My wife suffers with very long term mental issues probably going back to her school days. We have known each other 43 years and have been married 37 years on 16th of April.
Things started to go really bad when her father passed away about 25 years ago. Then was diagnosed as depression. A lot of drugs were prescribed over a long period. Eventually electric shock treatment was to be the next step.
Someone that I knew had been given this treatment without sucsess. He warned me not to permit this to happen to my wife. Shortly after this discussion this poor man committed suicide.
Obviously I took note of what this man had said and this also made me realise that the medical proffesion were just stabbing in the dark and really did not have a proper course of action to help my wife properly.
To start with I took away the mountain of drugs that my wife had in her possesion. After discussion with the GP I had weaned my wife off the drugs entirely I a week. The threatened electric shock treatment did not take place.
With a psyciatrists help my wife was kindly permitted to take early retirement by her employers a national bank.
Things settled somewhat though my wife was not cured by any means.
In the past four years my wife has had quite some life traumas separate from her mental issues. Spinal problems causing extreme pain. For a time was in a wheelchair on 30 tablets per day. Loss of her elder brother owing to cancer of the oesophegus. Wrote her car off going to see him before his demise.
Very shortly after this my wife threw a tantrum because she had a tiny nick on the middle finger of her right hand. She assaulted me by striking me several times over the head. I retired to another room as usual when this happens untill she calms down.
Unbeknown to me my wife called the police claiming that I had assaulted her. I was arrested and charged with assault on my wife. On solicitor's advice I did not make a statement to the police as this would have led to my wife being arrested. I was told not to worry as it would be later realised I was protecting my wife.
I was found guilty and amongst other punishments was banned at 70 years old from my home. That was over two years ago.
I have tried everywhere that I can think of to find help. This off course includes our family Doctor and also two Members of Parliarment. My total so far runs at over 50 people and agencies that I have approached.
The solicitors (plural) approached say nothing can be done. Divorce your wife sell your home and walk away.
The wound was so minor that a tiny piece of tissue was sufficient to stop the blood. The punishment inflicted for such a crime that I did not do is horrendous. There are many men like me who suffer at the hands of the law in the rush to find victims to make the crime figures look good.
Can anyone help me as my own mental situation is crumbling fast now as is my health at 72 years old. Men like me need a Champion to stop this cruel sport!
Many thanks.
Staff
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Staff
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Nothing I can do to help you. I am sorry you are going through this situation. Its easy for people to say "leave your wife", but it's unfair that she has a mental illness that is not being treated. I am sure she is not aware of what she has done or caused. I will be praying for you and your wife. I hope you and her get the help you need. Just remember that you have to take care of yourself.
Thanks for your thoughts Kimberley. I hope you are right in that my wife does not realise the effect of what she has done. The problem I have discovered is that if it were animosity it would be a simple thing to get someone arrested these days. The police wanting to boost crime figures will arrest with just one point of The Witch Finder General's pointy pointing finger! It has recently happened to someone I have known for many years. Thanks again Staff
P.S. I have previously never even had a parking fine in my life!
My husband's ex wife was abusive to him. However, he of course was too ashamed to tell anyone of her behavior. (I know how the cops are...they will arrest a man in a minute over a woman. It's not fair, but that is how it goes)She, however, did not suffer from mental illness. I do suffer from panic/anxiety attacks. I have been on so many meds, and some that literally scared me to death and sent me to the hospital. These meds can have an opposite effect on a person and make you think you are going insane. I finally got the right medicine with no side effects, but it took years to get the right one. Getting on here and talking with others helps so much. Take care!
This sounds a far fetched tale and for reasons of space is only the bones of it. However it is 1000% true. And should be a warning to other relations of sufferers!
Firstly, My hat goes off to you for the courage, understanding and commitment you had shown in that time of hardship in your relationship. if it was anyone else i'm sure they would have just walked away but you stood by your wife and that takes balls of steel.
