact that I left my job, when really I know it was my fault. I didnt HAVE to leave but nor could I endure anymore of the mental torture she inflicted on me ( I should maybe say at this point that when I was 12 I discovered that my father was not my real father and he put my mother through a terrible life. He would constantly fall out with her and not speak to her for days on end, the silence in our house and the atmosphere was terrible. He would also do the same to me - not my brother, just me!! Obviously I was not "his blood" and this made me realise that this was the reason he was doing it to me and not my brother). Anyway, whenever someone does this to me now it takes me right back to those days and I just cant cope with it. She did this to me for 3 weeks after she spoke to my boss about me and if you can imagine, our desks were pushed together and we were sat facing each other and were only about 2 feet apart. Every time I looked up from my computer I saw her face, and god forgive me but I just wanted to punch her for what she was doing to me!! I am really upset typing this but I wish I could get rid of this feeling of utter hatred for this person. I DONT want to feel like this but dont know how to get it out of my head. I keep beating myself up for not being strong enough to stand up to her (although she did not speak to me she was actually inflicting on me a form of mental bullying). I do sometimes wish I was still in my job but could never work beside her again. I am feeling so confused today.

I have tried everything in my power to get a new job. In the last month I have registered with 3 different Employment Agencies, I have had one interview (although I didnt get the job), I have actually walked into 2 places and asked for their e-mail address and sent my CV to them (and no reply as yet). On Friday I composed a letter and attached my CV to it and went through the Yellow Pages A to Z of Solicitors in my area and the next town and e-mailed everyone of them. I am online every day applying for whatever I can and I have had 3 days experience temping in an office not far from home. I feel I have exhausted every avenue now and dont know what else to do. I keep seeing "her" face sitting in that office and getting on with her day and probably not even giving me a second thought and I am sitting here in bits because I have allowed my life to become this mess!!

Im so sorry for this rant but just need to get this off my chest!!

XXXXX.....I hope tomorrow I will feel differently!! XXXXX

(If your reading this, thank you for taking the time as I know it is pretty lengthy!!)

XXXXXXXXX

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello En1234. I can see from other posts that you are going through a tough time right now. However, it's still early days. Treat yourself gently and as you say yourself maybe you will feel differently tomorrow. You're doing your very best and you're applying for jobs. We will do our best to support you here but in the meantime, it might be good to speak to the Samaritans on Freephone 116 123 for another source of support.

Please keep in touch.

[Stilltrying_]

I agree with MAS-Nurse. It is still early days and you are still suffering the shock after effects of this betrayal, added to which as you say it has triggered memories of earlier times in your life; so the feeling will be magnified by those earlier experiences.

Time will lessen these feelings though I know you don't think so right now.

I can tell from your posts that you are a strong woman. I hope that venting has helped a little and please feel free to do so whenever you want. You will get another job in good time and I do believe that in a few months you will have bounced back from this and be the same strong successful and caring individual that you always were without this (rightful) extreme anger at the injustice done to you. That's lucky for all the good people who meet you as I am sure you would make a really worthwhile and great friend.

Sending hugs, Gemmalouise Xx

[En1234 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you! I feel much better now that I have had a good cry, a nice bubble bath, a cup of tea and a given myself a talking to. On a positive note, although I am still having some bad days, the good days are now starting to outweigh the bad ones, so thats hopeful.

Its not good for you to carry about that much dislike and I dont like myself for it but if I could reach inside my own head and physically remove it then I would. I was a good friend to her too and thats another thing that is galling, the fact that I was honest about my friendship towards her, whereas she obviously had her own agenda.

I need to just try and keep the faith and hopefully things will change soon!

Sending you a hug straight back and hope you too are OK today.

XXXXX

[HUanon]

I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I can only say that the realisation that others won’t necessarily share the same values as you is a very tough one to come to terms with. I feel disappointed by people ALL the time but there are definitely good, kind people out there too and it’s worth holding on to them. Reminding myself to be grateful for small mercies distracts me from being angry and hurt. It’s a full time job though, I won’t lie. Best wishes & good luck in that job search.

[En1234]

Thank you so very much for your kind comment. I know there are lots of really genuine, good/nice people out there ( and I think I have met a lot of them are on this site already!).

Getting so many positive responses on here is so reassuring and I am grateful.

I am sure I am going to have a better day today and am online looking for jobs. I have been able to apply for a couple so far, so fingers crossed.

I will keep you posted and thank you again.

I hope you too have a good day today!! XXXX