Is something wrong with me?

[bmilb]

I have been seeing a doctor for almost a year with my initial concern being anxiety. I am taking meds for my anxiety and for the most part they work, but I'll have moments where I break and my fears overwhelm me. I find that I fear going out to social events (not for school though because it's routine), I fear leaving the house because people look at me in disgust (especially in the summer when I am not covered as much), and I have overall low self-esteem that relates to my fears.

I get most anxious about seeing other people, but mostly them seeing me. When people look at me, I get really uncomfortable because I fear the judgements the person looking at me is making. The idea of people looking at me/thinking about me/talking about me, makes me nervous because I feels like it can only be negative.

In time when I panic (usually crying for a few hours, having chest pain, and not knowing why I am scared), I think about how much I hate myself, how my life isn't right, and that I will ultimately amount to nothing. Things that I am upset about are usually my weight, my appearance (structurally and things I can't change), my intelligence, and my awkwardness.

I feel like something is wrong with me, both in that my fears are a reality and that I fears these things at all. What do I do?

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Bmlib

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time.

Could you tell us how old you are ? We would also like you tell us more about you and if you have anyone to talk with?

You may want to go back to your doctor and explain more about how you are feeling. The doctor can put you in touch with people who can offer more support. You can also go to someone at you school like a teacher or school nurse if you have one.

Some of your feelings are very natural and so difficult to cope with, so talking often helps. You may find that talking with a friend or family member helps.

This is a supportive community so our members may want to offer you more support too.

You can also contact MIND at mind.org.

You may find more information in the pinned posts and topics.

Please tell us more and keep in touch.

[bmilb in reply to MAS_Nurse]

I am 17 years old. I have people to talk to but its always hard for me to explain. My family is in disarray, mainly because my parents have been fighting. My mom can be very kind but also very cruel to me verbally. Because she goes back and forth with how she speaks to me, its hard to feel safe with her (I never know when she'll be mad for no reason).

My mom blames me for a lot of her problems and everything I do is somehow wrong. I was so scared to go home because I don't feel safe with myself because when I am home it's almost like I'm waiting to get in a fight with my mom or cry. Usually when I cry its about my mom saying something mean (like I never do anything right or I'm a failure), but the most common thing she says, "Makes sense why no one likes you." She either refers to my friends and other girls at school or boys.

Today was especially hard because I cried on my way home and thought about what the world would be like without me. If I were to die, all I can think is that my family would be disappointed in me for giving up and that they invested money in my life but I wasted it. I can't see a world were people morn my death if I were dead, but rather being angry at me.

When I write this down I feels like this can't be real.

Thank you so much for responding to me.