What you have gone through yourself is a very bitter pill to swallow and it looks like it has left a very nasty after taste. Take what solicitors say with a pinch of salt as they can only advise you based on the legal system and, no offence to anyone out there who might be a solicitor, but they lack compassion on a human level and only after the money be it legal aide or your own, sorry to anyone if that offends but that's based on stories I've been told.
For yourself, i'm not sure if you are back with your wife at the moment but if you are able to then organise and go on a nice long sunny holiday and relax and take your mates with you, maybe Italy or Spain? use this to try and forget or maybe talk to your mates and let out any thoughts you have. maybe telling your friends you need some man time and someone to talk to and enjoy the time there. I know its easier said than done because you might be worried about your wife but in these times you need to balance the scales. Its evident in what you have written that you've tried to help and nothing has been successful only for the opposite to happen and as a result you've neglected yourself so now you need balance it by giving yourself some TLC and recharge your batteries.
With regards to your wife, its difficult to say whether taking her off medication was a good thing or not as the person themselves need to feel ready to make that step to accept the challenge to change their life around and yes.... i can only describe it as a challenge because its difficult to let go of the harsh memories locked away and move forward to a new person because once you've slowly let go of those memories you need to readjust to your social surroundings and around people and that is not easy if you are not able to control the anxiety and stress that comes with it. that's my experience. these memories on the long term un-dealt with somehow only end up wiring the brain the wrong way and its difficult to "reprogramme" your reactions differently if the right support is not there. the amygdala is the part that controls our emotions based on our memories of picture, sound and smells.
you mentioned your wife has had mental issues from her school days, I assume you mean bullying or she was picked on or how her family treated her? please correct me. In the back of her mind there may be a lot of bad memories locked away that are making her feel this anger that she has taken out on you for no reason, these memories need to be unlocked and dealt with only she can do that and speak out about them, why they make her feel bad and what is so upsetting about them or make her angry. it could be from her school days, loss of her father and brother.
Something I have tried myself when I had severe depression was listening to solfeggio frequencies. I can honestly say when I listened to these frequencies I did feel a buzz or easiness that sound was just going through me. The saying is that every object around us and cells in our body has a natural vibration, or resonance. when we pass a frequency of say 500Hz through a object whose natural tone is also 500Hz then it passes through it with ease and causes it to resonance or excite. anything above or below 500Hz will encounter resistance and won't pass or excite it. If you want to check this out for real, it might sound silly, when your washing machine hums as it turns your load back and forth try to hum your voice to the same sound or pitch and you will feel the easiness the sound of your voice and that of the washing machine pass through you and it feels weird. if you want your wife to listen to these then one each day is best and don't do one after the other in one day. you can give this a try too.
Another thing you could try for your wife is hypnotherapy, its not something I have experience in or can say it will work or not and I don't know of the cost but this can help with unlocking those memories but please seek advice from a qualified therapist.
Hi, Thanks for your kind reply. I have discovered what you have said about solicitors to be correct all they want is the MONEY!
School days: Not sure do not think it was anything you have listed. Seems to have been more to do with pressure to get results and the system of the time which was going through a mixture of changes. Seems to have been expected to manage two systems at once. Sounds odd I know.
Medication: She had a mountain of the stuff at home. The fact that she had to take it and the allied diet that ran alongside that owing to the apparent dangers of the mix of medication and certain foodstuff.
Took an overdose in an apparent suicide attempt.
The way drugs were prescribed turned out should have been for a very limited time only was left on them for a couple of years or more.
As far as I know despite the history once she took early retirement there was no follow up by doctors/psychiatrists. There does not appear to have been any further monitoring.
The other thing there was never any question about the effect on the rest of the family at any time.
I do agree with a lot you have said and I myself have never heard of solfeggio frequencies. I will look into it and will look at doing wash differently.😉 Yes, it is a calming sound. It is the same as white noise
3dUSA
My husband's ex wife was abusive too but it all stemmed from him wanting to leave her as she was an alcoholic and she married him young, she was much older. She was more abusive if he tried to leave and would call the police and actually harm herself and say he had done it. He has never laid a finger on me in 10 years. This actually resulted in him going to court but luckily she was proved to be lying and he was cleared, when she said he had attacked her mobile phone records showed my husband was miles away at his mums.
