Hi, I’ve had anxiety, depression and some sort of sleeping disorder for a long time now, I’m 29 and have felt similar to how I feel now since being a young child. Please I am not really looking for sympathy or attention, I have asked a friend and family members for help in the past and got nothing nothing except ignored or laughed at. I genuinely just need some help and advice because I feel like I am slowly going insane. I am currently on no medication, drugs or alcohol.
I remember having bad news as a child in school. I was told that my granddad had been rushed to hospital and might Die, which is when it all started, not being able to sleep, nightmares of losing them when I did and it scared me. I was pretty much brought up by my grandparents. My dad wasn’t about much and put more effort into my younger sister, I didn’t care, I was a nanny’s boy... lol. And my mom used to emotionally and mentally abuse me at times when my parents would argue, which was all the time, they spent more time separated and living apart than together.
I haven’t been diagnosed by a GP, if that’s even how it works. I’ve recently decided enough is enough and gone down that route though, which is quite annoying as it’s murder to make appointments here in Wales, UK. I find it incredibly difficult to sleep no matter how tired physically and mentally I become. So when I finally do sleep any alarms I do set for 8am ( which is the only time you can make an appointment to see a doctor here, and they don’t make appointments in advance apparently) I sleep through.
I have smoked cannabis since the age of 12 which helped at first, it helped make me laugh and smile and feel like a child. Soon after this my older brother from my moms first marriage moved back home, 18 years older than my self. He was a drunk and would regularly give me drugs, cocaine amongst others. And after awhile started physically abusing me, my mom knew about this and done nothing for years. She came down stairs once while he was beating me, he told her to f*&£ off and she did.
I stopped smoking cannabis when my son was born, I was 22. And for a little while things were ok, I was happy and felt complete, having my own family. I worked hard, and as much as I could to provide for my son and partner at the time. Unfortunately that didn’t last long. True colours and all that. I don’t really know if there was cheating going on, but she would find reasons to break up and then “meet” someone straight away. Our relationship went on like this for 2 years after my son was born. She even went as far as to wait one Christmas until I had spent hundreds of my savings on presents shopping and then split up with me the day after.
I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect, I am not. But we barely argued and when we did it was because of her parents, who are horrific people, for example. They apparently physically abused my ex when she was a child, which I was told by her as well as other family members, they also charged me money to bring my new born son, their grand child, home from hospital. I grew increasingly depressed and anxious throughout the relationship.
We had broke up in 2012, in 2013 I met my current partner and all the pain of the past disappeared she is the other side to my coin. Due to problems I had being back at my moms home, I moved in with my partner, her son, parents and brother. My step son was severely disabled at birth due to medical neglect. He was 7 when I met his mom, a month after I had started staying with them he past away in our bedroom while we slept. This broke me, I have tried to stay strong for his mom, Who is a hell of a lot stronger than me. I know I hadn’t known him long, and it’s most likely ridiculous that I felt and feel how I do. I can’t help it. Then less than 3 months later my ex decided to move 50+ miles away overnight without letting me know in advance, resulting in us not seeing my son for 2 years. This put strain on my relationship as my partner blamed herself for it which is nonsense. It’s been 4 years since. And I feel like I’m pushing her away, not intentionally but I feel like we don’t really communicate anymore. I get aggravated easily these days as my head is constantly screaming at me and bringing up events of the past. I feel quite pathetic that I am the one that needs help.
We have a beautiful girl together and I am back in contact with my son after having to go to court for an order to force my ex to allow me.
Although it got to a point where I couldn’t look at people in work due to things being said when my step son had past and my son being taken away, I quit my job and tried to run a gaming store business for the last 2 years, hoping it would help me make friends, as I’m pretty much a hermit due to lack of trust in people. It failed recently and now we are both unemployed. And myself left quite bitter as my partner wasted a lot of money doing this to help me. I had hoped it would change our lives for the better. We done well at first, I’m quite friendly, despite people walking all over me in the past. We gave things away as prizes at our expense often, we tried helping people. Yet in the end, when we couldn’t afford to keep going without charging for services, people slowly dwindled from our MTG group which was the life blood of the business and we had to close.
I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to stay positive, yet it is getting increasingly difficult. I’ve been trying to see a doctor for 3 months now, and all I’ve accomplished is blood tests being done, because I began drinking heavily a few years ago, until recently.
Sorry about the very long post. Like the title says I don’t really know what to say, I find it difficult to express myself.
Thanks for reading.
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I'm new here and want to know what people think
New here [so, hi!] also why would a counsellor make a GP app. for you without informing you?
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