Mental Health Support
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SO WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME?

Hi there!!

I have been thinking about this all morning and wonder what you think? I read something in my book this morning which said:

"You can get the measure of a man by the number of friends he has"

To me, this means if you have lots of friends then obviously you must be a really "great" person. This made me feel really sad today because on reflection I was only able to count that I had 2 friends!!

Last year I gave up alcohol as I knew it was becoming a problem, (big problem) for me and I have heard that when people give up alcohol they usually have to give up certain "friends". I didn't give up any of my friends, but they gave up me!!

I no longer get invited to functions and parties, nights out etc and was told "We just didn't think you would want to come because you don't drink anymore"...I told them I would still love to be invited because it doesn't bother me to not drink. I have not had a drink in months now and am totally comfortable sitting in pubs etc because I can join in without alcohol. (My 2 good friends told me I am a much nicer person, a better laugh and great company without it.....apparently when I drank too much I became very withdrawn, quite cheeky, boring and a pain in the behind!!..Now only your GOOD friends will tell you this!!)

Since this has been said there have been other outings which I have still not been asked to which has saddened me. The intelligent person would not invite a diabolical drunk to an function, this I can understand, but to not want to invite someone because they are now capable of conducting themselves with some self-respect and NOT want to get into a drunken state??? This I cannot get my head around.

In my last place of work, (before I left) I thought I had friends there too until one of them turned on me in the most unexpected of ways and resulted in me no longer working there (you would need to read my first post to understand that one!!).

All in all this year, I have had to let people go from my life and I am left my with my 2 friends, who love me whatever way I am and are ALWAYS there for me as I am for them!!

So to "Get the measure of a man by the number of friends he has" shook me...I only have 2 friends and I consider myself to be a good person. What does this say about me then?

I would be interested to hear what you think??

Just a bit confused and down about this!!

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19 Replies
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I think that if you can count two really good friends, then that would be the average. Some people have no close friends. I think I have one or two. You're normal!!!! And well done on giving up the booze xxxxx

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Thank you!! There has been a lot happening over the last year but I am really proud of the fact that I've managed to deal with everything without reaching for the booze. I am just a bit disappointed that I have become "disposable"??....But then again I am better without people who cant now accept me for how I am... I need to look after me and I'm not going to sit bevvying just to fit in.....

Thanks for your message and I hope you are OK today too!!

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Thank you for your kind wishes EN1234. Yes i'm ok today thanks xxx

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I don't think the number of 'friends' you have bears any correlation to the type of person you are. Some people are happiest in their own company; others like company but the constraints of their lives make it difficult to keep in touch with people. I don't have that many real friends but I have plenty of people I would happily chat to.

There are lots of ways you can meet people if it's what you want, but I think true happiness begins at home. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can look to find it anywhere else.

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I'm so glad you said this Suzie40 and I am grateful to you for your message.

I love my own company, even as a wee girl I was always happy with my own company. I just felt "pushed out" by people I thought were my mates but like I said to Still Trying on here, I don't want friends who only want me as a drinking buddy. My health (not to mention my bank balance) are in far better shape these days!!..

It was just this statement I read this morning for some reason seemed to stick with me. I know its silly...I am so grateful to have two really good friends....

My glass seems to be half full at the moment and for this I am really thankful!!

Thanks again!!

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When I moved to this area over 20 years ago I made some very close friends and we all spent a lot of time together and had some great times. Then one of them moved and slowly the others moved on to and I haven't seen them for ages now. It was nearly always me who made the effort and now I can't be bothered with them any more.

I finally decided to move on too and have been busy making new friends though I don't think they will ever be a close as my others ones were. My two best friends live in other areas now and while we keep in touch I need local friends too.

I do find I have all types of friends and think this is fairly normal. I have situational friends ie when I go to certain places, others I meet sometimes just for a coffee, local people I like and chat to etc. One or two of them might become closer friends. x

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Thank you for this!!

Having thought about this again I now know that it is probably just my turn to move on....I would never ignore any of my old friends but realise that they probably don't think that I "fit" in with them anymore, which is fair enough.

I start my new job next month and hopefully I will meet some new people there.

I hope life is being kind to you.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. Always appreciated!!

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I always said that it's better to have 1 or 2 best friends, than a group of fake friends. As long as your happy, who cares?! You beat your addiction, which really isn't easy and you should feel good about yourself for that. Most people only have one really close friend, but you are lucky enough to have 2! I hope this helps :)

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Lots of help!! Thank you. I'm glad I asked for opinions on this. I don't feel so bad now!!

Than you!!

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I think you being sober shows up your so called friends. Perhaps they know they have drinking issues.?? Good on you.

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It was getting to the stage where every night out I went to I was the one who was getting the phone calls the next day to tell me what I had done, what I had said, who I had offended and I just thought on that last day "No more!!".....And since that day I have had no more.. I tried AA but it just didnt work for me. I have other ways of dealing with it and I have sober friends. I have self-help books and if I ever feel myself weakening (which is never often I have to admit), I will pick up my book and read a chapter. Get my boots on and go for a walk or cast my mind back to the way I used to be and CRINGE!!....

I think they that THEY think I have "gotten above myself" now, but that is so not the case. They are the ones who have turned their backs on me. The difference is that I can feel good about myself these days and yes I can hold my head up when I am out and about.....

I actually like myself again!!

Thanks for your message and I hope you have a great day!!

