Hello I'm new here ... don't really know how to type how I feel into words if i can not talk to a fellow human ... but will try my best ... (sorry for this being so long)
so I guess this all started 23rd July 2013 .. I was 23 years old and attacked by two males out side my home which at the time was in Bournemouth, reason for the attack was because I asked one of them to leave my (at the time) brothers girlfriend alone (my brother was with my mum in Cornwall at the time as my nan had just passed away) and the person flipped and jumped on me when my back was turned and I thought everything was okay as he said sorry and his mate joined in, they both kicked and stamped on my head over and over, finished with a running boot.
I needed surgery on my right eye socket with a metal plate.
At the time my mum and brother was talking about moving to Cornwall and starting a new life, before the attack all I wanted to do was stay in Bournemouth.
I finally joined my mum and brother in Cornwall 2 days after my operation.
The healing and pain lasted longer then it should have, I wasn't aloud to do much as in movement or over working my right eye, so I ended up eating a lot and putting weight on well not wanted to be here in Cornwall. A year and bit had gone by and I finally was cleared by the doctor for my eye being okay. Then not long after I had to do the court case's for the attack which was really stressful and also hurt a lot to have to relive it all by going over and over and over many time what had happened that night of the attack.
After that I tried to move on with my life here in Cornwall while still not settled or wanting to be here, I applied for job seekers to help my find work in Cornwall (the other thing is I life in the middle of now where and have to rely on public transport which isn't great).
So I applied for many jobs and no luck but week 3 I believe I saw this notice in the job centre and It was perfect, factory work, I'm like yes perfect my job in Bournemouth was factory work. So I asked them to sign me up for the meets to apply for it and everything went well ... I pasted the interview and everything went well until they asked me why I was out of work for over a year and I explained and they said okay we will give you 2 weeks work experience unpaid to get back into a routine and I was fine brilliant, job centre was like that is a bit odd but okay if you get offered the job full time we will put you on a course to get a moped and put on a moped to work scheme. I did the 2 weeks, everything went fine, I got on with the line mangers and one of them took me under his wing and in his section, really nice bloke, he said "I told management I want you on my rotation as you are a quiet but just gets on with the work" ... Awesome, things maybe looking up, a job which means money, maybe I can finally start to look forward to living here and meeting new people ... they told the job centre I will not be taken on ... I was gutted and shocked ... It put me on a massive low ...
Fast forward to now, unemployed, not enjoying where I live, hate going out, panic when I have to see people or be around people, randomly get angry and snap at my mum, always feeling and putting myself down, put weight on, not enjoying anything anymore and recently have been having thought of just not wanting to be here or live anymore, like what is the point.
But I do have family, good friends (not many as I shut everyone out) in Bournemouth and a goddaughter, I don't want to hurt them, I feel like a huge let down in life and a waste of space and air.
I have never spoken or told anyone how I feel until this very post. What should I do? best options to get help? Big reason for not asking for help or talking to anyone is that I just think they will think that I am being a baby and I just need to man up or whatever. Sorry this is so Long.