2018 aint beating me ... to many bruises already.

[Ghostonmars]

I am looking forward to what this year brings , work,holidays,romance,love..open to new experiences and emotions..i have bad days with depression but i also have good days not often ,but they do exist...i have days when i just cant do it any more ,the loneliness the feeling of i am the only one who cares what happens to me.. i try to smile and talk with others but its like i am in self destruct mode and push people away ( not intentionaly) depression does not want me to have friends ..cant have a relationship with any one , or may be just have not meet my soul mate yet who is going to give me unconditional love and understanding...did not ask for this ,cant give in either.. if i do its game over .. and i am a beautiful person who has alot to give...so 2018 is going to be an adventure...it is a big world and i have to get out there and enjoy it....make new memories..thanx again for this site and the people who use it...luv u guys ...peace

[Louisthecat]

I can so relate to what you say. I’ve lost trust in people and now see every fault they have - maybe it’s a defence mechanism as I was hurt so badly. I have moved on and now earn a living in a way that suits my condition but it’s not secure and that worries me. I too want todo more things but I just feel safer at home and have become a coach potato - not good. My next focus is dealing with that. As I can only deal with one project at a tome - ironic really as I used to be a journo and project mgr working to tight deadlines and juggling. Now it takes me all my time to sort a few papers out 🤯

I get down often in fact most days too and I try to see the positive points remembering what it was like when I was abused and appreciating my freedom from that. I do want to run throughthe corn on a sunny day - that’s an image from an old tv ad and the woman looked so happy 🤩

[Ghostonmars in reply to Louisthecat]

Not sure if u got last text...can i join u on run through corn...i have forgotten what happy feels like ...i say alot of words but putting into actions is another thing...i try to remain positive but depression keeps stalking me .. i to struggle to go out..i am a grown man and feel safer in my flat than on road...i cry sometimes i dont know why just do..

[Louisthecat in reply to Ghostonmars]

Yes of course you can it must be achievable. I work hard on my thoughts as I know that it’s down to my perspective and you see it a lot people nowadays who don’t have bad lives but they’re just not happy. I keep saying if I get this... if I get to this point...I’ll be happy but the years are passing and I’m just wasting my time I know that. When u read think and grow rich it gave me a lot of enthusiasm but it’s not sustained. Do you work? Have you joined any mental health Meetup groups?

[Ghostonmars in reply to Louisthecat]

No job at the moment ...i use to be a high earner but lost all of that...not in any mental group...just one man army... u can be rich in health,life,relationships or money ..depends what makes u happy i suppose..i just want to be happy and have life...

[AjMiki]

Ghostonmars - I understand your pain and with that the annoyance and despair that follows when the same old continues, and all down to the state of mind. I have 'episodes' of this mental health issue called chronic depression, so when it attacks it's usually at my most vulnerable and when I'm feeling down through a situation or just sheer loneliness.

However, I have a determination that is inbuilt within that makes me continue in life, to continue my work, my sports, my gym, my social life, my own life. with that I've slowly been turning a big big corner and starting to not only like myself, but love and care for me...do you know who loses out here? Depression, I never feel depressed doing the things that I love, and I'm 45 single who use to rely on others for the last 20 years to validate my life, and I provided the lovely house, cars, holidays and so on! Not anymore, I had to start from Rock Bottom 2 years ago and that was the best thing that happened to me.

You say this year is going to be your year, January is 21 days in so far, have you done anything to make those small steps yet?

If not, can I support what Louis said about looking for a social or therapy group, or both to not only discuss things but distract you from the norm of routine thinking and start opening your mind to fresh ideas and experiences. A job in the not so distant future is also a great idea, daunting and challenging I agree, but something simple to start with will benefit you no end, not to mention your bank account! Go see your GP or a close friend you confide in, tell them your plans and intentions, it really helps talking these projects through in addition to acting on them.

If this is going to be your year, then your post this time next year should be very different my friend.

[Ghostonmars in reply to AjMiki]

I understand what u are saying...like i said i have no support asked about it from different sources and got no feed back. (Gov) i have recently been housed as previous i was homless...i am happy and pleased that you are doing well for yourself .(some people are stronger than others ).i have no family or friends who i can confide in...i try to live a normal life..i live about 30 mins from civilisation ..i have had alot of bad things happen to me mental as well as physical and unless u have been down same road as me its hard to explain....some wounds dont heal...there are many causes of my mental state ...i try to make a change every day but takes time ...i cant guarante i will be in a better place next time i have a post but i am trying..

[AjMiki]

I understand Ghost, my point is to try and encourage and support you as you are clearly moving forward which is fantastic. You are correct that no one can understand anyone's past history resulting in their mental health problems and associated illnesses, only I know my own story and ultimately only I will ever know the true feelings for that story past and present.

From what I read, Your doing great mate, I know the UK assistance on MH is shocking and unless you have a few quid to spare your in game of wait and see...not helpful in any way, that's why I would just say keep being proactive, your 30 mins away from civilisation as you say...that's not all that long to be away from your next small step.

Good luck mate.

[Ghostonmars in reply to AjMiki]

Thank you for kind words....i apologise if i come over as hostile in words just i have had to conquer alot and dont trust people...i use to drive and hope to have that privilege back..i do go out to food shop when i can..i am an active person when not in presents of my condition...thank you for encouragment...stay blessed

[Louisthecat]

It’s so hard is t it? We’re all climbing the mountain and sometimes stumbling backwards. It’s so important to have someone to talk to I have my son although he’s not the most patient and most of my friends will put up with so much then it’s the attitude - “I feel so bad all the time too” and yet they’ve got good lives no money issues and not been through what I have so I avoid talking to them when I’m not feeling good. I don’t speak to most of my family due to an injustice they did to my Mum and I’m not bothered as they don’t have same morals as me so rather stay away. Better to have people around you can trust of course.

If you’re feeling isolated would it be possible to move? Or maybe you’re happy with that lol I do understand! In London there are a couple of mental health groups who are in Meetup, if u live within travelling distance would it be worth a go? There’s also a couple of Facebook groups. I’m in them and they’re supportive too 🤩

[Ghostonmars in reply to Louisthecat]

Thank u for responding and kind words.....i am just happy that i have some where to live..the rest i can deal with...learnt over the years that i am the only one i can trust and i would not lie to me...i have no one really to talk but thats not a problem........born by myself die by my self any thing inbetween is a bonus ...thank u for caring.....