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That saying is a matter of opinion! A true friend is a rare find. Most people don’t have anymore true friends than you do. I know I don’t. I think your awesome just by what your doing to better yourself. Some people are not worth being friends with. If they don’t need a designated driver then they sure got a lot of faith in that bottle. Don’t listen to everything you read. I would rather have one true friend than 10 who only want to drink with me. Those are not friends. That saying can also be looked at in a different way. Too many friends (as they call it) could measure the man in a negative way. So in your case and my case; the fewer the better. That says good things about us!!!

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Very wise!! Thank you for this. I have looked at this from another angle now and your right!! Its a bit like Facebook (I don't do Facebook - can't stand it). I've heard people say "I have 520 Friends on Facebook"...But I bet the Postman doesn't deliver 520 Birthday Cards to them on that day. And Facebook Happy Birthdays are not the same has having an actual card someone choosen, bought a stamp for and went to the bother of posting!!

Thanks again. Very helpful!!

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Hi Eb1234, I am sorry that you are going through this. First congratulations for giving up alcohol. People that no longer want to see you by using the first excuse they can find were never your friends to begin with. Because friends wouldn’t do that. I agree with those who wrote its better to have 1 or 2 good friends than a bunch of fake friends. I never heard of that saying - the one I heard is “tell me who you go out with and I will tell you who you are”, meaning tell me who your friends are and I can tell you what you are like.

It is their loss - you are hurt now because they no longer invite you. But they have lost someone who would be there for them, you - a loyal friend. The day they realise that it might be too late.

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Thank you for this. I probably am just licking my wounds at the moment.

Its so difficult when you are trying to give something up. Alcohol was NOT my friend, so I have got rid of it. But when you are trying and you are struggling it is your friends you turn to for support, you dont expect them to scarper. Funny enough, I dont miss those nights out although they probably do miss me as I was their entertainment no doubt on many an occasion. I am glad I have chosen a better way of life now because I now have a great relationship with my family and my son. My son is 19 years old and into all things healthy. He goes to the gym, watches his diet, drinking is not something he wants to do. I have obviously taught him that it is a horrible thing when you overdo it. I made the decision to stop when AT LAST I admitted to myself that I cant just have one or two. None is best!!..For me that is!!

Thank you so much for your post. Really appreciate it!!

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oh man,

I totally don't get this, form of optimism, you are ok based on what friends you have,

I really don't like people, I tolerate them.

so if something social happens I assume its to down with my outlooks

'you are not my friend we are just doing this one off'

if anyone breaks my rule they are usually a tool or an idiot. its a good way to live no friends just people you meet and don't want to be involved with, I mean I used to have friends when they were constructive under 16 but now most people are just annoying and try to manipulate the relationships. They really are not worth any time.

WHY BOTHER, after a certain age all friends turn to idiots and fools. There's just no point, tell people to go home, tell them to not call you, basically be anti social you can still have family. When your family is dead you can have a relationship family. Why not develop a relationship with your family, they can help you, your 'friends' are not going to help you.

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Everyone is different and I DO like people. The fact is, I assumed I had a lot of friends, but they were not, they were really only ever drinking buddies (or at least that is obviously all I was to them) and when I decided this was not the way I wanted to live my life they disappeared. Not one of them wants to come to my flat to have a cup of tea, if it does not have alcohol in it they are not interested. But it was OK for them to come and go whenever the fancy took them when I was drinking!!

But your dead right about the family relationships. I have a great relationship NOW with my family because I don't drink and I would far rather have them than these "fair-weather friends".

Your opinion was really interesting and I really appreciate the time you took to post it. At then end of the day I suppose the only person you can rely on not to let you down is yourself!!

Thank you so much and hope you are having a good day today!!

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I am in the same predicament though I am a mother and my close friends just seem to be my family as they are the only ones that have been there for me. Over the years friends just seemed to not stay in touch with me despite how good and loyal a friend I was. The patterns always persist, make friends things hits off I am there for the advice and so on even financially and still end up alone. I really affected me to the point I have feel I have turned inwardly. I just want a friend a true friend or people apart from my family. I was thinking the church could be another avenue to make friends. I don't know I fell confused and plus going to be 31 next month...I feel screwed.

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D'u know I woke up this morning feeling really strong and decided that if I have 2 good friends (which I have, although one of them I don't see that often) then that is enough for me.

I really should not be so hard on myself and today I looked at all the positives in my life. I am a single mum of 51. My son is 19 years old and a lovely lad. He has never brought trouble to my door and despite being really badly bullied when he was in High School, he left at 16, got a college course going and found himself a job as well.. He has 2 really good close friends also and they see one another quite often. I am so proud of him (and so should be proud of me for him turning out the way he has). I have worked full-time since I was 16 and this is the first time I have ever been unemployed although I start my new job next month. I have always been financially independent and to be honest, just independent. I don't need anyone as long as I am paying my own way and looking after my boy.

If people want me in their lives then that's fine (as long as its what I want too!!).

The person who is happy and confident in their own skin is the person who does not need to rely on anyone else for happiness.

I am happy, healthy, strong and independent. I live my life the way I want to. (Nobody can say they are never going to drink alcohol ever again, so I am not going to be that cocky, but right now I am in control and I know that it is not going to happen any time soon)

Please don't worry. You have loads of time and loads of life. YOU be in control of your destiny. If you think the church is the way to go, then go for it. Do what makes YOU happy and bugger everybody else. Its crap when you have been there for people and when you need someone you get a boot in the teeth!!....I've been there too and I'm sure lots of other people have to. You are definitely not alone there...

I,ve said on here that sometimes the only person you can really rely on is yourself!! Be your own true friend!!!

You sound like a really nice person.

Keep your head and your chin up!!

Lots of love and hugs to you today!!

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