Finally seeking out

[zee1001]

I wouldn’t say I’ve had a perfect life. I’ve grown in a good family and have had good friends although there’s a twist.

When I was in grade 8 I lost 6 really good friends in a car accident and that broke me. What 13 year old goes to 6 funerals for their friends.

A year past by and the next summer I lost my bestfriend in another car accident and the sad part is I was at the lake and got a text from her saying come over I need to talk to you before I leave (she was going to a rodeo) and I didn’t have any service but the day before she passes away I got a little bit of service and I got her text and I didn’t text her back because I thought I’d see her when I got back but no I didn’t.

The next day I was having lunch at my camper with my family and 8 of my brothers friends, and 3 of my best friends pull up and I got so excited that they came to see me but when I ran up to them they were like no we need to tell you something and they said my friends name and I knew instantly what happened I turned around and dropped to my knees in the middle of the road screaming at the top of my lungs saying “not again” and my dad rushed around the corner and asked what happened and he hugged me so tight and I could see he broke for me.

So yes I was 14 and have been to 7 of my friends funerals.

That’s not all. In 2016 my brother went missing and in January 2017we had a police officer knock on our door saying they have found my brother. He was found in a park buried in snow and I mean this is my breaking point and I just don’t get why this is happening to me. The thing that bugged me the social media the reporters anything that had to do with news because the things they said and told the world some of the details would just be wrong and to be apart of that broke me even more because I know but I can’t match up with the news. I had reporters Facebook messaging me for details the day they released the news came out. They didn’t give us any time of grieving.

What I’m getting at is I am so lost and no one in my life even knows that I’m not okay because I hide it everyday.

[Jjlinx]

You’ve been through so much I’m so sorry at times of loss it can be easy to act strong for other people or because you’re embarrassed to show your emotions but your feelings are important & I think they need to come out so you can heal. I think you need to just keep going, don’t expect too much of yourself, just the little things you achieve you should be really proud of cos it isn’t easy. The losses you have suffered may never feel ok but at least the pain should ease with time. Whenever you feel you wana talk, be it a family member, friend or stranger on a helpline I think you should go for it & don’t be embarrassed, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

[DragonTears]

Hey Zee,

You know, I actually just sat here a good 10 minutes just processing what you just told me....i mean...it is just so big and impossible to even take in right now. I am 36 and I have only buried 1 close relative and she was really old, so I have no idea what it feels like to lose someone close...and to lose as many as you have at that age (not that any age makes it any easier) well...I am lost for words. I suppose there are so many cliche things to say, maybe even religious worn out old one-liners like "god works i mysterious ways" or "everything happens for a reason". Well I am certainly not going to throw those in your face as I bet you have heard them all and none actually help. I often find when these types of things are said, people are just uncomfortable and want you to get over it so that they don't have to feel awkward around you. The thing is though...how do you "get over" something like this? How do you have a normal life and feel happiness when these tragic events are with you and weigh you down? Well, the answer is you don't do it alone. This is not something you should have to carry inside you on your own. You need to release the knot inside and find peace with yourself and the departed. We are always here to listen, but you really need some professional guidance and advice. Even if you did receive some crisis help at the time or the school offered you something, if you are not feeling any better, you need to get more help. There is no correct time to feel better or a pre-set timeline for you to "get over" this. It can only happen in your own time when you are ready to find a new way of going forward. I just want to say (and this may sound a nit like the old cliches) that you have nothing to do with these tragic events, you are not the common denominator and you do not attract death. This is something your brain may think as it needs to explain these events...but logic is not always the best answer. In this case, your brain is wrong and although it may seem like there is a pattern here, there isn't. People die every day in the most horrible, sad and unnecessary ways imaginable, leaving thousands of survivors behind feeling responsible, when they are not. It is a part of grieving to try and explain what happened and take on guilt. It is not fair to you and it should not affect you to the point where you feel you can't function. yes, you will always feel a pang of sadness whenever you think of the events and the people you lost, that's fine and to be expected, you miss them and the life you could have had with these people, but it is not OK that it weighs you down quite as much as you describe. Please get more help, speak and be open about it with your family and friends, if you can. Don't suffer alone. We are all here for you! Take Care X

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi zoe1001 and welcome to the forum. As Jjlinx and DragonTears have posted, you have been through so much and if you are not feeling any better, you need to get more help. It is true that this can only happen in your own time and also when you feel ready to move forward. It may be a good idea to visit your GP who will be able to arrange some help and support for you, and talk to your family and friends. Remember that you are not alone. Do stay on the forum where you will be supported by other members. Take care, best wishes.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi zee1001, I am sorry I posted Zoe rather than Zee. Sorry about this. Best wishes.