I just don't know

[Kainan]

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel alone and empty on the inside. Nothing I do brings me any joy. When I'm at work, at school, or at the gym I just feel like a machine, just going through the motions, tolerating things as they come, unable to experience emotion. All I see is black and white; I don't see any color. Now I'm in a deep depression once again, glued to my bed for 16 hours a day and I can't find any reason to get up. All I want is to feel alive again and be happy and to spread that to my family. They are the only two people in my life and I feel like a cancer to them.

[Hidden]

Hi are you on any meds or counselling? If you are maybe you need to change them, if not there must be a counsellor at your school. Have you talked to them? x

[Kainan in reply to Hidden]

Hi. yes I have in fact many times. they eventually point to my psychiatrist and I'm taking the right medication. but it's just been an emotional rollercoster year after year going from functional to dysfunction and then back again. Now I have insomnia again and taking additional medicine. I feel like my brain has changed due to the frequent depression and anxiety that I cannot experience pleasure

[Evelynarnold in reply to Kainan]

Hi there, I know how you feel. I feel the same. Just going through the motions of life!! Not really living! I wish I could change my mind set? It's hard to pretend to family and friends your ok, when really we feel numb. I find keeping busy helps and being needed.im sorry your not sleeping as that really makes it so much worse!! I wish you well and hope the new year brings all you wish for. Best wishes. X

[Kainan in reply to Evelynarnold]

I guess we're in the same boat then. Thank you Evelyn for such kind words.

[Maria1971]

The hardest thing you will ever do is force yourself to recover from depression, once it sets in it eats your very core. I know this may be difficult right now but you must remember the times when you were ok, happy and coping. Try to remember you will have those times again give yourself time to recover. We all want to rush through this period or hope for a quick fix. Apologise to your loved ones they will understand it's easier for me to say sorry for the way that I am than feel I need to be someone that I am not. You are not a cancer to your family this is the way that depression makes us feel. I do not want to feel like a burden to my family, but I know the pain and hurt I would put them through if I were not here, the knowledge of that is not worth the pain I am feeling right now. Going through the motions is a necessary evil right now functioning as normally as we can is difficult but it's what will eventually help us to get better. I would love to stay in bed and not think about the day to day chores I have to complete but I do it because I have children and they need me. I may not be able to laugh or find enjoyment but I can still exist for the ones I love, and that is what keeps me going till I can see the light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel.

Please be strong and I hope you feel better soon. You are never alone xxx

Love and hugs Maria xx

[Kainan in reply to Maria1971]

Thank you so much Maria for such a thorough reply. What you said makes a lot of sense and I really appreciate how direct and honest you are. I've worked with therapists over the years and they've never put it as bluntly as you. Thank you

[Maria1971 in reply to Kainan]

That is probably because most therapists have never suffered like us this is why this site is so important for me it's the only place where I'm truly understood.

You will get through this just believe. I'm always here if you need to keep in touch, just message me xxxx

[Hidden]

Hello, all I can suggest is listed below, it would seem from your lower reply you are having Specialist help

Are you seeing your GP, if you are in mid teens you can make an appointment too visit your GP.

I would generally advise if above is not the case, that you make that appointment, you need some form of support.

Do your family not know what you are going through ?. Sometimes parents will visit the GP with you.

If the problem is family related, or school related you may, need to decide the best way forward. If it is a school problem you need too see your Head Master, take your Mother or Father

We are here for a chat if needed, although there is an age restriction of sixteen on this site. Although I do understand you are being seen at this time, they should be able to control your moods

Good Luck

BOB

[lost2015]

Hi just read your post... I'm on here in hope of something to help my partner .. we just had a beautiful baby and this should be the happiest time of our lives.. instead my partner talks of a dark cloud that takes over his head then he ends up shut of from everyone his patience has gone he has no emotionsmy kind loving partner has disapered this is heart breaking for me to watch as I just don't know what to do... As a partner living through this take my advice your family love you and not letting them be apart of your feelings will hurt them more all I want from my partner is for him to open up weather he cries shouts tells me he's unhappy everyday I just wish he would let me help.

[Kainan in reply to lost2015]

Hi there. thank you for the advice. I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble getting through to your him. I feel the exact same way you have described your partner and every day I just feel so distant from my family that I want to apologize to them. I hope he can come around and find his old self again. You deserve all the love from the man you fell in love with and nothing less. Hugs and best wishes