How can I continue to function?

[Ftea]

I've been struggling with depression since my late teens, it comes and goes with various severity and for varying lengths of time. I'm currently really down; I can't think, I cry all the time, I don't care about ANYTHING and I want to do nothing. Not nothing like lie on the sofa, NOTHING.. like not exist nothing. I want to sleep and not wake up until I feel better. I have problems and stresses, as always, like everyone does but when I feel like this the only solution my brain gives me is death. I'm not going to kill myself but it's upsetting that my usually sparkly, imaginative brain can only come up with that.. come on brain!! Start working!

I know this will pass. My problem is that life doesn't wait for me to get better. I miss out on opportunities, I let people down, I lose jobs, I annoy people who don't understand, and yet again I'm having to move home to recover because I can't function. Left to my own devices I'd be fine in a while but lying on my back, staring at the ceiling doesn't pay the rent.

How can I achieve my full potential with this curse? I spend so much time being depressed and then recovering from it financially and professionally that I feel I'm really falling behind in life. Any suggestions are welcome xx

[gkskfangs]

I'm sorry to know that you're currently feeling very down. Also, sorry I couldn't provide much but some warm hugs, since I'm also trying to get out of the same thing you're currently in. I wish it won't take you long for you to feel better! I hope I could also hear some suggestions because I've tried distracting myself but nothing works too.

[Ftea in reply to gkskfangs]

I'm at the point where I can't even distract myself! Nothing brings any joy. I'm going home next week to stay with family and I'm hoping their love will help but I'm already dreading the hours alone when everyone is at work. I hate being so weak and needing someone to hold my hand because I'm normally so independent. I've just started back on citalopram which reduces your appetite and thank goodness I have some small functioning part of my brain that's still capable of making toast because I wouldn't eat otherwise. I'm like a zombie. I hate feeling like a burden too. As I keep being reminded, I'm nearly 30 and at the moment my future looks bleak, just more cycles of depression and recovery. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a career or a long term partner or children because every so often I end up in this state, unable to move. Thank you for your warm hugs, I hope you have a speedy recovery too. This forum could be a game changer! I went to see a friend before work last night and unloaded how I'm so spaced from the citalopram and dreading work and not eating properly but I feel like a burden constantly! Or like I'm looking for sympathy but I'm not, I just feel so alone in this alienating illness. At least here everyone understands so thank you for your support. Tell me about your experience and how it affects your life and how you try to manage it, I'd love to hear xx

[gkskfangs in reply to Ftea]

I might have some tears in my eyes (excuse me, I'm always so sensitive /sighs/) because I can somehow relate to what you're going on.

I also hate the part of me that yearns for a company even though most of the time I can actually do well alone. I also hate to be a burden to anyone, even to those who cared about me. But I sometimes end up telling them about how I feel and then I'll stop myself and tried to change the topic of the conversation because I was scared I'd come off as clingy or wanting attention. Some of them told me I can go to them whenever I need to rant, but I became more wary of that, thinking they might just be saying that so that they won't become a 'bad friend who doesn't listen'. Sometimes I have the urge to impulsively tell several of my friends about what I'm going through and I'd hear different responses, and each of them, helpful or blunt, affect me (I mean, I reap what I sow, right?). I hate to compare myself to other 24 year-olds who are young as I am but already earning a lot and moving towards their dreams successfully, some are married, some are very happy with their kids.

I can no longer do my hobbies because I can't enjoy them much. So, I've tried to distract myself by filling in my free times going out with my friends, agreeing to every invitation so that I would busy myself interacting. But it was hard because I had to fake smiles and forget that I'm sad. And it gets worse when I started to feel like my friends are ignoring me, while they are just paying attention to other people's stories. But it kind of help bring me away from the problems at hand. I can't stay alone because I'd be thinking of a lot of things, I swear they're awful. I haven't gone to a GP so far, so I don't know much about what's going on with me.

Ah sorry I wrote too long! I'm also going back to my family this weekend, and I hope I'd be able to at least improve myself. I hope you too, could feel better when you're with your family soon! Thanks for hearing me out too. Keep yourself warm and may the days get better! Keep posting too!xx