This does however sound as if your wife has just snapped due to her mental health problems and pushed you away. Its difficult to give advice really with only one side. Some people with mental health problems need their tablets to function properly. For example My brother has schitzophrenia and without medication the schitzophrenia rules his life and he has no quality of life. Maybe she resented having her choices removed. Who knows the ins and outs of it all. I hope things become more positive for you.
Hi, My wife can look after herself. She can hide her problems. Perhaps one issue is that to the casual observer she appears quite OK. What happens when she goes home and closes the door that is anyone's guess.
Hi, I may sound a bit hash so please for give me. Your wife can look after herself and I take she never tried to harm herself. So if that is the case then the real problem lies perhaps with you. You may be either too much supportive, too much indulging or too much possessive. It's all I am imagining. So she resents all these things,which is over a period of time her resentment has become aggressive. Please try to keep away from her. Give her some space, give her independence and freedom and watch for some time and see how things turn out.
I also know what I say will sound harsh but I agree with everything you have said.
I was shocked upon reading all the sympathetic replies as I had felt appalled when I read that Staff threw away all his wife's medications and made her stop taking them in a week after discussion with the GP as coming off meds suddenly is never advisable and not something medics would usually agree with. I wondered what the GP had said. Staff sounds as if he is sure that he knows best and although the situation will not be one sided and I do have sympathy for him I wonder what his present gripe is. Staff tells us how long he has known his wife, describes knowing what she needs better than anyone else, and yet when she does what he thinks best the result is her becoming violent towards him. I wonder whether he knows her as well as he thinks he does, or whether perhaps he has been and still is frustrated by her not being who he would have wanted her to be. He says she has thrown him out which is a clear message from her, and he says she can manage to cope alone which suggests she does not need him as much as he thinks she does or should do. What goes on behind her closed door is her business, s Staff's task would seem to be to come to terms with the present situation and see a lawyer about whether and how to divorce his wife.
Please bear in mind all this happened a long time ago. The recent problems are in away not related but again are.
In my defence what I did by grasping the nettle worked. The Doctors were effectively making her worse or so it appeared. They did have care of her for a long time without even a tiny move in the right direction. They permitted a massive stockpile of drugs to build up in her direct control. They were just tinkering not doing something positive.
I am not advocating that anyone else should emulate what I did.
The situation more recently was triggered by other events of dramatic scale in my wife's life these on top of the long standing mental issues. One was being suddenly struck by spinal problems. In extreme pain and thinking that being stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of her life was to be her fate
There is insufficient room here to fully discuss things can only touch on a few points.
There appeared no support whatsoever for my wife's immediate family. No one even asked how are things are you OK? Just nothing!
Sorry, I didn't take in the time between the earlier events and more recent ones. No wonder she is angry at the thought of being stuck in a wheelchair, that's a natural reaction, but I am wondering why she lashed out at you and then threw you out? I agree, there is a total lack of support for many families when one member of the family have health problems, I see that in my own situation. Sadly it is the result of the huge cuts in finances as there used to be a lot more support available many years ago.
Hi, This goes back to over 25 years from my position it was no different then. Yes now what you have is the case. I have asked for help and have been given a flat refusal on the grounds you have mentioned.
I'm 72 as well, can be a great age but your story is horrific. Mind you you've only yourself to blame. You've been too soft. I had two wives like that. Shot'em both.
Only joking. I really do feel for you. Life can be pretty unjust and i'm inclined to agree with a friend of mine God hates us all.
Is it possible you could somehow get in touch with your wife through a mutual friend. Its probably important that the friend although mutual is closer to your wife than you. maybe a family member. Then there might be some chance your wife can have her eyes opened to what she has done. I really find it hard to believe that she is so evil that she's done this deliberately , and if she has then she has to be very mentally ill.
Where you go from there is difficult but if you successfully open your wife's eyes you must have some recourse in law surely although you'll probably need some expensive legal advice to find what it is.
Perhaps it is possible that unknown to you your wife had a deep hatred of you for some slight she might have imagined ,or has become unbalanced enough to be capable of great evil. In this case your solicitors advice to walk away and sell the house is probably sensible and this should be your fallback position.
There is no doubt the medical profession are often stabbing in the dark with mental health issues but they are improving and, reading your post ,the legal profession sounds even more ignorant and incompetent.
Don't ,please don't, let your health suffer over this and use this forum to help keep you sane. I'm sorry i can't offer anything more concrete.
My final thought is that if you feel none of our suggestions are practicable, as a joint owner of the property she is living in (presumably) you do have quite a bit of leverage both with your wife , and if necessary with family should it be the case that they have supported only your wife's story and actions.
My best wishes, sorry if my joke seemed a bit taste less but I've decided to leave it in. Sometimes a smile at the grimmest situations is good.
Thanks for the 'joke'. Most of what you have said has of course been considered.
What you have said about the legal people is correct as well. I was not shouting from the roof tops about mental issues for obvious reasons. However anyone with any sense looking at my wife's statement to the police would have immediately seen there was something wrong. The only things missing are Jack, The Beanstalk, The Giant and The Goose that laid the golden eggs! They just went along with what was written without any question. Because it suited their purpose in attaining an easy victim!
However this is not a legal forum I am mearly warning others of a possible tragic outcome in trying to protect a loved one suffering from this type of thing.
When you say too soft because of my wife's problems things seem to get blown up out of all proportions to her. There are grains of truth in there but not at the size she sees things. Also has had two years to sit and ruminate on her own and assume things have thus grown totally out of proportion. When she has been left to sort things on her own previously that has been when things have gone pear shaped.
One other thing boys and girls I am told that it is common for sufferers to turn on their nearest and dearest. In the way as has happened to me regrettably!
Well, you can't argue with perception. Your wife's perception of you and your relationship might have been totally different from what was really the case, and may be different again from your perception. What staggers me is that on the basis of no other witnesses and no other evidence your wife's story should have been believed to the point where you were banned from your home.
I can't imagine that in view of what has happened you and your wife could ever rebuild anything or probably that you would wish to. In which case the solicitors are probably right and assuming you have joint ownership of the house then it should certainly be sold and the proceeds divided . Jointly owned property by separated or divorced couples are a legal nightmare without some letter of agreement.
I don't understand what your legal defence "team" were up to but for you to be banned from your home on the basis of a single minor supposed assault then even for the legal profession they must hold some sort of record for incompetence , and that's saying something. I once sat through several court cases for speeding where the offender was legally represented in each case. I have seldom witnessed such incompetence and half expected each new defendant to be hanged , once his defence lawyer had spoken. In contrast my own lawyer (paid for by my employer ) was excellent (although he did fail to get me off at least the magistrates retired to consider things ) which proves at least they are not 100% incompetent.
Incidentally I don't take your case as a reasonable warning for families of those suffering mental problems .I, and I suspect practically all sufferers are extremely grateful to those members of our families who have given us much needed support . It does however confirm my low opinion of the legal profession. The police are a more mixed bag , most good but there is a sizable percentage of bad apples.
In your position I would still be seething at the injustice of it all,but that would n't be very smart. best forget it and move on.
I hope everything comes out as well as possible for you from here on in.
I made the point about warning to relatives only because I am told that sometimes what has occured to me can happen 'in the fog of illness.'
This made worse by the fog of many forms of drugs.
It was no intended in any way to pot shot at sufferers.
This is not a legal forum so cannot go into too much detail.
At 72 years of age I have never even had a parking fine in my life. What has been done to me is an outrage. Apparently I am not the only such victim some are in prison! No one cares why?
Well some of us care. I hardly ever lose my temper but the one thing that usually provokes it (and for my son ) is injustice whether we are involved or not.
However the most important thing now is for you to enjoy the rest of your life. At 72 it won't go on for ever for either of us. You just have to move on. I know personally this is easier said than done but its the only way. No point in letting the past ruin the future.
As the book "No Country for Old Men " says "...all the time you're trying to get even there's just more going out the door"
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